Random Thoughts

Honestly I love Minnesota! They'll fucking cure whatever ailes you. We need a superstar? How about David Ortiz, Randy Moss or Kevin Garnett. We need a season defining victory? Bring on the Twins! Manny needs a break out hit? Cue the game tying home run. Honestly it's just one thing after another. Frankly I don't think we would have been able to earn the distinction of Title Town USA without Boston Jr's support. God Bless Minnesota!

(photos from Machochip.com)

Well I'm already pissed I missed the Wimbledon final on Sunday which experts and lesbians alike are calling the greatest match of all time (I always thought that was Connors/A. Krickstein from the '91 U.S. Open by the way) but now I'm even more upset that Raphael Nadal's 20 year old smokeshow girlfriend - Maria Francesca "Xista" Perrello, was apparently in the crowd. Yikes, I don't know much of their language but I'm assuming "Xista" loosely translates to "nice dumper" in Espanol. Okay time to rate this broad. Vote 1 for Adios Muchachos, Vote 10 for She's a Keeper.

Introducing Christina from Milton. Yes that's two in a row for Milton. Apparently Christina is best friends with yesterday's smokeshow Cahley. Talk about a devastating 1-2 punch. I love the how Cahley was a bumble bee for Halloween and this Christina was a lady bug. I've never been so intimidated by bugs in my life. You better have your A+ game if you're going to go hit on these two smokeshows.

America wins when you send in smokeshow nominations. Send them to randomthoughts@barstoolsports.com

Click here for more of Christina

(This Guy Totall Has Genital Herpes)

I'm not publishing this article to make fun of New Yorkers. I'm publishing this article because knowing is half the battle. And the facts are that virtually everybody in New York has Genital Herpes. That's not me saying that. It's just a fact. So proceed into Manahatten at your own risk. But don't I say I didn't warn you if you go there for a weekend and come back with the Herp.

Click Here For The Answer

Sometimes it's healthy to see yourself through other people's eyes. And I guess this is how Sox fans look to Tampa Bay Rays fans. I'd love to object and say they're totally wrong. But if we're being honest with each other, and allowing for a little hyperbole, they're not too far off the mark. Go into the Baseball Tavern on game day and you'll see at least two dozen guys who sound exactly like this guy.

And just as an added bonus, here's the original. My day still isn't complete unless I've said "Not now, Chief; I'm in the fuckin' zone" at least once.

"1" for Sawx guy, "10" for Haircut guy

(This chick is taunting the Americans)

I got to admit that I'm kind of stunned to find out that Russia has cheerleaders. Stalin never would have let this happen on his watch. But I guess they figured they got to keep up with America. I wonder if the U.S.S.R has "hotness academies" where little girls go and are trained to be smokeshows and shit like that. I bet they do. Anyway click here for a full Red Army vs. USA cheerleader showdown...Cold War Style.

Uticaod.com - A 29-year-old Utica woman was arrested Tuesday evening after she pulled a large knife and sawed off shotgun out from a baby stroller that was carrying her young child, city police said.  Stephanie Wilson of Shaw Street was pushing her child in the stroller around 7:30 p.m. Tuesday when she became involved in an argument with another woman regarding a prior dispute over money, said Daniel LaBella, city public safety commissioner and acting police chief.  When Utica police later located Wilson, she had put the knife and gun back inside the stroller, LaBella said. There police also found hidden two other knives and a box cutter razor, he said. 

Well it looks like we found our winner for the  “I don’t fuck around” award of the day.   I mean anybody can stash a large knife in their baby’s stroller.  But three knives, a sawed off shotgun and a box cutter?  That is some serious shit.  I guess this just goes to prove the age old adage that you can never be too safe when taking your baby for a walk in Utica.

This chick has to be dead right?

Adventproduct.net - The Ziplock Condom Package with Wipe would offer consumers a simple and efficient means of disposing a used condom following sexual activity. A cleverly designed enhancement to condom packaging boasting both a resealable pouch and a hypoallergenic cleansing wipe, the Ziplock Condom Package with Wipe would offer consumers a sanitary way in which to cleanse their body and neatly dispose of a condom and wipe following sexual encounters. Enabling the user to quickly remove and discard a condom, use of the Ziplock Condom Package with Wipe could effectively prevent the frustration and embarrassment associated with this aspect of love-making. Most importantly, because the Ziplock Condom Package with Wipe would make the task of cleaning up after oneself and disposing a condom so quick and easy, use of this product could not only serve to promote safe sexual conduct, but clean and easy disposal.

Listen I'll all for cleanliness.    But can I ask a stupid question?   How are you supposed to put this thing in your wallet like God intended?   See that's the beauty of the traditional condom wrapper.  You can take it with you wherever you go so you’re always ready should unexpected sex breaks out.  But the Ziplock Condom is too bulky to fit in your wallet.   Seems like a pretty big problem if you ask me. Plus there is something to be said for watching how a chick disposes of a used condom.    It not only says a lot about her freak factor but the state of the relationship.  Does she touch it at all?  Does she make you do all the work?  Does she drink that shit porno style?  Lots of little insights to be gained into her mental psyche.   But I do think they may be onto something with the handiwipe aspect of this thing.   I mean who wouldn’t like to freshen up their dick a little bit after sex?   That’s just human nature.

Anyway Rate This Invention

1 it sucks and 10 you'll be clanging and banging with this shit from now on

A RUSSIAN man has been crowned world champion in the novelty sport of chess boxing, a game that requires equal skill at moving pawns and throwing punches. Stripped to the waist, wearing towels around their shoulders and headphones playing the lulling sound of a moving train to drown out the baying crowd, the men played for four minutes. Then off came their reading glasses and on went the gloves and the mouthguards. For three minutes they beat each other and then, when the bell went, the chess board was back in the ring and they picked up the gentlemanly game where they had left off.

A chess boxing match consists of six rounds of chess and five in the ring but it can also end suddenly in knockout or checkmate. Alternatively one of the players can be disqualified for taking too long to make his move in the chess rounds or breaking the boxing rules.

Up until now I didn't think it possible to create a stupider hybrid sport than Biathalon. But compared to chess and boxing, cross country skiing and sharpshooting go together like a horse and carriage. I don't mean to dismiss the idea altogether. I mean, I'd shell out for Pay-per-view to watch Mike Tyson play chess or Viswanathan Anand step into the ring against Wladimir Klitschko. But how entertaining could it possibly be to watch two evenly matched nobodies Chess Boxing each other? Not very, I'd wager.

Honestly are they serious about this, or is it just one of those things a bunch of Europeans come up with when they're sitting around drinking? Like "What do you say we come up with the stupidest sporting event possible and see if we can get talked about on the internet. How about Ultimate Frisbee-Ultimate Fighting? Sumo Horseshoes? Minigolf Rugby? Lawn Dart Fencing? Badminton Kung Fu? Wait I've got it, Chess Boxing. Perfect! Now pass me the Absinthe..."

I give sport two months maximum before they admit it was all a joke and you never hear about it again. And if I'm wrong, I guarantee you someone from Boston is the next World Champion.

Inside Track - Cheatin’ Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez had a two-night stand with an ex-Centerfolds stripper while in town to play the Red Sox [team stats] in 2004, and Candice Houlihan says A-Rod’s wife “did the right thing” by filing for divorce yesterday.“A leopard doesn’t change his spots,” Houlihan, now a Reading hairdresser, told the Track. “Good for her, I think she’s doing the smart thing. And she’ll probably get tons of cash.”  Houlihan, says A-Rod was a player when she met him four years ago at Fenway Park [map] - the same July night he was thrown out of the game for brawling with Sox captain Jason Varitek [ stats]! The ’94 Reading High graduate said she was at the ballgame with several friends and had primo seats right near the visitors’ dugout. When the Yankees came out to stretch, she and her girlfriends started “hootin’ and hollerin’ ” at A-Rod. “We were really bustin’ his chops and he walked over to us and I thought he was going to yell at us,” she said. “But he introduced himself, asked me who I was and if I wanted to meet up for drinks later. I was like ‘Hell, yeah!’ ” “It was killing me and I felt bad afterwards,” she said. “I’m not a bad person. I know how it feels to be cheated on, it sucks. But a couple of drinks later, I didn’t notice all that much, to tell you the truth.” Houlihan said she and her girlfriends Googled A-Rod the next day and she was shocked to find out that his wife was pregnant with their first child. “We were all freaking out,” she said. But when A-Rod called her when he was in town for the American League Championship Series, Candice met him and they had sex again. (Although this time he didn’t let her stay the night.) Although Candice was a stripper for five years, she said she never told A-Rod she danced at Centerfolds.

First of all spare me the philosophy lesson with the leopard and the spots bullshit. You're a stripper. Deal with it. Regardless, I love whores like this.  She felt so bad after she found out that Arod’s wife was pregnant with their first child that the next time he was in town she only let him cum on her face as opposed to in her asshole.  What a lady!  Seriously what do you think was going through this chick’s mind when she decided to pick up the phone and call the Inside Track?   She just had to let everybody know that she banged Arod?  It mean who fucking cares?  It’s not like the world was desperate for evidence that Arod cheats on his wife.  Everybody already knew that.   It's almost like this chick was sitting on this information for five years waiting for the perfect time to drop this bombshell. I wonder is she thought she was going to get to ride in the Duck Boats or something.   Congrats I guess?    Just goes to prove that you can take the stripper out of the strip club, but you can’t take the strip club out of the stripper.  Somewhere in a dark alley Steve Langone weeps.

PS - Get me photos of this slut STAT!

FOXBOROUGH, Mass. - The New England Patriots announced today that tight end Ben Coates, who played for the team for nine seasons from 1991-99, was elected by Patriots fans as the 13th member of the Patriots Hall of Fame. He becomes the first tight end inducted into The Hall.

Even though Coates beat out Jon Morris, who was the Pats Center for 11 years and made 7 Pro Bowls, and Jim Nance, who was their first great Running Back, he was a deserving choice. Consider these numbers:

• Coates is 2nd on the Pats all time TDs list with 50.
• He's 3rd on the team in career receptions with 490.
• His 5,471 yards are 4th.
• He holds the Patriots TE records in all of the above.
• He played in 5 consecutive Pro Bowls.
• When he retired his 96 catches in 1994 was the Patriots record and the NFL record for TEs.
• Among NFL TEs, his career totals place him 6th in receptions, 6th in TDs and 10th in receiving yards.

And those numbers don't do him justice. He was even better. He was a lethal combination of uncoverable and untackleable, if those are actual words. With a resume like that, one might assume that Coates' election by Pats fans was a slam dunk, but it wasn't. Frankly, this is a bit of redemption for him because things ended badly for Coates in New England. For years every TV analyst and football writer was contractually obligated to call him "Drew Bledsoe's favorite target" and he was.

But toward the end of the '90s, his production began to drop off. He was struggling to get open and seemed to get flagged for Offensive Pass Interference after every catch, which is exactly what happens to a veteran when he loses a step and can't open any other way. Eventually there were whispers that Coates was becoming a "Me First" guy, which reached it's nadir on Halloween night of 1999. The Pats were on a roll, 6-2 going into the bye week and coming off their first solid, 4-quarter performance of the season against Arizona. But a frustrated Coates complained loudly after the game that he hadn't had any touches. By their next game, it became obvious that Bledsoe was forcing the ball into Coates, the offense struggled, the team swirled the drain, finished 2-6 and out of the playoffs, and Pete Carroll was fired. When Bill Belichick has handed the reigns the following winter one of the first things he did was cut Coates loose and two seasons later won a championship with Rod Rutledge and Jermaine Wiggins, who between them didn't have 1/10th of the talent Coates had in his prime. Amazingly, by the time that happened, Coates was already out of football.

I don't point any of this out to kill Ben Coates buzz on a day when he's getting a reward he justly deserves. I'm saying it just to make the point that whatever else our faults may be, New England fans never fail to appreciate true greatness when they see it. And we're all glad to see Coates' story end well at last.

More of the classic Baywatch beauty here...

Who do you want to Wake Up with? Let UB know at the now FIXED Ub@barstoolsports.com