Foxnews.com - "Dirty Dancing" star Patrick Swayze was diagnosed in late January with pancreatic cancer that has spread to other organs and he has five weeks left to live, according to the National Enquirer.

Sad. So sad. This is especially painful for the entire staff of the Stool since we base our entire corporate culture on his 3 rules.

• One, never underestimate the other newspapers. Expect the unexpected.
• Two, take it outside. Never start anything inside the office unless it's absolutely necessary.
• And three, be nice...I want you to be nice until it's time to not be nice."
  

Man, where is Wade Garrett when you need him?