Random Thoughts

LOS ANGELES - A 42-year-old chimpanzee who is toilet-trained and can eat with a knife and fork is believed to be at large in a Southern California forest after escaping his cage.

The chimp called Moe disappeared Friday from Jungle Exotics, which trains animals for the entertainment industry. The chimp wandered into a house next door, surprising construction workers who saw him head for a nearby mountain. A weekend search in the San Bernardino National Forest 50 miles east of Los Angeles came up empty.

St. James Davis brought Moe home from Tanzania in 1967 after the baby primate lost his mother to poachers. He and his wife treated Moe as their surrogate son, toilet-training him, teaching him to eat with a knife and fork and letting him sleep in their bed and watch TV... The chimps nearly killed St. James Davis, chewing off his nose, testicles and foot and biting off chunks of his buttocks and legs.

I'd love to say something like "This is no time to panic" but in reality, this is the perfect time to panic. I've been anticipating this day. When a smart ape would escape into the wild and lead the revolution against the humans. Chimps and homo sapiens share 99% of our DNA. Until now, the only thing that separated us was our ability to eat with a knife and fork, use a toilet and watch TV. It's only a matter of time before Moe passes that knowledge along to other chimps. Then people like me, who's only abilties are eating, taking dumps and watching TV will become expendable. And before you know it no worthless incompetent human will be safe and we'll have cheap monkey labor running the Globe sports page, the Bruins front office and Barstool Sports. Thanks for destroying the world, Jungle Exotics. I hope Moe comes back and bites off the rest of your testicles.

What do you do when you're headed to a party that features bowling, music, hot girls and a bunch of your degenerate peers drinking and swearing their asses off? You post clips featuring the same from the entire catalogue of great bowling movies. OK, both great bowling movies. Then maybe as a bonus you throw in an old blog listing the five best TV bowlers of all time.

See you at King's.

(NSFW, language):

Once again we've had a drastic slowdown in Smokeshow Nominations. Once we get some more quality submissions we'll return to business as usual. Until then enjoy this video. Send all nominations to randomthoughts@barstoolsports.com

I got to be honest.  I’m getting a kick out of all this Devil Ray talk.  It’s fucking hilarious!   I love how the city of Tampa is suddenly talking trash about us like they are somehow our rival now. It's so cute I could just squeeze them to pieces. I mean nobody really thinks the Drays are going to be anywhere near 1^st place come September do they?  Listen if the Drays are within 5 games of the Sox at the end of the seasons I’ll get a TB tattoo on arm.  Remember people this is Tampa Bay we’re talking about.   Anybody who thinks the Sox and Yankees aren’t finishing 1-2 in this division should have their head examined.     The only reason people are talking about them is because it’s the middle of the summer and there is nothing else going on.   Even the Devil Ray players and fans know deep down in places they don’t talk about at parties that they have no shot.    They're just thankful we even let them play on the same field as us.  So go ahead Tampa and sweep us.  Knock yourself out.   Because no matter what the deal is at the All Star break you have no chance of making the playoffs.   You know it. We know it. Everybody knows it. You’ll always be the team that we brawl with a couple times a season and who threw at Brian Daubach’s head 74 times in one game and nothing more.  

Anyway rate how many games the Devil Rays will be behind us at the end of the season. 10 is 10+

Click Here For the Answer

FALMOUTH – A 14-year-old boy was arrested yesterday after he pushed a senior citizen off a dock because he “thought it would be funny,” police said.  The North Falmouth teen – whose name was not released because he is a juvenile – was at Megansett Beach when the 2:20 p.m. incident occurred. Police said the boy ran up behind the 71-year-old victim, who was fishing off the dock with his grandson, and pushed him off the dock and into the ocean.The man suffered lacerations to both knees and lost his prescription glasses, police said. Although the boy fled into the woods by the Talk of the Town Diner, several people at the beach knew his identity and immediately called police.Once arrested, the boy was allowed to make one phone call. Police said he chose to call a friend to “brag and laugh” about what he had done. police said.

Let me state this loud and clear.   This kid deserves to get the chair.    I mean if you’re going to push an old dude into the sea and then brag about it afterwords you are a total scumbag and it’s only a matter of time until you kill somebody just for kicks.  But having said that nobody is going to tell me that this isn’t funny either.    Because I know for a fact that if I saw this go down I’d still be laughing about it right now.  If that makes me an asshole than so be it. 

PS – I may not know much about fleeing the scene of a crime but I do know you’re going to get bagged 9 out of 10 times when you run past “The Talk of the Town Diner”

5-4-3-2-1.....Time To Go Postal!

(Thanks to Matt who took this from his Balcony in Southie)

You think she gets to go on the Duck Boats?

El Prez put in the call to me that we needed a huge crowd tonight because the bigwigs from Corona are going to be there watching our every move. And if we don't have a huge turnout they'll probably pull their contract and they'll be massive layoffs at the Stool and the Blog may be shut down. So like a true champion I'm stepped foward to rescue us. Just to spice things up for tonight’s 2nd Annual Barstool Beach Bowl (not that it needs it), I’m offering up a $50 cash prize for anyone, Smokeshow or otherwise, who can beat me in bowling.  That’s right, $50 of my hard earned money will be on the line in stone cold cash.  Here’ the catch though - if and when I beat you, you have to pay me $1 for each pin I win by.  So if I win 202-47, you owe me $155.  If I win 300-29, you owe $271, etc. See, this is to prevent any old loser who thinks he’s a real bowler from entering the competition.  The only exception is if you’re a professional bowler you’re not allowed to compete. Walter Ray Williams Jr. ain’t walking through that door….

(Arod is Banging this shit)

US weekly - Us Weekly reports in its new issue, on newsstands tomorrow, that Madonna's seven-year marriage to Guy Ritchie has stalled out – and the singer has been hosting late-night visits from New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez at her Central Park West apartment in New York City. A ringless and grim-faced Ritchie, 39, arrived in New York City from London yesterday after several weeks apart from his family. A source tells Us that the $28-million-a-year Rodriguez, 32, has made numerous solo nighttime visits to Madonna, 49, at her spacious home and would sneak out "as late as midnight." Says the source, "All the doormen are talking." Rodriguez, married with two young daughters, has already faced speculation about cheating: In 2007, he and a stripper were reportedly spied in Toronto, Miami and Dallas.

Arod and Madonna?   Gross!    The only explanation is that he’s doing this just to try and one up Jeter.    Jeter nails Jessica Biel, Jessica Alba and Minka Kelly and Arod responds with Madonna.  But in typical Arod fashion he’s a day late and a dollar short.    Do me a favor Arod and bang Madonna when she was still borderline hot.   Not when she’s some old bag with old bag muscles.    The best part is that you know he’s going around the clubhouse whispering to everybody “Hey I’m banging Madonna, but don’t tell anybody” as he leaks it to everybody from the NY Post to the Ball Boy.   Poor Arod.  Guy can’t even fuck right.

PS – I guess now is as good a time as any to unveil our new Arod shirt.

Bostonherald.com - The NBA-champion Celtics[ team stats] spread their winning karma all over a pseudo stripper in Vegas, helping the Somerville homegal win a pole-dancing competition at the Strip hotspot Bank! MVP Paul Pierce [ stats], along with Ray Allen, Sam Cassell, James Posey, Rajon Rondo [ stats] and Kendrick Perkins [ stats], cheered Danielle Rueda-Watts on to the $10,000 grand prize over the weekend by whooping and hollering for the pole princess from their perch in the Bellagio club’s VIP booth. Danielle, 26, reports she’s not a professional exotic dancer, although she does have a pole in her house. She studied aerial acrobatics in Canada and moved to Vegas for a role in Cirque de Soleil’s “Zumanity.” “I’m not really a pole dancer, just an acrobat who’s sexy,” she told our spywitness.The Mass. College of Art grad said she’s also not a big sports fan, but thought it was “pretty cool” that the Celts were in da house rooting her on to her “Pole-a-palooza” victory.

I know I’m starting to sound like a broken record with all these Boston dominates the world blogs, but I don’t care.  It never gets old.  Every fucking day we win a new world championship.   No wonder the rest of the world hates us.   Baseball, football, basketball, paper rock scissors, cup stacking and now Pole a Palooza.  The list goes on and on and on.    When you look up momentum in the dictionary there must be a picture of Boston right?    I mean the world has just been crushed in an avalanche of Masshole Domination.    We’ll beat you on the field.  We’ll beat you on the courts, we’ll beat you in the strip clubs.   That’s just how we roll.    

PS – I got a feeling the old “I have a pole in my bedroom because I’m practicing for Cirque de Soleil" is going to be the new excuse de jour for strippers.    Forget the I’m grinding my ass into your cock so I can put myself through college bullshit.  This is much better.

Double PS – Free shirt to the first person who sends us multiple pictures of Danielle Rueda Watts.

Triple PS (unprecedented) - How much pussy do you think these guys are getting in Vegas. Even Sam Cassell is probably mowing em down.

These "Dimitri the Stud" voicemails have been burning up the web the last couple days. I purposely haven't posted them yet because I think they are fake. I mean how the fuck am I supposed to believe that somebody as elegant as Olga wouldn't call Dimitri back? It's not only unconsciounable, but it's flat out impossible! Therefore I think it has to be fake. But I figured I'd let the Stoolies hear it and decide for themselves. Here is the complete transcript:

Message 1

Hey Olga, it's Dimitri.

Sorry I had to leave such a rushed message with you when we met the other day. I just wanted to quickly give you my phone number, and needed to get the heck out of the area. In any event, I thought I had better leave you a more detailed message and explain why I approached you. I am single. I have no trouble meeting women; I mean, women approach me six or seven times a day. But I'm extremely particular about what I like. You're an extremely elegant woman. I couldn't take my eyes off you, and your friends were very jealous — even if they say they weren't, they were envious of the fact that I approached you, and I was very taken by you. Elegant women are very rare. I'm Greek and I'm extremely particular about what I like. So I'm giving you an opportunity here. I don't know if you picked up the message on the weekend but I'm working on a movie script so I'll be doing that all weekend…

This looks like a land line, and if it is you may not get the message till Monday. But when you do, call me and we'll get together for coffee or drinks, and let the romance begin. You looked very taken aback by my approach, and I hope that wasn't timidness, I hope it was just shock at being approached so directly. Because I don't really date timid women, because I'm a very direct, very passionate, very assertive man, and I want a woman who is very independent and strong. So… we'll talk about that, but I just wanted to formally introduce myself. I leave the ball in your court. You call me as soon as you have the courage to. Okay, Olga? Talk to you soon, bye.

Message 2:

Hi there, Olga it's Dimitri calling again, the guy from the street. I left you a message several days ago you said you were interested. Now, here's the way I work. I don't like leaving second messages but I like you, you're a very elegant woman, you're very attractive, but, you know, I don't play that game. I know your friends tell you not to return calls; you're playing games like you see in stupid TV shows. So here's how it's gonna work. It is now 4:30 on Wednesday. Now I'll assume, I'll assume that you've already left work, because, you know, some people leave work early, so I'll grant you that. But if I don't receive a phone call back from you by 3 o'clock Thursday afternoon I'm no longer interested and I'm going to erase your number. I don't play games like that. I'm completely single, I'm very intelligent, I'm great in bed, I make great money. Believe it or not, I'm a complete catch. I've only been single four months; I had a long distance relationship for about a year, it's very tough to maintain it like that; there's nothing wrong with me. As a matter of fact I'm one of the few men in the city that has nothing wrong with him. So I'm giving you the three o'clock deadline. If I don't hear from you by then, you lose my number — I'm erasing your number right now, so you won't be hearing back from me.

So that's it: three o'clock tomorrow, or you can just completely forget it.

Now I understand if you've got other issues, maybe you're not playing games, I don't know… maybe you were abused in childhood?…Maybe your mother has cancer, and you're going to chemo…maybe you're just a person who's extremely frightened or has an anxiety disorder, maybe you're on some medication for that…I don't know, there could be another issue that I'm not aware of. But nobody says "Call me," hands a person a business card and then doesn't return calls. It's extremely passive aggressive. You should actually look that up, passive-aggressive personality disorder. You let me know, if you've got issues, psychological issues, if you're on any sort of medication for anxiety or depression, I'm not interested. But if you're psychologically normal, and you haven't called me because there's been some horrible thing that's happened in your life that's prevented you from returning my calls, that's fine. But otherwise? Don't call me. Okay, bye.

 

Vote 1 for real and 10 for fake

Reader Email

So me and 14 other people rented out some million dollar house down on Cape Cod this weekend and here is this ladies reaction to walking back into the house....the funny thing is we thought we left it clean and had no problems. Still must of been to drunk to notice the next morning. This letter pretty much sums up the week.

Okay here is the million dollar question.   Was the guy who got punked within his rights to start a fight?    Personally I think it all depends on his relationship with the guy who pushed away the table.   If that was one of his buddies then he just needs to tip his cap and move on.  I mean it’s just understood that shit happens when you’re trying to win 20 bucks at a house party.   But if it was a stranger than he has every right to come up swinging and I think that’s exactly what happened here.   That's the only explanation I can come up with. And I’m thinking the dude who came out of nowhere throwing fives was probably a friend of the kid who got his face mashed in which is totally justifiable.

With the Beach Bowl tonight, why not start off with a shot of Leticia in a bikini...bowling...She's the one in the middle. Here's another shot, just in case the cans didn't tip you off. See you tonight at KINGS for Barstool Beach Bowl II: The Story Continues...

Oh and more Leticia here...

MANSFIELD (WBZ) ― Patriots defensive back Willie Andrews has been arrested for allegedly pointing a gun at his girlfriend's head. Mansfield police say they received a call around 1:30 a.m. Saturday morning from a woman who said her boyfriend, 24-year-old Willie Andrews, had pointed a gun at her temple during an argument. The girlfriend left the house and sought shelter in a hotel, according to police. When officers arrived at the hotel, they found Andrews allegedly talking to his girlfriend. Andrews drove off when he saw the police cruisers show up. According to police, officers returned to Andrews' home on 10 Connors Ave. and placed him under arrest for assault by means of a dangerous weapon and unlawful possession of a firearm. Police say they found a .45-caliber, believed to be Andrews', near a dumpster.

I guess there's many ways to look at this story, depending on your point-of-view:

• If you're a fan of Willie Andrews, it isn't good. With Eugene Wilson gone, Andrews had a chance to step up and play more this season. But this incident, coming off his arrest for possession of marijuana a couple of days after the Super Bowl, probably doesn't help his chances of earning a long term contract with a giant signing bonus. Especially since part of the terms of his probation in the pot deal was that if he didn't get into any more trouble, the offense would be taken off his record. I'm no attorney, but I'm fairly certain getting popped for putting a gun to a girls head meets the legal definition of "trouble."
• If you're a fan of the Patriots, you probably can shrug this off. Andrews was a key contributor on Special Teams and saw some snaps behind Rodney Harrison, James Sanders and Wilson, mainly in subpackages. But with the addition Tank Williams and the encouraging progression of Brandon Merriweather... not to mention the drafting of Mathew Slater as an all purpose Special Teams ace... Makes Willie expendable. This isn't exactly like Brady putting a Glock to Gisele's flawless temple.
• Lastly if you're a fan of irony, you're in luck. Andrews' main contributions last season were on kick coverage units. As a "Gunner."

Granted, Bill Belichick's true genius is in not letting incidents like this become a distraction to the team, but Willie Andrews isn't exactly Manny and Assault with a Dangerous Weapon isn't exactly pushing a travelling secretary. I'd put the odds of Andrews returning to the Pats at 4-1, unless someone puts a gun to Myra Kraft's head, too.