Classic Old Man Expressions
As everybody knows there are certainly some downsides to getting old. Memory loss, bad backs, examining the youth of America. All of this is well documented. However the upside, from where I stand, is even greater. Front row seats at the nudy bar, afternoons at the track, discounts at the movies, the list goes on. But one of the best parts of getting old has to be the ability to say certain expressions. Frankly I’m jealous of old people sometimes because I’d like to say some of these things but I know I can’t because society just won’t accept it. F-ing society. Anyway, here are just a few of these classic Old Man expressions I wish I could say but can’t…
“Nickel and Dime Ya” – I was at a local bar the other night and overheard a guy who had to be in his 70’s go on and on about some hotel that according to him, “nickel and dimed him” his entire stay. From the overnight parking charge, to the ridiculous price of a local call, clearly this man thought he was being taken advantage of by the good folks at the hotel. “Nah, the hell with these people” the man observed. “They nickel and dime ya!” Now whether or not this man was legitimately “nickel and dimed” is another story – the point is that you’re not going to hear anyone under 60 use this expression, it just wouldn’t pack the same punch and probably wouldn’t be as believable. But when Old Man says “nickel and dime ya”, I guarantee you whether it’s true or not, people will listen.
“Same Old, Same Old” – Now you’re never going to hear a 23 year old Local Smokeshow of the Day, for example, say “same old, same old” when they ask her how she’s doing. She’s just not going to say that. Hopefully you won’t either but let’s face it, we’d all like to have that expression in our back pockets ready to use like the Ace of Spades to avoid what’s sure to be an entirely meaningless conversation. Unfortunately most of us can’t say this yet and are forced to chit-chat for 5 minutes about absolutely nothing. But not Old Man. Old Man can just pull “same old, same old” out of his ass and bam, he’s onto his next scratch ticket. Yes, “same shit, different day” is like the evil step sister to “same old, same old” but only those especially bitter can use it.
“It’s All Under the Table” – Every time the subject of economics is brought up, Old Man loves to suggest getting paid “under the table”. Maybe this was how everybody did it in the 40’s and 50’s but that’s his answer for everything. “Nah, nah. It’s all ‘under the table’. You think he’s writing checks? Trust me, it’s all ‘under the table’. All of it!” Now whether he’s right or wrong is another question but in Old Man’s eyes this form of transacting money is the only way he sees fit. “No paper trail, no IRS to deal with. I’m telling you, just tell him you want everything ‘under the table’”. Fair enough.
“Lil’ Help” - “Lil’ help” is another classic. Anyone under 65 has no business saying “lil’ help”. Now you hear this all the time playing basketball and somebody bricks a shot that ends up in the next zip code. “Lil help! Lil help!” Fuck you dude, get it yourself. You’re the one who missed the shot. However, if Old Man misses the shot, he has every right to ask for a “lil help” at any point in time. Whether he drops the remote 2 feet in front of him (“Lil help”) or he can’t see to his left while driving down I-95 (“Lil help!”), it’s always available to him like a box of Viagra. “Lil help” – sure you can say it, but like the rest of these expressions, they just don’t have the same effect unless you’re over 65.
“It All Goes Down the Same Pipe” – Once again, there’s no way anybody in their 20’s or 30’s can get away with saying this without getting a weird look. But not Old Man. “Hey pops, you want me to eat all this shit?” “Sure, don’t worry, it all goes down the same pipe.” I mean I guess technically they’re right – you only have 1 “pipe”. But does that really justify shoving meatballs, mashed potatoes and grandma’s week-old lasagna down your throat at the same time? I didn’t think so. Using Old Man logic, you could eat or drink literally anything simultaneously because of this expression. And despite hearing this since I was a kid, I still don’t quite buy it.
“It All Comes Out In the Wash” – I think it’s a federal law that as soon as you hit 65, “it all comes out in the wash” gets automatically added to your arsenal of Old Man expressions. Like “it all goes down the same pipe”, this is another “catch all” saying that you can use pretty much after anybody says anything remotely complicated. “Uh, yeah. Sounds right. It all comes out in the wash anyway...” Huh? Technically everything comes out in the wash according to Old Man, I wonder what doesn’t? Nothing doesn’t. “It all comes out in the wash” is just another great example of how ambiguity is something you learn, and hopefully by the time you’re an Old Man, you’ve perfected.
“That’s Where They Getcha” – Finally, we’re saving the best for last here because I freakin love “that’s where they getcha”. I just saw my 70 year old step dad on Sunday and 5 minutes in the door he pulled out his first of 19 “that’s where they getcha’s” of the day. It was actually right on cue for this article. Anytime you think you’re getting a deal on something, Old Man is ready to rain on your parade and explain all the places where “they getcha”. He’s always so proud of it too… “Yeah, they’ll pay for you to rent the car, but will they pay for your gas? Huh? Ha. That’s where they getcha.” Deductibles, excise tax, “the wine”. They always getcha on something in this world and Old Man is always there to point them out.