Stool Samples

As much as we can bitch and moan about the government from day-to-day, ultimately we get a chance to take it into our own hands and elect who we want to run things.

The same can't be said for every aspect of life. Take your sports media for example. Sports fans have little to no say in who we get shoved down our throats by the major networks for games, studio shows, analysis, etc.

Case in point - it took over 25 years of being largely despised by the public for CBS to finally dump Billy Packer from the Final Four broadcast.

So what if we did get ultimate say in the sports media via a public vote? Perhaps even more entertaining, what would that ballot look like?

In lieu of the traditional Stool Samples and in honor of last week's historic election, we take a look at what the Media Craptacular Ballot might look like if the people got to choose the talking heads to fill some of the most prestigious roles:

Department of Body Odor
John Kruk, ESPN
Dennis Eckersley, TBS
Jayson Stark, ESPN
Kenny Albert, Fox

Secretary of Not Looking at the Camera When Talking
Clark Kellogg, CBS
Charlie Casserly, CBS

Chief of Lisps
Lou Holtz, ESPN
Eric Karros, Fox
Mad Dog Russo, NBC
Bill Cowher, CBS
Shannon Sharpe, CBS

Department of Stalking Kids Under the Age of 22
Mel Kiper, ESPN
Todd McShay, ESPN
Mike Mayock, NFL Network

Chief Gimmick
Lee Corso Mascot Head, ESPN
Digger Phelps Matching Tie/Highlighter, ESPN
Brian Baldinger's Freaky Pinky, Fox

Director of Hideous Wardrobes
Craig Sager, TNT
Michael Irvin, Independent
Chris Berman, ESPN
Don Cherry, CBC

Department of Intense Volume
Neil Everett, ESPN
Gus Johnson, CBS
Stephen A. Smith, ESPN
Kevin Harlan, CBS
Dick Vitale, ESPN

Artificial Intelligence Security Task Force
Fox Robot
CBS Eye
ESPN Mock Field
Dr. Z, SI

Secretary of Jokes That Aren't Funny
Kenny Mayne, ESPN
Terry Bradshaw, Fox
Chris Berman, ESPN
Frank Caliendo, Fox

Chief Of Obnoxious Overlaughing
Terry Bradshaw, Fox
Shannon Sharpe, CBS
Jerome Bettis, NBC

Department of People We Don't Allow Indoors For Some Reason
Tony Siragusa, Fox
Steve Young, ESPN
Emmitt Smith, ESPN

Director of Distracting Physical Features
Stuart Scott, ESPN :: Eye
John Madden, NBC :: Eye brows that don't match hair color
Ken Rosenthal, Fox :: Really, really short
Bill Maas, Independent :: Neg-burns

Chief Proprietor of Anger-Inducing Analysis
Joe Morgan, ESPN
Tony Kornheiser, ESPN
Billy Packer, CBS

Congressional House of Snappy
Jim Nantz, CBS
Matthew Berry, ESPN
Tim McCarver, Fox

Media Guild for Cross Promotion and Commerce
Mark Schlereth, ESPN (soap operas)
Peter King, SI (coffee)
Marino, Golic, Berman, Kruk (Nutrisystem)
Mike Greenburg, ESPN (gayness)

Proposition A - If one media member shall be allowed to interview the two presidential candidates on the eve of the election, that media member shall be Chris Berman from ESPN in order to allow for the interviewer to do everything within his power to make himself the focus. It would also allow opportunities for the presidential candidates to regurgitate Berman's 20-year old catch phrases in a bizarre attempt to look hip.

-- Yes
-- Good God, Anyone But Berman

Proposition B - Erin Andrews should conduct sideline interviews while wearing only an earpiece.

-- Yes
-- Yes