Hello John,

Regarding the damage deposit:

Did anyone actually check the condition of the lighthouse cottage before you all left? If so, I would like a description from someone in your party as to what he/she thought it looked like. I am particularly interested in whose idea of decor is wads of (used) chewing gum stuck on the floors, chairs, bedding and stairs; multicoloured raw pasta covering the floor and ground into the rugs in the downstairs bedroom together with clothing and towels covered in vomitus and feces left lying all over the floor.

Windows left open, airconditioners left on.

Was it entirely necessary to saturate the front hall rug in the large house and most of the bedding, including dust ruffles, duvets and mattress pads with beer? And to leave cigarettes outside to burn down in the grass, and grind some out in the wood of the deck?? And to dispose of the trash in such a way as to have beer leak all over the garage? Some towels found in the lighthouse cottage had to be disposed of due to the condition in which they were discovered.

And could you please tell me where the controls are for the tv's in the lighthouse, the pink bedroom and the master bedroom? And where is the telephone from the lighthouse sitting room? And where are the fishing rods and the tackle - and the paddleboat? Where is the antenna for the Sharp 3-disc changer in the bedroom of the lighthouse, and where are the video game controls?

Six people worked from 11 a.m. to 5 p.m. cleaning both houses, and I am personally still doing laundry - I am down to about 5 loads now, mostly the blankets and matlasse bed coverings.

I have photographs, and witnesses, and will be calculating the amount of damage and overtime charges for cleaning and professional cleaning of the blue club chair from the lighthouse cottage, the front hall rug in the big house and repair of the controls lid of the Jacuzzi (where someone obviously stood, sat or jumped on it) and replacement of the Sharp stereo and the missing controls.

Also, I will be charging you for my time and mileage in needing to come over to the house on Wednsday, twice, once on Thursday and once on Friday to make sure that the neighbourhood was not being subjected to further disturbance.

It is very unfortunate that some members of your group spoiled everything for the rest of you - and I suggest you look to them - you should know who they are, to make up the damage deposit.

Had you been forthright with me when we first discussed the nature of your party and that of the neighbourhood in which the rental house is located, you could have changed your venue, and none of this need have occurred.

Lynda H.

Okay I obviously don’t know John or Lynda from a hole in the wall.  But I got to be honest here.  I’m not feeling that bad for Lynda.   I mean anytime you rent your Cape House to a bunch of dudes ages 21-35 for the week aren't you just looking for trouble? Shouldn't you be better be prepared to find “used chewing gum on the floors, cigarettes burning on the lawn, fishing rods in peoples asses, paddle boats in Guatemala, and towels covered in vomitus".   Because FYI, guys don’t pool their money together to rent a house on the cape unless they plan on tearing some shit up.     Lynda should have seen this coming a mile away.   But just to make sure this doesn’t happen again I have some free advice for her.   From now on when interviewing prospective renters just ask them if they read the Stool.  If they say yes then gently take a red pen and cross them off the list because our guys aren’t the type of people you want renting your cape house.    If they say they read Stuff at Night or the Improper then you know you got some real pussies on your hands that won’t hurt a fly.