Thank God For the Devil Rays

The Tampa Bay Devil Rays are like a bad reality television show.

They’re pathetic. Truly pathetic.

But, for Red Sox fans, the D-Rays provide some of the season’s best entertainment year in and year out, whether you’d like to admit it or not.

With a horrendous 2005 record of 43-68 as of print time, a last place division finish in all but one of its seven seasons in baseball, and an average fan attendance rate of 13,881, the lowest in baseball, it seems that this collection of men they call a baseball team really don’t serve much of a purpose in this league.

Let me blow your mind for a second. Think long and hard. With the exception of those lucky bastards out there who have some sort of MLB digital cable package that picks up every game, can you even remember watching Tampa Bay ever face any other team in baseball besides the Red Sox?

Of course, I know they do. Unfortunately, only 19 of the Red Sox’ 162 games can be played against Tampa Bay, but can you actually remember watching the Devil Rays ever face another team?

They’re never on Fox Saturday Baseball. They’re never on ESPN’s Sunday Night Baseball? And they certainly have never made any national postseason coverage because, frankly, I don’t think fans want to see footage of baseball players golfing in October.

Even some other longtime basement dwellers like Detroit and Kansas City have enough history in their franchises where you can associate those clubs with a little bit of success.

But Tampa Bay? I don’t know if any of the Devil Rays know how to spell the word success.

I’ve come to a profound realization and I am 100-percent convinced that the Tampa Bay Devil Rays were created for one reason, and one reason only.

NOT for Florida baseball enthusiasts. Certainly NOT for a competitive shot at a division title. And NOT EVEN, despite popular belief, as a haven for 40+ year old school teachers who want a second chance at glory and in turn, a revitalization of Dennis Quaid’s career. (I always thought his brother, Randy, was more talented anyways)

The one reason the Devil Rays exist is to serve the Boston Red Sox. And here is how:

1. Confidence Booster

When the Yankees take 3 of 4 at Fenway, who’s there to help us get the strut back in our step and guarantee a couple W’s? Who else?

Whenever the going gets tough for the local nine, the D-Rays were always there for us. Just look at the facts. The Sox have a 70-30 record against Tampa since the 2000 season.

I think that whole championship ring raffle was a great idea but let’s not be selfish, Henry and Lucchino. Send one of those bad boys down to St. Pete and give credit where credit is due.

And if you look at the schedule, Tampa Bay always seems to be sandwiched between some of the league’s heavyweights, as if baseball is saying: “Sorry about New York and Chicago, but here’s Tampa for six games to boost your self-esteem going into August.”

To put in terms some of you may understand: The Devil Rays represent the fat girl a guy hooks up with on a lonely Tuesday night with the intention of feeding the ego, thus providing the motivation and fine tuning that will lead to the big score on the weekend with a Barstool Sports cover model.

2. Warm-Up Fight

This one can go hand in hand with No. 1.

You don’t go into a big fight without a little warm up bout. And with the Sox/Rays, I’m speaking literally. These two teams just don’t get along.

There is probably more bad blood between these teams than the Boston/New York rivalry, but because of this thing the experts like to call a payroll, NO ONE gives a shit about a Boston/Tampa riff.

Earlier this season on April 24, six ejections and a couple suspensions were handed out after a bench clearing brawl incited when David Ortiz was brushed back at the plate by Tampa Bay’s Lance Carter.

Last September, things almost got ugly when the King Of Hitbatsman Bronson Arroyo pegged a couple Devil Rays and Tampa pitcher Scott Kazmir broke his no-hitter by hitting Manny Ramirez and Kevin Millar the following inning, forcing an ejection.

This mutual hatred stems back all the way back to August of 2000, when Tampa Bay’s Gerald Williams charged the mound after being hit by Pedro Martinez. That was the day I realized my Grandmother could probably beat up a future Hall of Fame pitcher.

The fighting has been frequent between the two teams, and yes, nothing is quite as memorable as Pedro/Zimmer or A-Rod/Teck, but Rocky needed to face somebody before he took on Apollo, right?

3. Small Ball still exists!!!!

It seems whenever we face the D-Rays, I sit back in amazement and yell: Now that’s what it’s like to have a fast team!

Question their commitment to win you can, but Tampa Bay has always featured some of the league’s best base stealers.

They have two players (Carl Crawford and Julio Lugo) on the top ten stolen base list in baseball this season.

Sox fans tend to get caught up in the home run derbies with teams like Baltimore, Texas and New York with final scores like 13-12. But whenever we see the Rays, we become re-introduced to some actual strategy on the base paths.

Tampa games provide some tight, low-scoring contests in which the fate of the game could rest solely on a stolen base attempt by either team.

Not one extra inning game through 98 ballgames, but the Sox go to Tampa and have two consecutive contests that go the extra frames. That same series had ten stolen base attempts total between the two clubs.

As for the previous three games against the White Sox, the stolen base total between both teams was one. And this coming from the White Sox, the team leading the majors in steals.

The Rays make you earn your victories--close, extra innings ball is what gets teams ready for the playoffs. Stealing bases certainly isn’t our forte here in Boston but a friendly reminder never hurt.

4. We love you, Tito!

I don’t know about you but Lou Pinella makes me miserable.

He is just a disgusting looking man who should just cut his losses and pass the baton to Billy Hatcher. Leave the game, Lou.

I won’t deny that he is the most entertaining manager to watch when he loses his temper, but even that’s getting old. The sad truth is that Lou is in the dugout to help sell tickets for a squad with less star power than the Brockton Rox. And I’m serious. Oil Can is money, baby!

So until Lou quits(or croaks), we will enjoy watching him spit in the umpire’s face as his team sinks further into hopelessness.

And we’ll take a look at our skipper and say, hey, Francona may be the biggest player’s manager in Boston’s history and more positive than a Palmeiro urine test, but he’s still better than that lunatic in Tampa.

5. Thank God for Fenway

How depressing is Tropicana Field?

Let’s look at the name. I know it’s Florida, but common! Did Boston name their stadium Clam Chowder Park? And did Colorado name their stadium after a beer? Hmm…Bad example.

Forget the name. Just look at the place. They have cat walks for christ’s sake. And a big ugly white dome!

And their park has a WHOLE lot of seats. How do I know such? Because I can see all but seven of them on TV.

I think Boston fans provide half their revenue for the year. I thought the Sox were wearing the wrong uniforms when David Wells left the mound a couple weeks ago to a standing ovation at the Trop.

I’m just waiting for “Dirty Water” to be played after a Sox win in Tampa Bay.

That has to be so embarrassing for Tampa ownership but for Sox fans, it’s all just another reminder of how important we are to baseball. We’re carrying the attendance for two major league baseball teams. Who else can say that?

The Devil Rays may be one of the biggest jokes in sports nowadays but they sure add some spice to the already flavorful plate of Red Sox nation, don’t they?

Thanks, Tampa Bay. You suck. Job well done.