Random Thoughts

UB has never been a Phil Jackson fan, but in this case UB is here to defend the Zen Master...These were Phil's comments following a loss to the Spurs when the Lakers gave up 13 3-pointers:

"We call this a 'Brokeback Mountain' game because there's so much penetration and kick-outs," Jackson said. "It was one of those games."

Of course the Gay-Rights folks are all up in arms and the NBA has even released a statement regarding the comments. Sorry, but that was a fucking good line. UB wishes he had thought it up. How about giving Phil a little credit here? Have you ever heard him say anything funny in the past? The only problem with the joke as UB sees it, is that Brokeback Mountain came out a while ago.

Revised NBA Statement:

"We are thrilled to learn that Phil Jackson has a personality."

From the Inside Track:

Reluctant sex god Matt Damon was named People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive yesterday, an honor he tried to defer to another local hunk, New England Patriots QB/QT Tom Brady. “He’s like a taller, better-looking version of me anyway,” Damon wrote in a letter to People...“Matt and I always argue about who’s sexier,” joked Brady...

Hey, this is pretty cool. Damon's a Cambridge guy who's climbed all the way to the top of the celebrity babe hound ladder. Great career going for himself. Brady of course has adopted Boston as his hometown. He's doing super too. Two local guys made good who've made friends with each other and...um...hang out. Call each other up, have a few laughs...tell each other how tall and good looking and sexy...

NOOOOOO!!! I can't take this! I can't do this any more! I can't...I can't and I won't. I can't sit here another minute and pretend that Brady's flaming metrosexuality doesn't bother me. I've reached the limit of how much a guy is supposed to endure.

I looked past the baby goat and the cowboy hat picture in the haystack. I ignored the crushed velvet jacket in the postgame press conference and his posing in the hoodie with it unzipped to show his chest. I struggle every day to shut all this out because Brady is the greatest athlete in the history of Boston and I know he only does it because he's such a goddamned ladies man that he knows he can carry on like he's the next Brian Boitano and still pull tail at immeasurable levels. But I draw the line at pillow talk between him and Matt Damon about who's sexier. At some point, Tom, you've just got to let up on us and start acting like you're the second coming of Bronco Nagurski. Please. I'm a huge fan but I can't take any more the metrosexuality. Because being a metrosexual usually just means that everyone knows you're gay except for you. I'm just saying.

That was possibly the most fascinating 3 minutes of my life. In any event, let the lowbrow sexual jokes commence.

- Thanks to Johnny Knoxville for the tip

October 16, 2007. It sure seems like a long time ago. Fact is, every day we lose people to the ravages of time and fewer and fewer of us are around today who still remember that day as it fades into memory.

Of course none of us had any idea at the time that the day would ever be worth remembering. It seemed just a day indistinguishable from any other. Because we didn't know then what we know now: 10/16/07 was the last time a professional Boston sports team lost a game.

It was Game 4 of the ALCS. A Tuesday as I recall. George W. Bush was in the White House. America was at war. Jeans, video games and iPods were all the rage among young people. "Crank That" by Soulja Boy Tell'em was at the top of the Billboard Charts. The most popular trends among celebrities were drugs, flashing their vaginas and losing their children to the state. The most popular TV show of the day was "CSI."

A quick check of the newspaper headlines of the era shows that the big issues of the day were wildfires in SoCal and lead paint on imported Chinese toys. A few more facts about the "Age When Boston Teams Sometimes Lost":
*You could buy a gallon of gas for $2.87
*A newspaper cost 50 cents
*The average home was selling for $211,000
*The Dow Jones average was hovering around 13,500.
*You could get a Red Sox grandstand ticket for $44 (plus a 125% mark-up from the ticket agency)

It was a magical time when anything seemed possible, even something we can't even imagine nowadays. Like a Boston pro team losing. [Ed. note: I'm well aware the Bruins have lost. They don't count.]

BEIJING (AFP) - Used condoms are being recycled into hair bands in southern China, threatening to spread sexually-transmittable diseases they were originally meant to prevent, state media reported Tuesday. "These cheap and colourful rubber bands and hair ties sell well ... threatening the health of local people," China Daily newspaper said. Despite being recycled, the hair bands could still contain bacteria and viruses, it said. "People could be infected with AIDS, (genital) warts or other diseases if they hold the rubber bands or strings in their mouths while waving their hair into plaits or buns," the paper quoted a local dermatologist who gave only his surname, Dong, as saying.

This is for all the female Stoolies out there who secretly have a crush on me.  If you have any visions of dating me in the future I highly suggest buying new condoms for your hair bands as opposed to used ones.   I don’t even fucking care whether Dr. Dong says they are safe or not.  Nothing turns me off faster than hair accessory that at one point was used as a hat for some dudes dick.   I mean you have to be the cheapest mother fucker on the planet if you buy old condoms for your hair as opposed to new ones.   Only in China and Kentucky would they pull this shit.

- Bookofass

News.com - A US banker who told his boss he needed time off work because of a family emergency has been busted after a photo of him in a tutu at a Halloween party turned up on Facebook. Kevin Colvin, an intern at the North American arm of Anglo Irish Bank, sent an email to his boss saying he could not make it into work. "Something came up at home and I had to go to New York this morning," Mr Colvin wrote on the afternoon of October 31, the day of the party. The Facebook pictures were uncovered the next day by co-workers, showing Mr Colvin in a neon fairy costume, with a beer in one hand and a "magic wand" in the other. When Mr Colvin's boss, Paul Davis, replied to the email, he copied the entire office.

Full Email Chain

This story is so great that I originally thought it was fake.  But when CNN starts covering it than I guess I got to give it the benefit of the doubt.   Anyway, great the move by the boss.   My only complaint is that he should have fired his ass at the end of the email.   That’s how it’s done.  You go cute and funny followed by rape and pillage.   Maybe something along the lines of this;

Hey Kevin,

Thanks for letting us know.  Hope everything is okay in New York.  PS – I never knew you were a gay fairy.   Feel free to take your little fairy wand and shove it up your ass because your fired.   I hope dressing up like a girl to party in Worcester was worth it.

So I was doing my paper route this week and I cut my finger wide open on some unknown object.  I still don’t know what happened but for a second I thought I was going to have to crash the Astrovan right through the front door of Tufts Medical for an emergency amputation.   Turns out I just needed a band aid. But I didn’t buy just any band aides.  Oh no, I bought Ebon Aides.   The first band aid exclusively designed for people of color.   Now for those people not familiar with El Pres, let the record show that I am Caucasian.   Therefore I was a little bit confused why the clerk gave me band aides designed for black people.  (the band aides were behind the register) To be honest I didn’t even know such a thing existed.    I was doubly confused when the band aid appeared to look and work the same exact way that white people band aides work.    As it turns out the reason I couldn’t tell the difference is because I bought the honey shade as opposed to licorice, mocha, coffee or cinnamon.   In any event, I feel like I really became more cultured after this whole experience.   Who knew there were such things as black people band aides?   It makes perfect sense though.   I wonder if African Americans think that stores that only sell normal band aides are racist?   Regardless, from now on I’m only buying Ebon Aide Licorice band aides just to prove that I’m all about equal rights.    Bottom-line is that we don’t care whether people are white, black, orange or blue as long as they read the Stool.  And what better way to spread that message than by wearing a licorice band aide?

Usually I don’t like roller blading and skate boarding type accidents.  I mean if you’ve seen one you’ve seen them all.  It seems like every one of these punk X gamers go around with their video cameras taping each other doing their little tricks blah, blah, blah.    And it’s almost like a badge of honor when these dudes wipe out and people like me put it on our blog.  So usually I just ignore them.  But this one was pretty good.  This is what he gets for doing punk type shit instead of playing wiffleball or stickball.  Keep on crying kid.

As everybody knows by now the Colts were dealt a devastating blow as Dwight Freeney was placed on IR and is out for the rest of the season.   Believe it or not I’ve heard some Pats fans say they wish Freeney didn’t get hurt.  That they want to beat the best, blah, blah, blah.   Well you’re not going to catch me saying that bullshit.  I was psyched when I heard Freeney was down for the season. In fact, if Dwight Freeney’s ankle falls off I’ll not only be fine with that, but I’ll be happy.     It’s not like he’s going to starve to death or anything.   The bottom line is that all teams have injuries.   And nobody ever remembers who was hurt or anything like that when the dust settles.  All people remember is who was hoisting the Lombardi Trophy at the end.  And anything that makes it easier for us to achieve the ultimate goal I’m in favor of.  I don’t care whether we need the help or not.  If we’d beat the Colts by 20 with Freeney well now maybe we’ll beat them by 30 and it will be that much sweeter.    So sorry if I don’t shed a tear for the poor Colts and all their injuries.  Because despite the fact that the Colts are whining and moaning like they’re the only team that ever has injuries, we’ve had like Manzo and Jerry playing in our secondary the last three seasons and nobody seemed to give a shit.      So good luck Indy and I can’t wait to see you in the playoffs.  Ha! Ha! Ha!   No seriously fuck you.

Much more Katherine here...

Who do you want to Wake Up with? Ub@barstoolsports.com