Stool Samples

Crap that actually came from Jason Whitlock's mouth

On June 4th, Jason Whitlock wrote his NBA Truths column about the impending Finals matchup between the Lakers and Magic. Let's just say this was one of Whitlock's least true Truths. Behold ...

9. Phil Jackson is awesome at managing egos and so-so at in-game strategy. Van Gundy will out-coach the Zen Master.

8. If Rashard Lewis drives the lane, the Magic could sweep.

*1. If the Magic win tonight, change my original prediction to an Orlando sweep!

After seeing the Magic lose the first two games, Whitlock stood his ground on Foxsports.com ...

Down 0-2, I still liked the Orlando Magic. Down 1-2, I really like the Orlando Magic.

Soon after, he took a completely different tone on Facebook. 'The hell with the Magic and Stan Van Gundy!', says he! Whitlock's Facebook statuses showed the frustration of losing out on one's stone cold predictions.

June 12, AM

FireStanVanGundy.com....

June 12, PM

You don't know basketball if you think this Orlando team is "overachieving." Howard is blossoming into Bill Russell and Hedo Turkoglu has become John Havalicek. Rashard Lewis is a very good three. SVG jacked this series mismanging his pt guard situation.

You don't know basketball! And to prove it, Whitlock wrotea new Foxsports columnaround this same time, discussing why the Magic were set to lose the series.

I'm not blaming Dwight Howard. No way.

His missed free throws and seven turnovers hurt, but his 21 rebounds, nine blocked shots and Bill Russell impersonation carried the Orlando Magic for an entire evening.

The Magic more than likely threw away an NBA title Thursday night, but only the blind and foolish would blame Superman.

Stan Van Gundy is responsible for one of the greatest choke jobs in NBA playoff history. If he had any pride, he'd resign today and let Patrick Ewing coach Game 5 on Sunday.

WHOA! CHOKE JOBS!?!?!? Because Whitlock picked the Magic to win and they did not, Stan Van Gundy anchored a choke job. Ha.

Gotta love how Stan Van Gundy went from being the best coach in the series to worthy of being fired in the span of 8 days.

The mainstream media giveth, and the mainstream media taketh away.

ESPN shows you how to manufacture a news story

It shouldn't even come to this, but once again, it has. This time, ESPN is to blame with the coverage and creation of Our Favre news. Rewind back two weeks and revel in the  fact that you too can create a global sports story with the proper resources.

Sunday Night - Bristol, CT

The Lead on the Bottom Line detailed the Lakers Game 2 victory, Tiger Woods' comeback win at the Memorial and the following text which shouldn't have carried the same weight as the two preceding stories: "Favre's shoulder surgery a new wrinkle in comeback bid"

Whether or not Brett Favre really comes back is a moot point because he and his agent have labeled him "retired". Nothing more. There's a good chance Favre would rather be "un-retired", but basing everything on FACTS, a retired Brett Favre had surgery. That's it.

Early Monday Morning - Bristol, CT

Filed under "JOSEPH ADDAI" on the SportsCenter Rundown, the host of SportsCenter decided to talk about Our Favre with a specially chosen NFL analyst.

"Back to the news of the morning: Brett Favre according to Ed Werder and Chris Mortensen, has undergone surgery to perhaps repair that shoulder and according to Jon Clayton, if Favre does choose to become a Minnesota Viking, the Vikings could be looking at 12 wins next year." - Josh Elliott

Aside from the fact that this was taking place during the "Joseph Addai" section of the SportsCenter rundown, you have to love Jon Clayton's assessment that Favre on the Vikings = 12 wins. Lock, stock and barrel.

Now, let's get Marcellus Wiley's thoughts on that 12 win possibility.

"I can agree with John in the sense that theycanwin 12 games, with the emphasis on can."

That's great insight from a former NFL player. Marcellus, do you think Brett Favre's comeback (even though he's publicly retired) (and even though he's not coming back from anything since he played last year) is fueled by hatred of the Packers or love of the game?

"I think both. I mean, you want to beat the Packers twice and the emphasis is also because of the passion and love for the game. You can't be a future Hall of Famer and just go out there with vengeance in your heart. He's going out there to win football games with the asterisks around the Green Bay Packers, he wants to win those two."

Here's the thing, Marcellus, Favre hasn't played like a Hall of Famer consistently since the early part of this decade, so that label is worthless at this point. And while Favre is selfish, whorish and annoying, no one with a right mind would accuse Favre of having played with "vengeance" for the first 17 years of his career.

A Little Later Monday Morning - Bristol, CT

At the top of the hour, anchor-with-a-porn-star-name Sage Steele brings us the latest:

"Developing story here on SportsCenter coming from the NFL. This time last year, Brett Favre was still retired. He didn't actually send that text message until July ... Sources tell ESPN that Favre has thrown on a limited basis since the sugery but is not close to 100% and will only return if he makes 'significant progress.'

ESPN's Chris Mortensen joins us now and Mort, as Brett Favre takes one more step towards a possible return, what does all of this latest news mean?"

Keep in mind the only "news" (if you can call it that) that is 100% fact is that Favre had surgery to clean up his shoulder. At any rate, let's listen to Chris Mortensen on the phone tell us what the surgery means:

"Just the fact that Brett had the arthroscopic surgery which we believe was to detach the one tendon that was hanging by a thread, shows that he does have a determination to at least attempt to play again. Now, Ed Werder and myself, we have not spoken to Brett Favre. We have spoken to several sources and there is the strong belief that Brett does want to play, likes the Vikings, same playbook he had in Green Bay, Super Bowl potential team, probably doesn't hurt that they play the Packers twice a year ...

I always thought that this was the week that the Vikings would want to know or want to declare something so we're going to monitor this week. We could possibly hear something where the Vikings say, 'Yea we're going to do this or we're not going to do this.'

I hope it ends at the end of this week but the story is ongoing. Brett had the surgery and I actually believe that Brett will be playing for the Vikings this year, but we're still doing the reporting on it."

Thanks Mort!

Late Monday Afternoon - the World Wide Web

Foxsports, Yahoo! Sports and SI.com all feature the Favre "story" on their sites as a "report" from ESPN. The ESPN-manufactured story is now global news. Chris Berman achieves a full-on erection.

Late Monday Afternoon - Bristol, CT

ESPN issues a story that the Vikings have issued a deadline for Favre decide by the end of the week, one way or another.

Late Monday Night

Sirius NFL refutes the ESPN storythat the Vikings have imposed a Favre deadline.

Tuesday Morning - JoeSportsFan Headquarters

We stop covering the coverage because it really doesn't matter anymore and everyone in sports media land will see no problem with Favre ditching the Jets for the Vikings just to stick it to the Packers. Or they will acknowledge it and then completely ignore thinking back to the first time they spent the night with Our Favre.

Michael Irvin: Voice of Reason

That title line alone is terrifying, but also very true.That's because the large-nostriled one thinks Our Favre should stay the hell away from the Vikings and another season of quarterbacking. Courtesy of the L.A. Times.

"Listen, Favre's 100 years old; stop this already. This is what's killing everybody. Every time Favre says, 'I want to come back,' it's like everybody on ESPN says, 'Whatever team he says he wants to come to, he makes them automatically a Super Bowl contender. They said that same stuff last year with the Jets, and Favre gave out toward the end of the season."

Very true. Good job, Michael!

"I love Favre and I think he's been a phenomenal talent for a long time. But when I think about it now, I say, 'Stop it already.' I don't mind that you still want to play football, but do you want to play so much, and you want to get back at [Green Bay General Manager] Ted Thompson so much, that you're willing to go back into Lambeau and hurt those fans that supported you for so long?"

Amen and Amen. It's quite comical to see the media react with lock-stock-and-barrell guarantees of X number of wins if Favre plays. John Clayton and his cronies seem to think the addition of Favre guarantees the Vikings 12 wins. They apparently had their heads stuck up Favre's ass too far last December to see the Messiah give out on the Jets.



Which brings up another interesting scenario: why is it okay for Favre to pick and choose who he wants to play with? Irvin brings up the point that Our Favre is sticking it to the Packers and their fans by playing for Minnesota (good health allowing him to do so, mind you), but what about the Jets and their fans? It's a fat double standard, but apparently Favre's boyish outbursts and radiating glow are still too much for the mainstream media.

Favre is intoxicating to these people -- including Joe Buck, who should be ashamed of himself for using the selfish man-whore Favre as his ceremonial first guest on his new HBO show. Given Buck's incredulity towards Artie Lange, it's surprising he'd interview the great one from the high horse.

Stool Samples is written by Josh Bacott and Patrick Imig. You can contact them at info@joesportsfan.com.