I'm heading to the Cape this afternoon to meet my Lovely Trophy Wife and the Heirs to My Dominion at the Country Club my in-laws belong to for their annual fireworks cookout and I have a moral dilemma I need help with.

For starters, this is not the easiest night for me. You can't swing a dead cat at this place without hitting a bazillionaire and I basically spend the evening hoping no one will ask me what I do for a living because there's no way to explain to these people I tell jokes in barrooms and write for a sportsmut web site. So I drink as much as possible to get through it.

The problem is, at these private snobatoriums, no money changes hands. If you want a beer, you have to charge it to the member you're a guest of. Sure I could drink up a storm and pay nothing, but I don't want my judgmental, haughty, emotionally-constipated mother-in-law to get stuck with a tab for my two dozen Harpoons at $8 a pop. It's not worth it.

Last year at this thing, I bumped into my cousin who's a member and a self-made multimillionaire. He's older than me and he and my older brothers grew up together in Dorchester. He asked me what's new with the family and I was telling him about how my brother just had a brain tumor removed. And ten seconds after I told him this, he completely tuned me out. He put on the 1000 yard stare and was looking around the grounds of the club, ignoring me. While I was telling him about my brother, his cousin, his boyhood pal, having brain surgery. So I said goodbye to him and his entourage, went to the bar and ordered a beer, a JD and a zinfandel for my Irish Rose. So the bartender says "And the name on the account?" and I said, "Charge it to [my cousin's name]" and proceeded to get bleepfaced on his nickel all night long.

I have to feel like I was on the side of the angels in this case. Was I? And more to the point, should I be mad enough to do it again tonight? Would it make a difference if I told you this same cousin once plagarized my entire wedding toast and delivered it verbatim at his brother's wedding a week later? Vote "1" for don't mooch and "10" for stick it to the man.