Random Thoughts

Ha, you got to feel for this guy. There is nothing like getting caught in a bad lie. I mean once you pull out the old fake heart attack in court routine there is no going back. You just got to ride this shit out till the bitter end. I mean the judge could have told this guy that she was dumping a pack of red ants on his dick and he wasn't moving. You live by the sword you die by the sword. It's like Costanza going to his house in the Hamptons. "You want to get nuts, let's get nuts!

UPDATE - Dude got 43 years in prison. Probably would have gotten community service if it weren't for the fake heart attack stunt.

Introducing Cahley from Milton. If I've said it once I've said it a million times. Chicks who show their stomachs in public without any regard for human life know that their hot and love smashing it in your face. And Cahely is hot. How could she not be with a name like that?

We don't want smokeshows. We need em! It's time to reward the hot for being hot. Send all nominations to randomthoughts@barstoolsports.com

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OMAHA, Neb. - Making the team isn’t enough. It can’t be for Dara Torres. Not when her 41-year-old body keeps setting American standards that no one, not even those 20 years younger, can match. Torres, a Parkland, Fla., resident and member of the Coral Springs Swim Club, made the U.S. team in her favorite event, the 50-meter freestyle, in an American-record time of 24.25 seconds Sunday night. It’s the third time she has set the record in the past two days

Click here to see more of Torres...

It takes a lot for me to feign interest in Olympic Swimming, and after careful consideration I've decided that a 41 year old hot MILF with 0% body fat and abs you could scrub laundry on not only making the team, but setting records in the process... well, that's a lot. Still I'm kind of torn on this chick. On the one hand, I don't normally gravitate to muscular women. On the other hand, did I mention she's a 41 year old mother? On the other other hand, no guy in her age group, which I am, needs to see his own bloated, flabby beer gut next to Dara's body which looks like you could snap a 2X4 on it. Still, grading on the curve against other hot moms, I've got to give her a solid 6.5 or a 7.

Let me start by saying I like the UFC and I like Forrest Griffin.  I appreciate how he enters the octagon to Shipping Off To Boston to try and get our championship mojo to rub off on him.   And I still maintain that his fight against Matt Bonner at the end of the first season of the Ultimate Fighter was one of the best fights I’ve ever seen in my life.   But having said that I do think the UFC has a major and I mean major problem.   It appears that nobody is good enough to remain champion.   I’m not sure whether it’s just the nature of a sport where anybody can lose on a fluke submission hold or the fact that everybody is almost equal in ability.    But whatever the case may be the UFC needs a champion that can reign longer than a couple months.    They need somebody who can keep the title long enough so they can become a household name.   Because parity just doesn’t work in fighting sports like the UFC and Boxing.  It’s the Mike Tyson factor if you will.    You need somebody who everybody wants to see and who can build hype in each fight.   But if no champion can defend the belt for more than a couple fights it’s impossible to get the crossover fans and it takes away from the sport.   Right now I would say this is the UFC’s #1 problem in truly crossing over into a mainstream sport.  They need a superstar.  Maybe Forrest Griffin is it, but I doubt it.

Reader Email

"This kid at the game last night had a boston hat on & a yankees jersey, not to mention hanging out on the celly. To make it worse, it was a randy johnson jersey. Is this ok?"

In all my years of living I'm not sure I've ever seen anything quite like this. I mean what the fuck? Honestly what the fuck? How is this even possible? If my kid tried to walk out of the house like this I would backhand him so fast that Manzo would wake up dizzy. I mean wearing a Red Sox hat and a Yankees shirt to Yankee Stadium? Not on my watch! I know it sounds drastic but I think this kid should be put in a foster home. Clearly his parents aren't fit to raise this child or any child for that matter. Hey kid put down the cell phone, you're missing a great life.

BUCHAREST, Romania - A court has ordered a Romanian surgeon to pay $795,000 in compensation to a patient whose penis he accidentally severed during an operation. In July 2004, Dr. Naum Ciomu made a surgical error while operating on the man's testicles, severing the penis instead of making an incision to the testicle. The Bucharest Magistrates Court ruled Friday that Ciomu had been "superficial" in his approach to the operation, ordered the fine and handed Ciomu a one-year suspended prison sentence.

A piece of muscle from the man's arm has now been attached to where his penis was, but its function is aesthetic. "You don't have to be an expert to realize that the 33-year-old victim does not have a good state of mind," said Mihai Olariu, the victim's lawyer.

For starters, let's retire the Understatement of the Year award and hand the trophy to Attorney Olariu right now. On the subject of the importance of the penis, I (along with every other man on Earth) do think of myself as an expert, and yeah I wouldn't describe his clients state of mind with the word "good" either. Especially after the BMC used the word "superficial" in connection to my John Thomas being lopped off. Talk about adding insult to injury.

But how could the court possible attach a sum like $795,000 to the loss of a guy's schlong? The only way I'd understand it is if judges are all card-carrying members of the Bucharest chapter of NOW, because even a penis loving woman would consider this a paltry amount. I mean, how's a guy supposed to replace his Wife's Best Friend with chump change like this?

Here's what you can get for $795,000:

• A two-bedroom condo in the South End.
• A 52-foot yacht
• Four front row season tickets to the new Yankee Stadium (actually you'd still be 13 grand shy)
• A starter home in Hingham
• Sean Casey.

Nothing against Sean Casey, who's having a good season. But I wouldn't trade my Twig & Berries for him. Or anything else $795K could buy me. So maybe it's just the principle of the thing. Because the court could award you a billion dollars, but what's the point of being a billionaire if your penis is made up of "aesthetic" arm muscles?

Reader Email: 

For this 4^th of July I wanted to do something special with my wife.   So I booked two tickets on the Odyssey for their Fireworks Dinner Cruise.  It was 200 bucks per person.   But I figured what the hell.   It would be worth it.  Boy was I wrong!   It was the biggest rip off in the history of mankind.   Not only did the food suck, but we couldn’t even see the fireworks!  Let me repeat.  For the 200 hundred Dollar Odyssey Firework Dinner Cruise you couldn’t fucking see the fireworks!   They parked the fucking ship behind a building which made a ton of sense.    So while everybody else was enjoying what I’m sure was a great show my wife and I sat staring a building and immersed in a cloud of smoke.    Everybody on the ship was stunned.  It was almost surreal.   And the worst part was that Odyssey didn’t apologize or offer to reimburse any of the passengers.  It’s almost like they pull this scam every year and laugh their way to the bank.  I was so pissed I didn’t know where else to turn.   I figured I’d drop you a line just so you could expose these con artists and hopefully prevent anybody else for falling for this scam.

-Bill

This story is so outrageous it’s almost hard to believe.   I mean no fireworks on a firework cruise?  How the fuck is that possible?   For 400 bucks I want the fireworks exploding up my ass.   Now I’ve never been on the Odyssey before, but if this story is true they owe everybody a full refund.  And none of this you can take free cruise bullshit either.    You signed up for a romantic 4^th of July Firework cruise.  Either recreate the Boston Fireworks or give me the money back.  That’s the only fair solution.

PS - I feel like Pie Man with these truth and justice blogs.

MIAMI - Alex Rodriguez's heartbroken wife Cynthia believes her hubby has been "brainwashed" by kabbalah-pushing pop icon Madonna and lured away from his family, an A-Rod confidant said.  In a bombshell interview with The Post, Dodd Romero — Rodriguez's former trainer and godfather to his two daughters who spent last week in Paris with Cynthia Rodriguez — said he and C-Rod believe the Yankee superstar has been gradually drawn away by Madonna's allure.  "Alex, God bless him, is lost," A-Rod's ex-pal lamented. "I think he got pulled in by the dark side, if you can say that nicely. He's totally brainwashed." "He'd be in the gym and if a Madonna video would come on, he'd go into a trance," Romero said.  And when A-Rod is driving in his car, he'll only listen to Madonna music, the trainer said.

First of all I love how the NY Post calls Cynthia Rodriguez C-Rod. I always do a double take when I read that and am like who the fuck are they talking about? Second of all this story isn't remotely surprising to me. I mean Arod just strikes me as somebody who would be susceptible to being brainwashed. He just has such low self confidence. It was probably a race between Madonna and Tom Cruise to see who could get to him first. Madonna flashed the pussy and it was game, set, match. Anyway I’ve said a lot of bad things in the past about the Red Sox ownership group and specifically the one eyed bandit, Larry Lucchino.    But I promise I will never criticize them again or say anything even remotely negative if they play “Material Girl” or “Like A Virgin” every time Arod comes up to the plate in a couple weeks at Fenway.   I don’t want this to happen.  It HAS to happen!   John Henry always wants to act so hip and funny and bang chicks half his age, well this is his chance.      I have ZERO confidence that they will get this done, but it’s a once and a lifetime type of opportunity.   As a side note I totally wish this story broke before I printed up our Mr. July Arod shirts.    “Material Girl” shirts would have been way cooler.

PS – Speaking of the Sox why is Joba Chamberlain allowed to throw at Youk whenever he wants?   He should have 100% been kicked out of last nights game.   There is no way that was an accident.  You have to know the history there.    Joba can’t get Youk out so he throws at him.   Total pussy move.

Click Her For The Answer

(float appears at 2:20 mark)

Bostonherald.com - A“repugnant” Fourth of July parade spoofing Gloucester’s teen baby mama drama has touched off a class war on the North Shore between toney Beverly Farms and their working-class neighbors in the nearby fishing village. Allowing insulting floats in the annual Beverly Farms Horribles parade - including one tossing condoms with candy - has taken the baby bump to a new low, said Gloucester Mayor Carolyn Kirk. “I’m deeply offended, and there but for the grace of God go your daughter or daughters in any community,” said Kirk when told of the salacious satire. Even after three Beverly Farms judges walked off, the July 4th pregnancy-pocked parade marched on with men in diapers crawling from between a woman’s legs propped in birthing stirrups and a giant phallus sprayed the crowd as parents and their tots were confronted with signs like, “GHS Girls Went to Band Camps, Came Back Pregnant Tramps.” Kirk said she won’t waste her time seeking an apology from Beverly Farms, but said, “It basically triggers a class war between this well-to-do enclave and a working-class city.” Beverly Mayor William F. Scanlon Jr. refused to get involved because the parade is not a city-sponsored happening, but conceded, “It’s a horrible story.” Gloucester activist Leslie Sarofeen called Beverly Farms’ attempt at humor “disgusting.”  “I’ve been involved with this for 40 something years, but I won’t be a judge again,” Gail Townsend told the Herald yesterday.“I get it, it’s a Horribles Parade, but it was overkill with the Gloucester pregnancies,” said Townsend. “The thing that upset us more than anything was they were throwing condoms. There were 5- and 6-year-old kids picking them up and saying, ‘What kind of candy is this?’ ” Maura Curran, who abruptly “retired” as a Horribles Parade judge, said, “I just felt it was a little too horrible for a family event. They needed to be a little more discreet. Lines were crossed.”

First things first.  This has to be the worst Horribles parade in the history of Horribles parades.   Granted I only watched the first 3 minutes of this youtube, but the pregnancy float was the only redeeming float in the parade.    Other than that it just looked like your typical small town shindig where kids ride bikes and other lame shit like that.   So let’s clarify this.  Is this a Horribles parade or not?  Because if it is then the Pregnancy float is not only acceptable but it’s awesome.    And who gives a fuck if they are throwing condoms into the crowd or making fun of Gloucester.  Hey newsflashGloucester;   the pregnancy thing was in Time Magazine and splashed across every newspaper in the country.   A think it’s a little late to say you don’t want people making fun of it don’t you?   And more importantly complaining that a float is too obscene in a Horribles Parade is like complaining about seeing Gays at the Gay Pride Parade.    Listen, nobody is putting a gun to anybody’s head to attend this thing.   But it is a Horribles Parade and that means the Pregnancy float shouldn’t have been the exception, but rather the rule.   If anybody should be ashamed of themselves it’s all the other bullshit floats that were in the parade.

PS – Something tells me most of Gloucester could give a shit less about this story.  I mean they are the home of the 4^th of July Greasy Pole Competition.

In all the years of doing Barstool Sports this story may be one of the most bizarre ones we’ve ever had.   As everybody probably knows by now whenever we throw a party we ask our readers to RSVP for it.  Well for the Beach Bowl we had some kid who kept sending emails like this;

“Tell El Prez The Bull will be there and is excited to meet him”

 or

“Get Ready for the Bull”

I kept seeing these things thinking to myself who the fuck is the bull and is this guy nuts?    Anyway I kind of forgot about “The Bull” until I was at the party and some kid wearing a Hawaiian shirt and safari hat that had two palm trees coming out of it comes up to me and asks if I’m El Prez.    When I say yes he introduces himself as "The Bull".   Did I mention he was actually carrying a bull with him?  So we talk for a couple minutes and then he asks me if I want to hold the bull.   Since I was always taught it’s rude not to hold somebody’s bull when they ask you to, I said sure.  The guy went on to explain how he started a blog called bullarky and how he was trying to make the bull world famous.  In fact he already had a couple signatures on it like Maria Stephanos and Steve Burton.    Weird right?   Well an hour later I see this guy leaving the party with his head down.   Apparently somebody stole his fucking bull!   I don’t even know how that happens, but whoever did it might as well have just ripped this kid’s heart through his chest.    I mean I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried.  I actually thought I got roofied for a second and made the whole thing up.    But the Bull emailed me the next day and asked me to tell everybody of his plight. So f you took this kid’s bull he’d love it back.  Something tells me it means more to him than you.

(no more handjobs in public for you!)

Stuff.com - Transformers star Megan Fox has reportedly called off her engagement to former Beverly Hills 90210 actor Brian Austin Green. The 22-year-old actress is said to have ended her four-year relationship with the 34-year-old because she feels too young to settle down. A source close to Fox said: "Megan still cares about Brian, but she now realises she's too young to marry him." She reportedly notified her friends and business associates of the news last week. Megan - who was voted World's Sexiest Woman by British magazine FHM earlier this year - has previously spoken about her high sex drive. She said: "I really enjoy having sex, and that's offensive to some people. I'm young and have a lot of hormones - I'm always in the mood!

One day you’re getting hand jobs in public from the hottest chick/nympho on the planet and the next day she’s dumping your ass and calling all her “business associates” to tell them she’s back in the game.   Cruel fucking world.   Frankly I don’t even know how you move on from something like this.  I mean if Megan Fox dumped my ass I’d kill myself so fast you wouldn’t even know what happened.     Do you think Brian Austin Green regrets dating her?    I know it sounds crazy but if he never banged her in the first place he’d never know what he was missing.  Instead now she’ll probably haunt his dreams for the rest of his life.    It’s the age old question whether it’s better to have fucked and lost then never to have fucked at all.

Bostonherald.com - A 20-year-old man was arrested Friday night for allegedly attacking a New York Yankees fan with a baseball bat after a Fourth of July fireworks display in Falmouth. According to police, officers responded to 153 Worcester Court after receiving a report about a fight in progress. On arrival, officers noticed several youths, including Robert Donald Correia of Falmouth, bothering a family in its car because the vehicle had New York license plates. Police said Correia and others accused the family of being Yankees fans. The family was unable to move the vehicle because of heavy traffic while leaving the event. The unidentified father in the car asked the youths to stop because children were present. Police said that was when Correia and others allegedly attacked him with a baseball bat, resulting in a head injury. The victim’s car was also vandalized, according to police. Correia was charged with assault and battery with a dangerous weapon and malicious destruction to a motor vehicle. He will be arraigned Monday in Falmouth District Court.

Wtf?    There has to be more to this story right?   I mean what type of scumbag attacks a family stuck in traffic with a baseball bat because they have NY plates?  See this is where the Red Sox vs. Yankees rivalry gets a bad wrap in my opinion.    Because I refuse to believe that anybody would do something like this just because they hate the Yankees or vice versa.   Listen, you need to be totally fucked in the heat to attack a car with a baseball bat under any circumstances.   So yeah the NY thing may have set this kid off, but if it wasn’t this, it would have been something else later in the night like somebody blinked at him the wrong way.  Bottom-line is that assholes are assholes and they’ll act like it regardless of whether they are Red Sox or Yankees fans.   It has nothing to do with being from Boston or a reflection on Red Sox fans.  Kid is just a scumbag.   End of story.

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