Random Thoughts

NORTH HUNTINGDON, Pa. - A former homecoming queen is facing a slew of charges Thursday, accused of attacking her sister with a prosthetic leg and then threatening to burn down a neighbor's home.  Not long after graduating from Norwin High School, drama began for Donna Sturkie-Anthony.  The ex-homecoming queen had two DUI convictions in Allegheny County in 1991. One was in Rankin, where police said she was so drunk she smeared her feces in the back of a police car.  Anthony married and moved away in the late 1990s. But when she returned, she was arrested another half dozen times by North Huntingdon police, most recently last month.  Police said Anthony's sister came to visit her at her Route 30 trailer, and the two started arguing about her alcohol abuse. Then, police said Anthony pulled off her sister's prosthetic leg and beat her with it. A month later, police said, Anthony stole her neighbor's telephone and then threatened to burn down their trailer if they testified against her. In another incident, police said Anthony threw ground meat at her neighbor before she threatened to kick his pregnant daughter in the stomach.

Ah the old homecoming queen gone bad story. It’s a tale as old as time itself.   One second you’re on top of the world dating the QB of the football team and the next second you’re living in a trailer park home, beating your sister with her prosthetic leg, smearing shit in the back of police care and throwing ground meat at your neighbors.   It’s a downfall that is as predictable as the changing of the seasons.   But no matter how many times I hear it, it still brings a tear to my eye.   Nothing hurts me more than seeing yet another homecoming queen falter under the pressure of trying to live up to that title as an adult.

PS – Memo to self.  Don’t fuck with this chick.   Because only the baddest of the bad beat somebody with prosthetic limbs, never mind their own sister.   Honestly is their anything more degrading than having somebody beat you with your own prosthetic leg?  How can it possibly get any worse than that?   Do me a favor and just punch me in the face or kick me in the balls.  But whatever you do don’t beat me with my own apendage. 

Introducing Jessica from Dedham.   Now I don’t know Jessica at all.  But despite this fact, I feel 100% comfortable declaring her the sexiest/most eligible single in Boston.   And it’s not even close.    She kind of reminds me of Jennifer Anniston in her prime only hotter.  This is the girl that if you are in my age bracket (30) that you stay up at night dreaming that you’ll meet at the supermarket or something.   Because you’ve pretty much given up that girls like this exist at bars.   In fact, I’m so confident guys would pay to meet this chick that I may raffle off a date with her on Ebay to finance the Stool for the next couple years.   I know at least 2 of my buddies who would put their entire salary on the line.   I wonder if I need Jessica’s permission for this?

Do you know a smokeshow? Are you a smokeshow? Are you friends with a smokeshow? Do your part and nominate their asses and convince them to do this. Send all nominations to randomthoughts@barstoolsports.com

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February 19th -- The board of New York City's Off- Track Betting Corp., the first legal off-site pari-mutuel wagering operation in the U.S., voted today to shut down the business at the urging of Mayor Michael Bloomberg.

Bloomberg, who controls the corporation's five-member board, said in November that the city is facing a $2.7 billion deficit in the coming fiscal year and couldn't afford to inject more money into OTB. He asked Chairman David Cornstein to draft a plan to shut it down.

OTB, which collects more than $1 billion in bets a year, is required by legislative mandates to compensate the racing industry based on gross revenue. In 2006, the business had a $125 million operating profit, yet had to pay the state's racing industry $98 million.

OTB was created by a referendum in 1963 to put private illegal bookies out of business and started operation in April 1971. It takes bets at about 70 locations throughout the city and via the Internet and telephone.

Say it ain't so... say it ain't so. See, when stuff like this happens, nobody thinks of the degenerates who won’t have a place to bet/sleep from 1 – 5:30 everyday.  Nobody thinks about the fathers, barely with enough money to put food on the table for their families, losing bet after bet, race after race, 365 days a year.  Who cries for them? This is easily their version of the day the music died. However after reading the article something just doesn’t smell right about this whole thing, and I’m not just talking about the bathrooms. 

OTB’s are a part of New York City just like the Empire State Building and the hookers at Hunt's Point Market. I'm no economist, but it doesn’t make much sense to me shutting down a cash cow like OTB which takes in $1 billion in bets per year. I mean clearly people aren’t winning there (see right) somebody has to be smart enough to figure out a way to keep it in business, right? What's Mitt Romney up to?

Anyway, my heart goes out to the NYC degenerates.  Maybe the city will be kind of enough to allow gambling at strip clubs, God knows these people need some place to hang out other than their homes.

BENTONVILLE, AR - Police arrested a Bentonville High School teacher Tuesday, saying she had sex with an 18-year old male student in late January. Melissa Gayle Monroe, 32, of 7 Largley Lane in Bella Vista was arrested Tuesday in connection with felony second-degree sexual assault. Monroe, a high school math teacher, has been suspended with pay and is no longer in the classroom. A second-degree sexual assault is a Class B felony punishable by five to 20 years in prison.

Under Arkansas law, it is a crime for a public school teacher to engage in sexual contact with a student younger than 21, according to the Bentonville Police Department news release. Another teacher went to police after receiving a text message from Monroe, Allen said. In the message, Monroe told the other teacher she made a mistake and "done something she couldn't believe she had done," Allen said.

My first reaction to this was surprise that Arkansas has any laws against teacher-student sex. Though you have to like the way they left the loophole in that if the student is over 21 they're fair game, since that probably accounts for half the high school student body in the Sooey State. My second reaction is that while it's good to see the Sex Scandal Teacher season finally heating up; it had gotten off to a slow start and I was starting to worry that maybe our nation's educators were starting to come to their senses. Thanks to the efforts of brave women like Melissa, our worst fears aren't being realized. Still, this was a lazy effort by her. 18 years old? What's that? Are there no 15 year olds taking math in Bentonville? Granted, the kid is probably a sophomore, but still. Her grades:

Looks: Not bad, really. Not "Barstool: Little Rock" Local Smokeshow material, but I'll wager she cleans up OK. Grade: B
Moral Compass/Bad Judgement: Loses points here for seducing a guy who's old enough to go fight terrorists. Grade: D
Intangibles: Gains points for putting her sexual indiscretion in writing to another teacher, who turned on her like Andy Pettitte on Roger Clemens. Plus Melissa Monroe is a fantastic porn star name. Grade: B+
Overall: We're really looking for something more salacious than sex with an 18 year old in your apartment. We have got to do better, people. Grade: C.

Nudar.com - NUDAR is "radar" for strip clubs and nudity.  Our goal is to locate every public place and event where you can find naked hotties across the globe - and we need your help! If you know of a place, person, or event that should be on the NUDAR, let us know at tips@nudar.com

Mother fucker.  I hate it when people invent ideas that I should have thought of first.   Nudar is freaking brilliant.    I would have killed for this back when I was an outside salesman.  I feel like I wasted half my life searching for the closest titty bar on the Merrit Parkway.   Now the only thing left to invent is Golfar.   Because if you can find the closest public golf course and the closets titty bar what else is their in life?   Mark my words that every salesman in America is going to have nudar on their GPS by the end of the year.  It’s an absolute no brainer.

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The Denver Nuggets are a pretty good team.  They've got Allen Iverson... a tough little bastard who defies logic as he darts through defenses and scores among the trees.  They've got Carmelo Anthony... a pure scorer who is much like Paul Pierce and can score from anywhere on the floor.  They've got Marcus Camby... a human eraser who was one block shy of a points/boards/blocks triple double.

And they're all bitches.

Not just those 3.  All of them.  Its almost as if the Nuggets are under orders to bitch about every non-call They either got fouls called (they took 49 free throws to the Celtics 28) or they bitched about not getting the call.  I've never seen a team take twice as many free throws as the other team and still complain about getting screwed (pictured: actual foul). 

Allen Iverson spends half his time running up and down the court looking like he smelled a 'post-binge drinking & fenway sausage' fart.  I actually saw him push off Rajon Rondo and then turn around looking for a call.

Come on Denver.. you're better than that.  Or... maybe you're not.  But you won last night... handing the C's their first lost of the year against a Western Conference team.  Here's hoping the C's take it out on Golden State tonight.

KG was rusty as hell after spending a few weeks away from running.  He admitted after the game to getting winded at the end.  Doc tried to preserve him for the end... and it almost worked.  Its just too bad that Ray Allen shot his wad at the All Star game (by the way... he got screwed of the MVP there). Ray scored 14 first quarter points... but then disappeared and only finished with 20.  Rajon Rondo was scoring a lot... but I'm not exactly thrilled with his 1 assist / 0 steals stat line. 

And once again... my man Leon Powe did a little work:  13 points and 11 rebounds in 21 minutes. 

Side note:  The luckiest man in America right now is Keith Van Horn.  Imagine sitting on your ass...retired for a year and a half..  and a team calls you out of the blue and says "hey... do you mind taking 4 and a half million bucks to spend a couple of month in New Jersey?"  Why the fuck should he get that much to do nothing?  That's why I'm proposing the "fan exemption"... let us fans get in on the act.  

John - RedsArmy.com

Jezebel.com - There's a website that allows you to anonymously send an e-card to the people you've slept with in order to alert them to the fact that you have an STD and that they should probably get tested. InSpot.org, which was created by the San Francisco Internet Sexuality Information Services, hopes to provide an easy and responsible solution for people who need to notify former (current?) partners that they may have been exposed to an STD.

Easy and responsible solution?  Okay I can live with the easy part, but how is sending somebody an ecard telling them that you gave them the Hep C responsible?    That’s the coward’s way out if you ask me.   That’s like dumping somebody via email.   At the very least have the guts to sleep with the person again and tell them face to face so they can hate fuck the shit out of you for a couple minutes.  I think you owe the victim that much don’t you?

Man this cop can’t catch a break can he?  First a bunch of punk skateboarders invade his space and now we find out he was attacked by a remote control box.   Plus he’s still driving that golf cart thing. No wonder he’s on edge.   I’m telling you it’s just a matter of time till this guy totally loses it and beats some teenage punk to death for looking at him the wrong way.

Australian News.com - A woman who said she was relentlessly taunted by colleagues because of chronic flatulence has lost her discrimination claim, an employment tribunal confirmed today. The woman, who cannot be named, claimed she was subjected to cruel jibes from staff at Leeds Metropolitan University because she suffered from severe irritable bowel syndrome. The Leeds tribunal heard how one colleague said: "She opens the window because she sits there and stinks the place out - we shouldn't have to put up with it."

She told the hearing colleagues would make sniffing noises and "bowel jokes" when she was in earshot. The woman complained about being harassed but disciplinary proceedings were started against her because of concerns over the quality of her work and increased sickness absences, the tribunal heard.

It's easy to make fun of a nation that has more Lords and Dukes than orthodontists, but sometimes you just have to hand it to the British. What are the odds this woman would've had her case dismissed if she lived in the States? Instead she would've not only gotten her job back... with back pay and damages... her co-workers would've been fired for violating the Americans with Disabilities Act, the other employees would have to go to Fart Sensitivity Training, the company would have to hire a full time Chronic-Flatulence Awareness Co-ordinator, the government would fine them under Affirmative Action for failure to hire enough Gassy-Americans, the ALCU would be suing for infringing her First Amendment right to play the Trouser Trumpet in the workplace, and she'd be at home collecting 100% on her Ass Whistle worker's comp claim.

At least the British judicial system gets something that this woman (and my wife for that matter) just doesn't seem to understand: that farts are never not funny.

Much more Paige here...

Who do you want to Wake Up with? Ub@barstoolsports.com