Things I Wish I Had Been Told

In the next few weeks, colleges will be letting out for the summer and thousands of kids will be graduating.  Once all of the parties and the fun stuff is over, you’re going to be expected to do things like get a job, find a place to live, and quit mooching off of your parents.  I know  It sucks.  Thusly, I wanted to let you bright young things in on a few things that surprised me when they came my way.  Here is a list of things I wish someone had told me when I left school and had to be a grown-up.

That last big trip you take with your friends before you graduate or right after probably will be the last time you guys all hang out.  From now on, there’s always going to be at least one person who can’t make it.

Living with your parents is going to suck.  It doesn’t matter how well you get along, there is going to be a lot of friction.  Ew, not that kind!  Move out as soon as you can, as your relationship with them will improve a thousand per cent once you’re on your own.

Rent is really expensive.  When you’re first starting out, it can be like three-quarters of what you make (or maybe that was just my shitty job). And on top of that, you have to pay bills.  Contrary to what most people who live with their parents believe, cable is really expensive.  I didn’t know how to steal cable, but I bet some of you do.  This will save you a fortune.

Running up your credit card now is going to bite you in the ass later. 

Don’t become a crazy stalker.  No story, just don’t.

If you went away to school, outside of a city, you will see that bars in town are way more expensive than college bars.  There are no quarter pitchers, no $1 yards of mixed drinks and, most horribly, no Ladies’ Night.  Also, even when you are 30, you will still be reminiscing about the amazing drink specials you had at school.

Don’t put drunk and/or nakedish pictures of yourself on the Internet for everyone to see while you are looking for a job.  All bosses Google you. Facebook and MySpace are goldmines of embarrassing information.  Be careful what you type.

It is in your best interest to pretend your internships in the past were really cool and you did a ton of work there, even if all you did was make copies.  Don’t talk about booze on an interview.  Wear a suit and comb your hair.  If you are hungover before an interview, make sure you get all of the vomit off of your suit before you go in.  Actually, I did not get all of the vomit off of my suit before my first real interview and I got the job anyway, so you might be fine.  Oh, and don’t swear.  I know, I know, I am a total idiot.  I ended up with the job (it was clearly an eventful interview, right?) but I felt so stupid.

If your boss sexually harasses you during your first week at your first real job, you should probably tell on him.  Especially if he has a handlebar mustache.  I kept my mouth shut and bet I really could have profited from that particular incident.

You’re going to make out with a coworker, perhaps several.  It makes the workday more interesting, but it could result in a fistfight at a bar if you happen to make out with someone that one of your more deranged coworkers has a crush on.  So be careful.  Unless you have an awesome right hook, which I just so happened to have had.  I mean, this never happened to me!  It’s a hypothetical, of course.

If you are a girl, take advantage of the attention you’re getting now.  Once you hit 26, it’s all downhill.  There will be a new crop of girls who are younger and more desperate than you hitting the bars and the attention you so enjoyed will start going to them.  This is when your guy friends are going to start looking better and better.  Don’t mess everything up by hooking up with them and then acting weird.  Just be cool.

If you are a guy, girls your age are going to give you the brush-off, because older guys with more to offer will be all up in their stuff.  Girls that are older than you, however, will stalk you.  So be prepared for that.  However, this stuff all goes out the window if you’re a good cook.  Chicks will be all up in your business.  But again, maybe that was just me. 

Once you’re on your own, your friends become your family.  It is so, so much fun.  Also, in about eight years, you’re going to talk about the stuff that happened during this time–when you had no responsibilities, a little money to burn – and you’re not going to believe some of the shit you pulled.  But you are going to remember that, for the most part, it was awesome.

Oh, and Britney Spears is going to get way less awesome in the coming years, but don’t worry, she’s going to come back… maybe.  Remember now, this article about what I wish I had been told when I graduated college.  What?!