LOS ANGELES - A 42-year-old chimpanzee who is toilet-trained and can eat with a knife and fork is believed to be at large in a Southern California forest after escaping his cage.

The chimp called Moe disappeared Friday from Jungle Exotics, which trains animals for the entertainment industry. The chimp wandered into a house next door, surprising construction workers who saw him head for a nearby mountain. A weekend search in the San Bernardino National Forest 50 miles east of Los Angeles came up empty.

St. James Davis brought Moe home from Tanzania in 1967 after the baby primate lost his mother to poachers. He and his wife treated Moe as their surrogate son, toilet-training him, teaching him to eat with a knife and fork and letting him sleep in their bed and watch TV... The chimps nearly killed St. James Davis, chewing off his nose, testicles and foot and biting off chunks of his buttocks and legs.

I'd love to say something like "This is no time to panic" but in reality, this is the perfect time to panic. I've been anticipating this day. When a smart ape would escape into the wild and lead the revolution against the humans. Chimps and homo sapiens share 99% of our DNA. Until now, the only thing that separated us was our ability to eat with a knife and fork, use a toilet and watch TV. It's only a matter of time before Moe passes that knowledge along to other chimps. Then people like me, who's only abilties are eating, taking dumps and watching TV will become expendable. And before you know it no worthless incompetent human will be safe and we'll have cheap monkey labor running the Globe sports page, the Bruins front office and Barstool Sports. Thanks for destroying the world, Jungle Exotics. I hope Moe comes back and bites off the rest of your testicles.