Random Thoughts

Oops no Smokeshow today! If you wanted to see hot chicks you should have come to our Buffett party at Tavern on the Water. Have fun sitting on your couch getting fat bitches!

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Dumbass Daily:

A photograph showing Iowa Central Community College President Robert Paxton appearing to pour beer down the throat of a young woman has been circulating in the Fort Dodge area. Paxton, 52, and a group of young people are shown on a boat. Paxton and a young woman are holding a small keg of Coors Light above the head of another young woman, who appears to be drinking from the spigot held open by Paxton. Paxton and an Iowa Central trustee said that Paxton had done nothing wrong and that the actions were in his private life, not his college work... When asked Friday about the photo, which also shows a passenger on the boat pouring vodka into the mouth of another person, Paxton initially told a Des Moines Register reporter, "I have no idea what you're talking about." Asked whether he had recently been aboard a boat with a group of young people, Paxton replied, "No, not recently I haven't." In a separate conversation later in the day, Paxton acknowledged that he was aware of the photo. Asked why he initially denied knowledge of the picture, he said, "I was told not to speak." He declined to elaborate, however. Paxton said the photo was made on July 4 at West Okoboji Lake. He said his 19-year-old son, John, who was a student at Iowa Central last school year, is the younger man in the photo. He said his son was not drinking on the boat. However, Iowa court records show that a day after the photo was made, John Paxton was arrested and charged with second-offense drunken driving.

Take THAT, UMass! As a proud graduate of our nation's Community College system, I'm proud to see that not every academician in the country has gone all namby-pamby "you don't need alcohol to have a good time" on us. And it's nice to see President Paxton striking a blow for our equal rights here. Why should binge drinking and grabassing drunken coeds be the sole and exclusive purview of kids from good schools? Why can't mediocre students whose parents didn't save for college get a piece of that action too? And you have to appreciate how well Pres. Paxton handled it. Saying he was never on a boat, then saying it's cool because it was a father-son outing, then getting quoted in Deadspin saying that the spigot on the keg didn't work and he was only holding over a chick's mouth to make fun of them so it's not big deal. I sure could've used a guy like him running Massassoit when I was going there. It would've made all that commuting time fly by.

I need to explain something for those of you in the crowd who, for whatever reason, might not root for the Greatest Franchise in the History of Sports. 

To somehow think that the Yankees are out of playoff contention with 32 games left and only 5 games back is presumptuous at best, stupid at worst. If the Yankees sweep the Red Sox this week in the final series of all-time at The Stadium, by my count, that would make the Yankees only 2 games back with 29 to play.  2 back with 29 to play??  That’s a fucking eternity!   Just ask the Mets!  And remember, the main goal here is to just get within 3 going into the final weekend of the season when the Yanks come to Fenway.  Based on what we’ve seen in prior years, the Yankees have a huge edge in important, late season series in Boston.  Last year the Yanks took 2 out of 3 in September with Clemens out-pitching Schilling on Sunday night, and if I remember correctly, two years ago in Fenway the Yanks took 5 straight – in King Kong Bundy voice, “FIVE straight!”  Plus, if it’s a tie at the end of the regular season like it was 30 years ago and we need a 1 game playoff to decide things, everybody knows the Yankees will have the edge in that one too.  

Bottom line – unless you want to ignore history, I’d wait until Derek Jeter, Mariano Rivera and the rest of the 26-time World Champs are officially eliminated before you count them out.  Until then, let’s just play out the schedule. 

In a season that's had a sensory overload of story lines from the Japan trip to unhappy Coco to Schilling to Manny Being Manny Vols. 1,001 to 9,999, the one story that's kind of gotten lost in the shuffle has been the emergence of Jed Lowrie. During his time in Pawtucket, he wasn't exactly anonymous, but neither was he one of those blue chippers you've heard all about because the Sunday Globe or Steve Buckley were doing glowing puff pieces on him either. Since around this time last year, Lowrie's been the consummate Guy You've Heard Of, but knew nothing about. You certainly didn't have much reason to think he was capable of stepping in in the middle of 2008 and putting a headlock on the starting shortstop job, but he's come out of nowhere to do exactly that. .299, .364 OBP, .474 SLG and an RBI total that pro-rates out to 100 for a full season. Plus while he doesn't make the flashy play in the hole, he gets the ones you need to get.

Lowrie's come on like an obscure "Lost" character. First you saw him standing around in the background while Sawyer was arguing with Jack. Next he got a line or two like "Let me help you with that, Jin." And before you know it, you're watching a whole episode about his backstory and he's a central figure all of a sudden. And now 3/4 of the Sox starting IF and their starting CF are all homegrown prospects, which is pretty remarkable when you realize that the last everyday players their farm system produced were Trot Nixon and Nomar. We can all say what we want about Theo's bizarre fixation on Julio Lugo (and what was he thinking?) but when your organization can pull a guy like Lowrie out of their ass every year, it will make up for a lot of blunders.

Postscript: Did anyone else see the article John Tomase did on Lowrie? So the Herald's Patriots beat reporter has time in late August to write baseball columns? I would've read it, but I'm tired of counting the guy's lies. Why don't they just can him already?

Listen I thought this clip was all fun and games until a guy named Fonsy was upset. That's when you know it's serious. But what's the crime here? The "flimsy" wiring that could potentially cause the entire mall to explode? Maybe. But that's just "the man" talking. For all we know the wiring was fine and the cops are just saying that to scare Fonsy and other community shoppers. Bottom line is the weed farm wasn't hurting anybody, in fact, it probably was the incentive for why 90% of mall employees even showed up for work in the first place. As a wise man once said, "All you did today was weaken a country."

Love it! If that means I have a heart of coal than so be it.

PS - I think the total on how many times you can watch this before you officially qualify as an asshole is 8. I'm around 23 right now.

"If Batman is impressed, I'm impressed"

- Thanks to Ralph for the photo

Foxnews: A suspended Texas police officer testified Thursday that he was forced to have sex with two prostitutes during an undercover sting operation, saying he was "paid to do it." Officer Keith Breiner testified in Beaumont, Texas, during a hearing to be reinstated after he was suspended along with another officer after it came to light that the men engaged in sex acts with prostitutes while on the job, the Beaumont Enterprise reports. "If you are asking if I had an orgasm, yes. It was a job, sir," Breiner reportedly said during testimony. "I didn't have pleasure doing this. I was paid to do it." Breiner admitted to being manually stimulated as well as engaging in oral and vaginal sex with two women at two spas during an undercover sting operation, the Enterprise said.

Well all right then. I was raised to respect the law and be grateful for the job that the law enforcement community does putting their asses on the line so the rest of us can sleep at night. So I tolerate a lot of the unsavory stuff that goes on among the less trustworthy cops. Bribes, phony disability claims, confiscating kids beer and keeping it for themselves, questionable speeding tickets, banging hookers. But there's one thing I can't tolerate, and that's a cop who's forced into having an orgasm and actually enjoying it. That's not part of the job description, I don't care how good a job you're doing at keeping prostitution from getting out of hand. So as long as Officer Breiner only had that other kind of orgasm... the non-pleasurable kind... I can accept that. And I'm sure all those Johns he arrested feel the same way.

ROME—An Italian priest and theologian said Sunday he is organizing an online beauty pageant for nuns to give them more visibility within the Catholic Church and to fight the stereotype that they are all old and dour.  The "Miss Sister 2008" contest will start in September on a blog run by the Rev. Antonio Rungi and will give nuns from around the world a chance to showcase their work and their image.  Rungi, a theologian and schoolteacher from the Naples area, said that visitors to his site will have a month to "vote for the nun they consider a model."  Nuns will fill out a profile including information about their life and vocation as well as a photograph. It will be up to them to choose whether to pose with the traditional veil or with their heads uncovered. Rungi said the idea was first suggested to him by nuns with whom he regularly prays and works. He hopes there will be dozens of submissions once the Web site is started.

Calling all Smokeshows!  Calling all Smokeshows!  Whoops, wrong blog.  Or maybe not?  I’ve been saying this for a while now, but it’s obvious the Catholic Church is reading The Stool.  And I’m not just talking about the Sex Scandal Teachers.  “Vote for the nun they consider a model” sounds an awful lot like “Click here to vote for Smokeshow of the Month.”   I mean how is it going to read - "Vote 1 for Sister Mary Joseph, Vote 10 for Sister Christian". It can't say that, can it? Also, are "dozens of submissions" really that many? Way to shoot for the moon buddy. Check out that nun on the right (see above). The $100 and free Pope hat are already in the mail. 

Click Here For the Answer

(Does it look like Belichick needs help from Joseph Abboud?)

Reuters - Joseph Abboud loves big American guys and to prove it, the apparel maker’s parent, JA Apparel Corp, signed a three-year deal to outfit 31 of the 32 National Football League coaches with its suits and other men’s wear.The one coach who did not sign on? Hooded sweat-shirt wearing Bill Belichik of the New England Patriots. “The NFL is the most popular sport now and it’s completely American,” JA Apparel Chief Executive Marty Staff said in a telephone interview. “It all works. All of our competitors are European and this is really a point of departure for us.  “Also, we love guys who are 35 to 54. We’re not a metrosexual company,” he said, adding he expects the multimillion dollar deal to boost sales and the company’s profile. 

Once again Bill Belichick proves that he his playing chess while the rest of the league is playing checkers.  I mean the COO of Joseph Abboud can talk all he wants about how they aren’t a metrosexual company.  But just take a look at what the guy wore to Fenway Park.  Would you let this guy dress your ass?   Of course not!    But only Bill Belichick is smart enough not to fall for this marketing ploy.  So now while the rest of the coaches in the league will be getting their balls crushed by tight black jeans all week, Belichick will be wearing sweat pants making game plans from hell.   Game, set, match…Belichick.

Boston.com - For years, the University of Massachusetts at Amherst has labored under the stereotype of a party school with a deeply entrenched drinking culture. Deserved or not, the "Zoo Mass" reputation fueled a self-perpetuating problem, administrators say: Some students drank heavily because they believed everyone else was. But in an aggressive campaign that is winning national attention, the university is taking aim at alcohol abuse by chipping away at the stereotype. Across campus, posters and bus and newspaper advertisements with the slogan "We got the facts from you" trumpet survey results showing that alcohol use is far less pervasive than students assume."The perception is that heavy-drinking students are the norm," said Sally Linowski, who directs UMass-Amherst's Center for Alcohol and Other Drug Abuse Prevention. "So some students will drink to that expectation. Perception can become reality."

So let me get this straight.   Umass is saying that the reason they have so many heavy drinkers is because of the perception that everybody is drinking?And to think for all these years I thought it was because the school is filled with Massholes who sucked at everything in high school except boozing and partying which is why they’re at Umass in the first place.     I guess I was wrong.   Regardless I think it’s safe to say drinking doesn’t stand a chance at the Zoo anymore in the face of this new advertising campaign.  Just remember people, 3 out of 4 Umass students feel comfortable saying no to a drink, but just choose not to.   That's some powerful shit right there.

NEW HAVEN, Conn. (AP) -- Nine-year-old Jericho Scott is a good baseball player -- too good, it turns out. The right-hander has a fastball that tops out at about 40 mph. He throws so hard that the Youth Baseball League of New Haven told his coach that the boy could not pitch any more. When Jericho took the mound anyway last week, the opposing team forfeited the game, packed its gear and left, his coach said. Officials for the three-year-old league, which has eight teams and about 100 players, said they will disband Jericho's team, redistributing its players among other squads, and offered to refund $50 sign-up fees to anyone who asks for it. They say Jericho's coach, Wilfred Vidro, has resigned. But Vidro says he didn't quit and the team refuses to disband. Players and parents held a protest at the league's field on Saturday urging the league to let Jericho pitch. "He's never hurt any one," Vidro said. "He's on target all the time. How can you punish a kid for being too good?" Jericho's coach and parents say the boy is being unfairly targeted because he turned down an invitation to join the defending league champion, which is sponsored by an employer of one of the league's administrator Jericho instead joined a team sponsored by Will Power Fitness. The team was 8-0 and on its way to the playoffs when Jericho was banned from pitching. League attorney Peter Noble says the only factor in banning Jericho from the mound is his pitches are just too fast. "He is a very skilled player, a very hard thrower," Noble said. "There are a lot of beginners. This is not a high-powered league. This is a developmental league whose main purpose is to promote the sport." Noble acknowledged that Jericho had not beaned any batters in the co-ed league of 8- to 10-year-olds, but say parents expressed safety concerns. "Facing that kind of speed" is frightening for beginning players, Noble said.

I say this without a shred of sarcasm.  This is probably the lowest moment in the history of the United States right behind slavery.  I mean a kid gets barred from playing baseball because he’s too fucking good?   Do you think this shit would happen in Cuba?  Fuck no!  Listen it would be one thing if this kid was going around beaning everybody in the head or there were whispers that he was 14 or something.   But it sounds like everybody is in agreement including the “league attorney” that Jericho is just a phenom.  So how can you punish him?   If anything he should be getting treated like a god and fucking chicks everywhere.   I just hope and pray the real reason that "Will Power Fitness" was disbanded was because the league administrator is on the take.  I can live with corruption and blackmail in Little Leage baseball, but I can’t accept telling a kid he can’t pitch because little Timmy and little Jimmy shit their pants when he brings the 40 mph gas.  

More Ani here...

Who do you want to Wake Up with? Ub@barstoolsports.com