Some days, picking a "Rate The Birthday Girl" Girl from the millions of potential candidates is a challenge that requires me to stare at countless photos of half-naked beauties in order to make the proper call. Today is not one of those days.

Here were my choices:

• Ana Beatriz Barros, supermodel
• LaToya Jackson, hobo with fake boobs
• Melissa Etheridge, Birkenstock wearer
• Scary Spice, hobo with stretch marks
• Blair Warner, Christian warrior

Etheridge gets points because she makes out with girls but in the end, it was Barros in a rout.

Barros is a classic Brazilian freak-of-nature supermodel. If you saw her in a supermarket, minus all her makeup and professional lighting, I think you would crap your pants. She kinda looks like a giant insect/human hybrid bent on exterminating the human race.

But with some lipstick, bright lights and a fan, she's a smokeshow. We're rating that Barros, not the one that looks like she wants to eat your brain.