BUCHAREST, Romania - A court has ordered a Romanian surgeon to pay $795,000 in compensation to a patient whose penis he accidentally severed during an operation. In July 2004, Dr. Naum Ciomu made a surgical error while operating on the man's testicles, severing the penis instead of making an incision to the testicle. The Bucharest Magistrates Court ruled Friday that Ciomu had been "superficial" in his approach to the operation, ordered the fine and handed Ciomu a one-year suspended prison sentence.

A piece of muscle from the man's arm has now been attached to where his penis was, but its function is aesthetic. "You don't have to be an expert to realize that the 33-year-old victim does not have a good state of mind," said Mihai Olariu, the victim's lawyer.

For starters, let's retire the Understatement of the Year award and hand the trophy to Attorney Olariu right now. On the subject of the importance of the penis, I (along with every other man on Earth) do think of myself as an expert, and yeah I wouldn't describe his clients state of mind with the word "good" either. Especially after the BMC used the word "superficial" in connection to my John Thomas being lopped off. Talk about adding insult to injury.

But how could the court possible attach a sum like $795,000 to the loss of a guy's schlong? The only way I'd understand it is if judges are all card-carrying members of the Bucharest chapter of NOW, because even a penis loving woman would consider this a paltry amount. I mean, how's a guy supposed to replace his Wife's Best Friend with chump change like this?

Here's what you can get for $795,000:

• A two-bedroom condo in the South End.
• A 52-foot yacht
• Four front row season tickets to the new Yankee Stadium (actually you'd still be 13 grand shy)
• A starter home in Hingham
• Sean Casey.

Nothing against Sean Casey, who's having a good season. But I wouldn't trade my Twig & Berries for him. Or anything else $795K could buy me. So maybe it's just the principle of the thing. Because the court could award you a billion dollars, but what's the point of being a billionaire if your penis is made up of "aesthetic" arm muscles?