In case you're not familiar with her, there's a female stand-up comic named Lisa Lampanelli who went on Howard Stern Tuesday and bragged about a recent sexual hookup she had with member of the Chicago Bears. Apparently the Bears player contacted her through her website and when she was in Philly, and the Bears were in Philly, they met for a random tryst. This wouldn't be newsworthy except Lampanelli is 46, a comic, admittedly no swimsuit model, and did I mention the guy was a member of the Chicago Bears?

Who exactly the guy is, Lisa wouldn't say. But she did provide the following clues which should help the amateur sleuths among us. The swordsman in question:

* is a rookie
* has tattoos
* isn't a starter but isn't on the practice squad
* is black ("mocha latte")
* is from the south
* at some point this season, had an injured ankle
* admitted that he "has a thang for bangin' older white women"
* has a severly bent penis (which shouldn't help us at all unless you really study the draft)

We can also glean from Lampanelli's testimony that the guy really knows how to talk to a woman, as he said asked her "is this your first NFL dick?" Nice... there aren't enough "o"s in the word smooth for that caliber of pillow talk.

No one knows who this silver-tongued devil and world-class babehound is, though the speculation throughout the Bears fansites seems to lean toward either Trumaine McBride or Kevin Payne. Either way, expect commissioner Roger Goodell to step in and resolve the matter right away with fines, suspensions or lifetime banishment. The owners didn't give him sweeping powers to discipline players just to keep them from killing dogs or shooting guys in strip joints. They did it to protect the NFL from anyone shaming the game in this manner. Like Goodell says, it's an honor and a privelege to play in the NFL. You have a "thang" for older white women? Fine. Fat girls? If you must. But a comedian? That's a disgrace, and anyone who stoops that low doesn't belong in the same league as Tom Brady. For shame.