The Sports Movie-o-Matic
The fortunate few who know me best will tell you that I have a wide variety of interests, but there are only five things that I’m truly passionate about. In no particular order they are:
1. Sports
2. Movies
3. Beer
4. Kati Cawley, and
5. Huffing computer dusting spray.
And when two of these things combine into one, it goes way beyond passion into addictive, destructive, and downright dangerous obsession. (As anyone who’s seen me drinking beers with Kati or watching football while huffing computer dusting spray can attest.) So it should come as no surprise that I really, really like sports movies.
I watch a lot of sports movies, but I won’t claim that I watch them all. Even brain damaged from dusting spray, I still have my standards. I’ve always shied away from Mighty Duck sequels and movies about canine athletes. (I’m guessing “Beach Volleyball Bud” is in production as we speak.) I’ve also stopped watching the ones where Kevin Costner lives out another of his jock fantasies. (Advice to Kevin: before you make another “For the Love of the Game,” try joining a Fantasy Baseball Camp like every other balding, middle aged man. Your Indian name in that one would’ve been Throws Like a Girl.)
Anyway, you watch enough sports movies and you realize there are common threads that run through all of them. And you realize that it doesn’t take Martin Scorcese to make one. They’ve always said that if you put enough monkeys at enough typewriters, eventually they would type all of Shakespeare’s works. But it would take a single monkey 15 minutes to write “Happy Gilmore.”
So with that said here’s a simple, easy-to-follow guide to help you write your own sports movie blockbuster that in no time will have you kicking back at your Hollywood mansion in a hot tub filled with aspiring actresses and blowing your residual checks on the really premium brand dusting spray. (OK, I’ll stop with that now.)
To that end, I’ve developed the first device ever invented to help the average schmucky sports movie fan write his or her own screenplay. The Sports Movie-o-Matic (trademark of me, all rights reseved).
First you’ll need to decide what sport you want in your movie. It would be best if you pick one that hasn’t been done before, and that’s not as easy as it sounds. When Hollywood has already mined gold out of such obscure niche sports as distance running, high school wrestling, figure skating and soccer, you’ll have your work cut out for you. Once you’ve chosen your sport, the rest is simple. You just randomly choose one thematic element from each of the following categories, and the Sports Movie-o-Matic does the rest.
I. Premise
A. A true story (example: “Miracle”)
B. Inspired by true events (“Friday Night Lights”)
C. Base on the best selling novel (“Field of Dreams”)
D. A “Rocky” ripoff (“Karate Kid,” “Rocky II-VI”)
II. Protagonist(s)
A. A plucky underdog (“Rudy”)
B. A ragtag group of multi-cultural misfits (“Bad News Bears,” “Dodgeball”)
C. A down-on-his-luck everyman seeking one last shot at redemption (“Cinderella Man”)
D. A down-on-his-luck coach seeking one last shot at redemption (“Hoosiers,” “A League of Their Own”)
E. Rocky
III. Antagonist(s)
A. Elitist snobs (“Caddyshack”)
B. Cocky, arrogant jerk (“Tin Cup”)
C. Evil team owner who stands to benefit if the team loses (“Major League,” “The Natural”)
D. Racists (“Remember the Titans”)
E. Facist Evil Empire (“Victory,” “Miracle”)
IV. Love Interest
A. Wholesome small town girl with a heart of gold (Iris Gaines in “The Natural”)
B. Whiney, annoying harridan (Maggie in “Caddyshack,” Annie Kinsella in “Field of Dreams”)
C. Sex kitten (Claudia in “Kingpin,” Annie Savoy in “Bull Durham”)
D. Adorable, precocious waif (Dorothy Boyd in “Jerry Maguire”)
E. Supportive wife (Lorri Morris in “The Rookie”)
V. Sidekick
A. Drunken loser (Paulie in “Rocky I-VI,” Shooter in “Hoosiers”)
B. Naive prodigy (Nuke in “Bull Durham,” Ishmael in “Kingpin”)
C. Horny friend (D-Bob in “Rudy”)
D. Long suffering brother (Joey in “Raging Bull”)
VI. Comedy relief
A. Crazyass players (“Slap Shot”)
B. Sarcastic broadcaster (“Major League”)
C. Wacky foul mouthed kids (“Bad News Bears,” “Mighty Ducks,” “Little Giants”)
D. Coaches who lose sight of what kids sports are really all about (“Kicking & Screaming”)
E. Everyone (“Talledega Nights: The Legend of Ricky Bobby”)
VII. Opposition from...
A. The townspeople (“Hoosiers,” “Remember the Titans”)
B. The suits (“Jerry Maguire”)
C. The league (“Bad News Bears”)
D. Opportunistic sportswriters (“Eight Men Out,” “The Natural”)
E. Sports talk radio hosts (“Friday Night Lights”)
VIII. Heartbreaking setback
A. A tragic death (Caretaker in “The Longest Yard,” Mick in “Rocky III,” Apollo in “Rocky IV”)
B. Debilitating injury (“Million Dollar Baby”)
C. Terminal illness (“Pride of the Yankees,” “Bang the Drum Slowly,” “Brian’s Song”)
D. Hero’s dreams appear to be dashed (“Rudy,” “The Rookie”)
E. Bad guys cheat (“Karate Kid”)
IX. Sage advice from...
A. Coach (“Karate Kid”)
B. Grizzled old veteran who’s seen it all (“The Hustler,” “Bull Durham,” “The Color of Money”)
C. Groundskeeper (“Caddyshack,” “Rudy”)
D. Magical black guy (Bagger in “The Legend of Bagger Vance”)
X. Elements of the mandatory musical montage
A. Workout regimen (“Vision Quest,” all “Rockys”)
B. Team has put aside their differences and is coming together for a common goal (“Victory,” “Miracle,” “The Cutting Edge”)
C. Team is on an inspired winning streak (“Major League”)
XI. Big ending
A. The protagonists overcome all obstacles, join forces, reach deep down inside themselves and triumph over adversity and pull off a glorious victory.
B. The protagonists lose, but still go further than anyone could’ve ever imagined and are true inspirations to the world.
OK, now that you’ve got all the elements laid out for you, writing your own sports movie script is as simple as connecting the dots. Once you’ve chosen your sport, all you have to do is pick one cliche from each of the categories above and you’re practically done. Let me run an example to show you how it works. Let’s say I want to make a sports movie about, oh, say... polo. To my knowledge the great polo film has never been made. So now I just pick one example from each category entirely at random. In this case I’m going with D, D, A, E, A, C, A, E, B, B, and A.
Then this would be the plot of my cinematic tour de force:
Based on a true story. A polo coach finds himself at the end of his rope. Life has dealt him a bad hand at every turn, and he’s got one last chance to prove that he can still coach polo. To do so, he’s got to lead his team to victory against the rich snobs at the upscale, exclusive polo club. He doesn’t know if he can, but the one person who has never lost faith in him is his adoring and loyal wife. But the only help he has besides her is his slovenly drunken assistant coach. His team is a zany, madcap collection of colorful misfits and screwups who always keep things interesting. Unfortunately, the people in the town hold a meeting where they threaten to fire the coach because they don’t much appreciate the way he’s running the team and he has to convince them to give him this one last chance. On the day of match, the polo team from the exclusive club drugs all his team’s horses with tranquilizers, replaces their horseshoes with plastic ones and gives their own horses steroids. Just when things look their darkest, the coach gets pulled aside by a kindly old member of the club who takes pity on him. It turns out he was once a former champion polo coach who doesn’t like the way things are being done. He gives the team words of inspiration and new, drug free horses. The team begins practicing with newfound confidence in a long montage filled with ‘80's music. They surprise the elitist snob team with a shocking underdog victory and carry the coach off on the field on their shoulders. Fade to black.
And there you have it. A $100 million dollar grossing movie if ever I wrote one. And that’s before DVD and BlueRay sales. All it needs is a title, and I’m going to suggest you always pull out a jargony reference from your sport. In the case of my polo movie, knowing nothing about the sport, I’m just going to go with “Mallets.”
So try it yourself. It’s foolproof. You want to try a lacrosse movie based on a true story with a ragtag group of underdogs one of whom has a terminal illness? The details are all here for you. How about a synchronized diving duo that’s owned by evil sponsors that benefit if they lose and they’re saved by a magical black guy? Just fill out the plot points and you’re there. A tetherball movie about a naive prodigy who needs a wise old coach to show him the ropes? A couple of minutes with the Sports Movie-o-Matic and you’ll be reserving your seat for the Oscars in no time.
And if you really want to make sports movies but even this seems like too much work for you, don’t sweat it. You can always make a Mighty Ducks sequel or Kevin Costner vehicle. And “Rocky VII” is still up for grabs.