Random Thoughts

What a way for Josh Beckett to return off the DL. Becks had a fantastic outing, carrying a one hitter into the 7th, and getting the win against the Cleveland Indians, 4-2. Josh allowed 2 earned runs, both in the 7th, and only walked one while fanning 7. He is now 8-0.

Okajima got his 4th save, striking out tying run Trot Nixon to end the game...Apparently Eric Wedge never saw tape of Trot against a lefty...

Not much for the Tribe fans to cheer about tonight, especially when Youk was batting. He added to his league leading multi-hit games mark and drilled a solo shot into the monster seats as one of his two RBI...He's now batting .358.

Oh yeah, almost forgot. Chiz has banned Yankoff talk, so UB can't mention that they lost on a late steal of home against Andy Pettitte and a sack fly that Johnny Damon was able to get into 2nd on the fly...Damn Yankees are now 14.5 behind...What a sad song:

Can someone please open a Hardee's in Massachusetts?!?! It was bad enough watching the Paris Hilton ad, knowing that you had to go out west or into the deep south to find a Carl's Jr. (the other version of Hardee's). The only thing that may have been better than this is if they were selling Corn Dogs...

I saw this on blumpkinsforall; it's Arizona centerfielder Caitlyn Lowe (kind of cute, see pic) smashing her face into the right field wall during a "Super Regional" game on Saturday against Cal-State Fullerton. As the blogger points out, you gotta love the "Titan Moms" here who are shown by ESPN-U pointing in the direction of right field like no one in the stadium has any clue what just happened to the Wildcats' centerfielder. Thanks, Titan Moms. If it wasn't for your pointing, the paramedics clearly would've had no idea where to drive the cart.

And yes, for record-keeping purposes, this is the first day in Barstool history we posted 3 clips of chicks "going down" in competition. Ironically, all 3 were SFW.

Not even quite sure what to say about this. Seeing the guy who is reponsible for turning the Patriots into the Celtics of old do a photo shoot like a Barstool babe is a little unsettling...Here's the link to some clips from the article, including these quotes regarding his future fatherhood:

On the media firestorm surrounding Bridget Moynahan's announcement that he is the father of her baby:
"It doesn't affect anybody but me anyway, so why is it a big deal?"

On becoming a father:
"It's going to be such a challenge [...] I want to prepare for it the way I do everything else in my life. I make lists. I make plans. But being a father is different. I think that people go into it and find out, Holy s-t, I have no control."

When SFA and UTSA get together in the SLC baseball tournament and there's a rain delay, well, it's a safe bet that some pretty hardcore rain delay hilarity is going to break out.

SFA, UTSA, SLC- Fellas, if you're gonna post a video on YouTube, take a minute to think about how you're going to describe it. "SFA VS. UTSA SLC Baseball Tournament" means nothing to 99.9% of average American sports fans. You might as well have written the description in Farsi.

The guy in the above photo, Derek Lindsay, holds three things sacred:

• his delts
• his ink
• his son never having to wait in line to meet fictional characters

Lindsay was at a Taunton McDonald's with his son when Ronald McDonald and Shrek showed up to meet and greet the little kids. Someone didn't get the memo and Lindsay's son was not moved immediately to the front of the line to meet the two sweaty pedophiles sporting the Ronald and Shrek costumes.

So Lindsay did what any father would do- he instructed his kid to shove the other kids out of the way. It's simple common sense, people. You're in a McDonald's and cartoon characters come out of nowhere. It's not a situation for decorum or delicacy; it's an every man for himself, grab your balls and pray type of situation. Lindsay recognized that. Unfortunately for him, another dad didn't grasp the severity of the situation.

Lindsay offered to explain to the angry dad why Lindsay, Jr. most deserved to be at the front of the line. And by "offered to explain" I mean he threatened to "break the guy's fucking jaw in front of his little pantywaist son." Lindsay ended up in jail for disorderly conduct and disturbing the peace.

There's a lesson to be learned here for all fathers. Make sure that you talk to your kids before you get to the McDonald's about how to barge to the front of the line if a cartoon character is there. Don't rely on verbal commands. Think ahead and come up with some nonverbal signals like touching your nose or injecting yourself with some HGH. Planning ahead is half the battle.

-Thanks to Chris for the heads-up

1. Trying to give El Prez last minute advice on how to run the party is a waste of time. Not because he doesn't listen, but because he doesn't need it. The kid has his shit together and that ain't no jive talk honky.

2. I have a new BFF and she's got a tongue ring. "Nice!"

3. I finally know a girl who can tie a cherry stem into a knot with her tongue...Even if it took her 10 minutes.

4. If we sold a magazine that featured nothing but the knee caps of hot chicks, Soooooog would buy it.

5. MFSaint has been the best man at 5 different weddings. UB's only partied with him twice and it's easy to see why.

6. It's gonna be hard for anyone to beat Jillian in my eyes as the model of the year. The fact that she spent 10 minutes letting me help adjust her tie so it didn't cover up her cleavage was a bonus.

7. UB is a celebrity. A very, very, very small celeb. If there was a list of celebs from most recognized/important to least, UB would be right at the bottom...but still on the list.

8. UB and his buddy Dinj were the only ones who chose Miller High Life over Miller Lite. Gotta live that High Life...

9. Impossible as it may be to believe, Brittany is just as hot in person as she is in her cover spread. UB felt like Larry David talking to Hef's Girlfriends on Curb Your Enthusiasm. When UB ran out of questions for the gorgeous 21-year-old the topic of movies came up. Brittnay said she wanted to see Pan's Labyrinth because she liked magic. She was not impressed by UB's missing thumb trick.

10. Jerry Thornton can be my wing man any day of the week.

Before the CEOs and Office Ho's party gets too far in the rearview mirror, a couple of points...

My buddy Ken went to see Jimmy Buffett a bunch of years ago. Now, I like Buffett, but Kenny had an excellent point. He said "Buffett is a genius because he's no more talented than a Cape Cod happy hour DJ, but he's making millions..." While I disagree with his assessment of Buffett's singer/songwriter ability, I had to laugh at his underlying premise: that the man's popularity is waaay out of whack with his actual talent. What Buffett has done is tap into something. In his case, it's the overwhelming desire of working people to say "F- my job" and just go get drunk under a palm tree.

That's what going to these Barstool parties is like for those of us who work here. I didn't check with Chisholm, Manzo, UB or the Goddess Kati, but I think I can speak for them when I say it's astonishing to see the nerve that Barstool has struck among the Cubicle Slaves of the world. None of has any delusions we're friggin' Frank Deford, but it's overwhelmingly satisfying...and a little unsettling...to meet people at these parties and hear them be able to repeat back to you something that you or the other writers have said. I don't think El Pres exactly created this subculture...of overworked, underappreciated worker drones who are just looking for a couple of laughs and a hot girl to get through the day... but he sure as hell has tapped into it.

And it's great to be part of it. The Stoolies I spent the night hanging with are the best people and the hottest women in Boston, period. Anyone who hears about these parties and doesn't get on the list should have a mirror put under their nose to make sure they're still alive.

One last thing. That Barstool cigar was the best I've ever had. The crap I've been smoking must be filled with Chinese newspapers and recycled Goodyears. Don't save it for a souvenier, smoke the damned thing while it's fresh. Otherwise, send it to me.

Viva la Stool.

What an absolute goddamned outrage. I had Blazin' Blondie straight up at 7-to-2, on a Win/Place/Show ticket and as part of a key wheel trifecta. I mean, clearly the surface was soft, but she's always done well on a slow track. She gets off to great lead then takes a spill 20 yards from the finish line? Obviously the fix was in. If you can't trust the integrity of Hollywood Park bikini racing, what's left.

And yes, there is truth to the rumor that the girls are chasing an electronic Uncle Buck.

Frank Baxter found the clip.

I spent a few hours researching the rules and regulations of the NBA Draft and unfortunately, it seems like the Celtics are required to make a selection this year. I was hoping that they could just forget to turn in a pick and use the cap space to sign a free agent. But alas, Danny Ainge will be feigning excitement about whoever ends up being the fifth pick in the draft.

A quick look at the Celtics roster makes one thing clear- there isn't anything they don't need. Outside of Paul Pierce and Al Jefferson, there isn't a player on the team that has playing time locked up and no position couldn't use an infusion of some talent. And by "talent" I mean actual talent, not Ainge-speak talent. A player with Ainge-speak talent is defined as a "player with no discernible talent, trade value or superior NBA skill."

Four prospects seem to be the most likely Celtics picks- Brandan Wright, Al Horford, Yi Jianlian and Corey Brewer. I still think that the Celtics should think about taking Mike Conley, Jr., either as the proverbial point guard of the future or as trade-bait now that the Blazers have turned over control of personnel decisions to Oden.

Brandan Wright- He's long and athletic. Just like every NBA player. He's weak inside, needs to gain about 30 pounds and would likely hang around the perimeter clanking shots. Based on the below YouTube highlight reel, Wright is more than capable of dominating the slow-footed, unathletic Gonzaga big men, exactly the opposite type of player that he'll facing in the NBA.

Al Horford- He's long and athletic. Just like every NBA player. He's a strong finisher, solid defender and hard worker. He can't hit jack from outside and his low post game could use some polish. He's Dominican so he would probably be psyched to come to Boston and hang out with Manny and Papi.

Yi Jianlian- He's long and athletic. Just like every NBA players. He's also from China which is absolutely terrifying. I'll be honest- there's a part of me that really wants the Celtics to draft this guy. The Celtics suck and they're going to suck for a while. As a fan, short of the dancers going topless, the only thing that's going to get me to watch their games is the chance to see a 7-foot Chinese guy gawkily running up and down the parquet. Especially if it means that there will be Chinese rap blaring inside the Garden.

Corey Brewer- He's long and athletic. Just like every NBA player. Out of these four prospects, Brewer actually already does something really, really well. He's a ferocious defender and would instantly become the team's defensive stopper. Brewer and Rajon Rondo would also be a great defensive duo. Despite my fascination with Yi's Far East game, I think Brewer would actually be the best fit for the Celtics. Yes, he's raw offensively but it's not like this team is going to be in the playoffs next year. By the time 2012 rolls around and the C's are competitive again, Brewer will be ready.

Just in case you were watching Jazz/Spurs, Red Sox/Indians or Senators/Ducks (joking about the last one), this is the Telemundo feed of Miss USA, Rachel Smith, taking an untimely header in the evening gown competition during last night's Miss Universe pageant. Unfortunately, things went from bad to worse for Ms. Smith as she was later booed by the hostile Mexican crowd who mistakenly thought the Miss Universe pageant was a World Cup soccer match. You stay classy, country of Mexico.

Other shocking news of the night was that Miss Brazil somehow LOST to Miss Japan, and that Cowboy quarterback Tony Romo was a celebrity judge.

This Roger Clemens-NESN commercial was just too bad not to post.

The big news in the world of gossip is that Lindsey Lohan got charged with a DUI after smashing her Mercedes into a curb this weekend.  Apparently she got in a fight with some ugly ass lesbian DJ that she’s been hanging around with lately and left a house party at 5am in a rage.  That’s when the curb popped out of nowhere and got in her way.  Cops also found coke in the car, blah, blah, blah…   The only reason I even mention this story is it brought back memories of my absolute favorite celebrity car crash of all time.  I’m obviously talking about when some dude was driving with Paris Hilton and threw a coat over his head trying to escape the Paparazzi.  Not surprisingly he only made it three feet before driving into a parked truck.   Every time I see this video it cracks me up.  It just proves the old adage; it’s tough to drive when you can’t see.

Oh and just in case you’re worried about whether this will tame Lindsey’s crazy ways, the paparazzi caught her passed out drunk the next night once again with her ugly ass lesbian DJ friend.  Good for Lindsey.  A little DUI ain’t going to slow her shit down.

Well the Stokke Show has officially gone national.  Our dear friend Allison Stokke is on the cover of the Washington Post today as she tells her sob story about how the internet has essentially ruined her life.  First of all, I’ve got to say that agreeing to do this story probably wasn’t the best idea if she really wants this whole thing to go away.  Because anytime I see Stokke in the news I have no choice but to post more pictures of her.  Anyway, the beauty of this story is that despite all her complaining you know that becoming an internet sensation will be the best thing that has ever happened to her.   As an expert on sexual exploitation, I can guarantee that more good will come out of this than bad.  She’ll get job opportunities and offers that she never even dreamed of before.    So as much as I’d like to shed a tear for her, sorry if I’m not crying.

Also as a word of warning to all you deranged Stoolies out there, Stokke’s father is watching you.  So don’t say anything stupid like you were hiding in her bushes yesterday or anything like that or he’ll come after your ass.  

Finally, I also loved how the guy from With Leather got all the credit for breaking this story.    I have nothing against With Leather and think they do a good job.  And we definitely get our share of stories from him.    But let’s call a spade a spade.   By the time he caught on to the Stokke Show we had already written an entire book on her.    But that’s the nature of blogging so you really can’t complain.   Although it certainly would have been nice to get some free publicity out of the deal though.   

I was sitting in Faneuil Hall the other day and I had an hour to kill before my next meeting.  So I turned on my laptop to see if there were any wireless networks that I could log onto.  I was pleasantly surprised to find out that the City of Boston actually offers free wi-fi access to people with laptops.   But my joy quickly turned to rage when tried to log onto barstoolsports.com.   Because instead of seeing the glorious Stool logo, I received an error message saying that this site had been banned by Mayor Menino because of questionable content.  Let me ask you this; who the fuck is Menino to play god with what websites people want to visit?     This is clearly a violation of the 5^th Amendment or one of the amendments about free speech and all that shit.    Listen it’s one thing to steal my news racks, but now they are going to try and ban my website from city grounds?  Enough is enough.   Menino better watch out.  If he keeps pushing my buttons he may end up in a dog fight in the next election.  El Pres for Mayor?  I like the sounds of that.  And I think a platform built on newsrack legislation and freeing www.barstoolsports.com would be pretty powerful.

NEWS- For immediate release

May 29, 2007

Contact: Jamie Chisholm/ chisholm@barstoolsports.com

Barstool Sports Will No Longer Cover The Embarrassing Yankees

Boston- Barstool Sports' Jamie Chisholm announced today that newspaper/website will no longer devote any significant coverage to the New York Yankees, a professional baseball team noted for its long-run of success last century.

"The Red Sox have a 13.5 game lead on the last place Yankees," Chisholm said, "Barstool Sports isn't going to waste our valuable time covering a $200 million team that throws a parade anytime they win two games in a row."

"As a Boston-based global media behemoth, Barstool Sports has a responsibility to alert our readers to actual threats to the Red Sox's dominance," Chisholm said, "Not perceived threats based on an outdated mode of thought that convinces some Sox fans that the 2007 Yankees don't suck despite all the evidence to the contrary."

Barstool Sports will focus more attention on the Baltimore Orioles, the Red Sox's closest competitor in the division, as well as the Cleveland Indians, Detroit Tigers, Chicago White Sox and Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, four teams the Red Sox could likely face in the postseason. Barstool Sports will also devote additional time to the New York Mets, a New York-based sports team that in the words of Chisholm, "actually matter."

While Barstool will no longer focus on the Yankees, the site will make mention of significant events that come out of the Bronx. "When Steinbrenner finally loses it and cans Cashman and Torre or trades Hughes and Cano or when Clemens comes back and throws five mediocre innings for a team that's 15 games out of first place and makes $1,000,000 for his efforts, we'll make mention of that," Chisholm said, "But on a day-to-day basis, the Yankees are dead to us."

Resident Yankees fan/Barstool Sports writer Peter Manzo was informed of the new direction of Barstool Sports and understands the change. "There comes a time in every Yankees fan's life when you have to open up your eyes," Manzo said, "13.5 games back on Memorial Day tells me everything I need to know about the 2007 Yankees."

"Looks like it's time to dig my Mets jersey out of the closet."

Chisholm did add that he will be posting all the comments from Barstool readers that called him "crazy," "retarded," and "a fucking idiot" for continually proclaiming that the Red Sox would walk away with the AL East. "But once I post that," Chisholm said, "I'll get back to the important stuff like finding Hayden Panettiere photos and searching YouTube for freak sports injuries."

So I haven’t really talked about our Barstool Office Party that much yet.   First of all, I want to thank everybody who came out to support the Stool.   I’d say that the party was a success.   We had a ton of girls there which is always a good thing.    The cigar roller was a hit and the Barstool Girls were smoking hot per usual.   Hopefully everybody will come back to Ned Devine’s in just about our month for our next Signature Party which is a Barstool Sports Luau.    But enough about that already.  Clearly the big news of the night was that Kina from Road Rules was there.   And trust me when I say I turned on the old El Pres charm as I tried to wiggle a tell all interview from her for the Stool.  I probably spoke with Kina for about 20 minutes and learned the following things.   First of all, don’t ever say “I loved you on the Inferno” to somebody who was never on the Inferno.  I’m still kicking myself for using that as my opening line.   Luckily she didn’t slap me in the face after I said that.   It turns out her latest show is Road Rules View Revenge which she admitted in a private moment to me sucks.   Also, Kina is currently living in Boston and retired from the MTV circuit.  Furthermore she cried when Timmy gave his retirement speech in the last episode of the Inferno and referred to him as the “Godfather of Rulers”   She also hates people like me who she considers part of the “Media” for always making fun of MTV.   But by the end of our conversation I think I made her realize that I’m not an enemy of MTV, but rather a protector.  All in all, she seemed like a really cool girl and hopefully we’ll get an interview with her in the next couple weeks.

P.S. – Apparently stripes make me look fat.