Random Thoughts

Naplesnews - - EMI Music Marketing announced today the upcoming album "Music From The Mound" from Red Sox pitcher Daisuke Matsuzaka. EMI will distribute the album in the United States, Toshiba/EMI will distribute the album in Japan. "Music From The Mound" features a compilation of Matsuzaka's favorite and inspirational songs from various American, English and Japanese recording artists. The album also features the new original track "Gyro Ball", which includes guest performances from former J. Geils harmonica player Magic Dick, former Extreme guitarist Nuno Bettencourt as well as Boston Red Sox television announcers Don Orsillo and Jerry Remy.

If you watched the Sox game tonight then you heard the world's greatest broadcast team introduce the first cut of the new Dr. Charles Steinburg, er, Dice K CD that is coming out. The clip they played was really just some remix techno track with Don and Jerry saying things like "That looked like the Gyro Ball" and "Look at the movement on the Gyro Ball" while a lay over voice repeats "GY-RO BALL." The name of the song of course is "Gyro Ball."

What is even more ridiculous is that the album is co-executive produced by Boras Marketing. Apparently this is one of the things Scott Boras was able to get the Sox to agree to during contract negotiations. Is it possible that Boras felt like he had to try and do something else to make Dice K some more money?

Variety - - Brett Ratner is set to direct "Playboy," the Universal Pictures and Imagine Entertainment film about the life of Playboy magazine founder Hugh Hefner. Brian Grazer is producing, and John Hoffman is writing the screenplay. Grazer optioned Hefner's life rights several years ago. The producer's "8 Mile" scribe Scott Silver tried it as a musical, and Oliver Stone developed several drafts. Making a film of Hefner's long life as icon of the sexual revolution has proven difficult, but Ratner and Hoffman found a way to do it that pleased Grazer and the 81-year-old Hefner, who approved the take late last week in a meeting at the Playboy Mansion.

Did Hef really approve this or did he figure if they don't start filming soon he'll be dead by the time they finally find a production group he likes. Hef's story could have a chance to be a pretty good movie if they did it like Boogie Nights or Blow. The problem is that if Hef is behind the scenes on this one there is no chance they'll have a scene in his bedroom where he has 6 girlfriends go at it while another one screws him in the ass with a carrot (as ex-girlfriends have suggested happened). And since he's currently banging Kendra and the other two, they won't have the "downfall" finale like you see in so many of these bio-pics...Why don't they just remake Penthouse's Caligula (video link NSFW)?

AP - - FAYETTEVILLE, Ga. — Canadian pro wrestler Chris Benoit, his wife and son were found dead Monday and police said they were investigating the deaths as a homicide. Lt. Tommy Pope of the Fayette County Sheriff’s Department in suburban Atlanta said the three were found at their home about 2:30 p.m., but refused to release details. Pope said results of autopsies on Benoit, his wife Nancy, and seven-year-old son Daniel were expected Tuesday.

Chris Benoit is dead? Are you freaking kidding me? The guy was made of iron, how is he dead? Another wrestler is gone, but this time it wasn't drugs or a failing heart due to steroids like we're used to. Police believe it was a homicide and his wife and child were also killed. Amazing that in the same week that the WWE had a story line in which Vince McMahon was "killed", first Sensational Sherri dies and now Benoit. Maybe what is more crazy is that Raw is once again showing these wrestlers remembering a dead friend then fading to black. They've got it down pat when a fellow wrestler dies. The set up a chair and a camera and they line up to remember him.

As a wrestler, Benoit was amazing to watch. He was about a foot shorter than everyone he fought and was awful at doing an interview. He was, however, one of the best technical wrestlers ever. He beat Shawn Michaels and Triple H for the World Heavyweight Championship at WrestleMania XX. He was mentioned in the same breath as Ric Flair, Bret Hart, Ricky Steamboat and other technical masters. In fact, when Bret wanted to do a tribute match to his brother Owen, he picked Benoit to wrestle.

Here's the 2nd half of his classic WrestleMania 17 match against Kurt Angle:

We're all about causes here at the Stool. And even though I don't really care that the Bruins suck, I'm sure many Stoolies do. So feel free to check out www.pleasesellthebruins.com and buy a bumper sticker while you're at it.

It’s official.  Angelina Jolie has a terrible ass.   It’s like Sampson with his hair.  To be honest, I grew suspicious when I posted the first picture of her ass a couple weeks ago in everybody’s favorite game… Guess That Ass.   And now after seeing these pictures of her today in white pants no less, I’m afraid our worst fears have come true.   Angelina Jolie has a frumpy ass.   Sure Angelina brings the thunder up top and has a face to die for, but her ass is flat out unacceptable.  This is a sad day for America indeed.  Talk about a confidence booster for the enemies of this country. I feel like we are now one step closer to Canada invading us.   

Only in Wisconsin do beer and exercise mix. Several hundred people laced up Sunday morning for a two-mile charity race in which suds were the refresher of choice. Competitors in the 19th annual Beer Belly Two might not be considered athletes, but they know how to have a good time.

"My kids are running it, so hopefully they're already at the finish line and I'll see them in an hour or so," said racer Doug Burmeister. "You know, there's a lot of beer stops."

The race has raised more than $350,000 for local charities since its inception.

How pissah is this idea? Wicked pissah. That's how pissah. Seriously, if you had a choice between seeing a bunch of Packers fans lugging their fat asses from beer station to beer station or watching a bunch of scrawny Kenyans sprinting up Boylston St., which would you choose? This is a no-brainer.

And I love how they consider it a "race" even though it's only two miles. A brisk walking pace is 4 MPH. Simple math tells you at that rate you can traverse 2 miles in a half hour. My man Burmeister is allowing himself an hour. Sure a marathoner can be in Newton in that much time, but let's see him try it with a cup of Sam Adams Triple Bock in his mitts.

I'm stuck in Massachusetts forever. But if I absolutely had to leave, I could move to Wisconsin in a nanosecond. These people strike me as just the right combination of Midwestern nice and sedentary, self-abusing party animals. Like Germans who'd rather watch football than conquer the world.

David Ortiz married a Wisconsin chick. And he tells the story of the first time he went to a Packers game with her family. They got him out of bed to get to the game and it was like 3 degrees outside. One of his in-laws offered him a shot. Big Papi asked him what time it is. "8 AM." "What time is the game?" "8 PM." A people who think the only kind of marathon to enter is a drinking marathon... is my kind of people.

The best part of this video is the anticipation. I kept waiting for the kid to finally jump. It was like a big let down every time he went back for one more swing. Also, I wonder who was holding the video camera? You got to give him major points for getting the money shot on the broken arm. Lots of lesser cameramen probably would have dropped the camera and ran for help, but not this guy. Good for him.

According to Mike Reiss, Marquise Hill will still count against the Patriots' salary cap.

According to the NFL's player personnel department, the Patriots are currently being charged the unamortized portion of Hill's prior signing bonus, as well as a likely-to-be-earned minimum offseason workout per diem.

After he was selected with the final pick of the second round in the 2004 draft, Hill had signed a five-year contract that included a $1.15 million signing bonus.

Entering 2007, the unamortized portion of the bonus was $460,000. Hill also had a likely-to-be-earned offseason workout per diem of $6,720 for 2007.

So based on those numbers, the Patriots' salary cap charge would come to $466,720.

Kudos to the NFL for this brilliant enforcement of the rules. The salary cap, what the owners like to call "cost certainty" has made the NFL...I mean, "National Football League," the envy of the sports world. And it should be protected at all costs.

I mean, think about what happens if they make an exception for a mamby-pamby excuse like Hill's tragic death? Let the Pats benefit from Hill's life being cut short, and you'll create an incentive for other teams to follow suit. Then what'll you have? Teams will go to drastic lengths to get cap relief. You'll have contracts taken out on the high salary guys, murders, mysterious disappearances, fake deaths...it'll be chaos.

Good move by the NFL to follow the NBA's lead on this. Because I think the Celtics are still taking a cap hit on Len Bias and Reggie Lewis. And we know how good that's been for the sport.

I've always been a big believer that before you make a long term investment in a girl, you size up her mom. How well mom has aged is the best indication you can have as to what you'll be waking up to twenty years down the road should you last that long.

The classic example of the consequences of not living by this theorem is Arnold Schwarzenegger. Few people today remember that when he married Maria Shriver, she was considered an anchor hottie. A hell of a catch. What he didn't consider is how poorly Kennedys age, and one day he woke up to find himself married to Cruella DeVille.

On that basis, with Hayden Panetierre's 18th birthday fast approaching, how bright is her future, based on how her mother looks? Is she a good long-term risk? I say "yes." Not that her mom is a world-class MILF, but she's pretty good. Good enough for me to think there's some decent aging genes in that DNA.

I'd invest heavily in Hayden Futures. (Past performance is not indicative of future results.)

ABC.com - A teenage girl's legs were severed above the ankle while on a thrill ride at a popular amusement park on Thursday, park officials said.

The accident happened around 4:45 p.m. on the Superman Tower of Power at Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom, said Six Flags spokeswoman Wendy Goldberg.

The ride lifts passengers 177 feet straight up, then drops 154 feet, reaching a speed of 54 mph according to the park's Web site.

Yuck.  Nothing funny to say about this story.   But it does reaffirm why I don’t go on scary rides.  I feel like only bad things can happen.  Personally I’m always afraid that I’m going to puke and then choke on it and die.    Didn’t that happen to somebody on the Turkish Twist at Canoby Lake Park?  I don’t know whether that is an urban legend or not, but this has got to be the worst way to die even if it’s never happened before.  I mean it just doesn’t get any worse than choking on your own puke.   Therefore when I’m at a carnival I stick to the squirt gun horse race game or the roller ball horse race game.    Naturally I’m dominant at both.

Thanks to Mark for the link...

TMZ.com - Rapper Foxy Brown was attacked by three female friends of her ex-boyfriend yesterday morning.  Brown allegedly dumped Roshawn Anthony after finding out that he was a pimp. The angry ex then called the three attackers to beat up Brown. According to a police source in the Daily News, "they beat her bad. They ripped out her hair weave. Her hair was a mess -- and that seems to be what she cared about most."


I don’t know how to compete against this story.   I mean how can I write something funnier than the actual story itself?  I guess sometimes as a blogger you just need to tip your cap and move on.   A story about Foxy Brown’s ex pimp boyfriend sending in 3 ho’s to fuck up her hair weave is like a 99mph fastball on the black.  Totally unhittable.

Thanks to Soog for the link...

Bostonherald.com -  A monkey named Ayla will throw out the ceremonial first pitch before next Saturday’s game at Fenway Park[map]against Texas. It is part of the Helping Hands: Monkey Helpers for Disabled, Inc., outing at Fenway.

Huh?  I don’t get it.  A monkey?  A real monkey?   Listen I’m all for charity and shit like that, but can we at least get a human being out there?  Is that too much to ask? How about one of the disabled kids?    They got to have as good a fastball as a monkey right?   This has to be a Lucchino special.

As much as I’m ashamed to admit it, I consider myself a MTV Sweet 16 expert.  Therefore, I feel like I can say with some degree of authority that this is the most outrageous clip in the history of the show.   I mean what kind of stupid bitch is the mother?   Has she never seen Sweet 16 before?  You always give the car at the party!  You NEVER under circumstance give your kid the new car the day before the party.  I hate to be so hard on the mother, but she literally ruined her kid’s life.   It honestly wouldn’t surprise me if the daughter killed herself and she’d be totally within her rights.  Give her the fucking Lexus on the day of the party.   How difficult is that?   

ESPN.com - The Hagers are trying to figure out how life went off track for their teenage daughter, Windy.

They envisioned that life for the good student and promising athlete would be filled with dreams of the prom and college, but that all changed this week when Windy, 16, married her high school track coach.

"Signing those consent forms was the hardest thing I did in my whole life, but we had to move on, it was going to kill us all," Dennis (her father) said.

I'm a little late on this story, but can I take a stab at when things went off track for the Hagers?   It was the second they named their kid “Windy”.   After all, it’s a well known fact that if you give your kid a hippy name, hippy life rules apply.   And according to my hippy handbook, age and shit like that doesn’t matter.   It’s all about free love baby. So really the Hagers have nobody to blame but themselves.   And what’s the deal with signing the consent forms for her to get married?    Listen, I don’t want to hear your sob story when you’re happily putting your daughter on waivers.    If this was my kid she’d be locked in a closet until she was 50 years old.   There is no way I’d let my daughter marry the high school cross country coach.  The high school football coach, maybe, but certainly not the cross country coach.  

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Whom do you want to wake up with? Ub@barstoolsports.com.

(Personal note to UB: Sorry buddy, but I had to change it to "whom"...)