Random Thoughts

(Even money Paps banged the shit out of this broad. After all everybody knows dancing is a heartbeat away from full blown sex)

Comcast Sportsnet released some videos of Jonathan Papelbon today from his High School Talent show.  Highlights include him dirty dancing with a dude and him dressed as a chick acting like he’s in the Rockettes or something.   Whatever.   I mean if you’ve seen Papelbon dance once or twice or a million times already, you probably get the point. And who hasn’t done something dumb in their High School show before?  Maybe not this dumb, but still.  Anyway Comcast had been hyping up these videos so much for the past 2 days that I was kind of expecting there to be footage of who really shot JFK at the end.  No such luck.  Still they are mildly entertaining so here is the link.  

PS -  My favorite part had nothing to do with Papelbon.   I want that fucking robe that Big Papi was wearing in the clubhouse.  That thing is sick!   

So the first 3 girls have qualified for the Smokeshow of the Century Brackets. Congratulations to Melissa who truly is one big ball of hotness. Here is who has qualified so far....

Melissa

Megan

Lauren

Introducing Arielle from Weymouth. This one goes out to all the Stoolies who love drop dead gorgeous blonds. Who says I'm not a team player....

As a reminder if you want to get invited to our Smokeshow Blue Ball I highly suggest nominating a smokeshow. Send all nominations to randomthoughts@barstoolsports.com

Click for more of Arielle

Pretty sweet tackle. Kind of looked like a sunset flip or something.

SEPTEMBER 8--Meet Antonio Vasquez. Wielding an eight-inch sausage, the California man, 21, allegedly broke into a Fresno home Saturday morning, stole $900, and assaulted one resident with the pork weapon and tossed seasoning into another victim's face. Santiago Cabrera told deputies that he was sleeping on the home's front porch when he "felt something hit him in the face," the report notes. Struggling to awake, Cabrera found "an unknown male bent over him. The male continued to strike him in the face and head area with a sausage." Santiago, deputies reported, "said the sausage was about 8" long." Another resident, Cesar Macias, recalled that he was sleeping on a futon in the family room when the intruder threw Pappy's seasoning in his face. The Fresno-based Pappy's specializes in "high quality all purpose spice blends, sauces and marinades," according to its web site. Before fleeing the residence, Vasquez, for some reason, removed his shorts, which contained his driver's license, credit cards, school IDs, and cell phone. He ran into a nearby orange orchard, but was soon apprehended by a deputy who noted that the suspect was wearing "a white sleeveless tee shirt and green boxers." However, cops were unable to recover Vasquez's principal weapon. "I asked Santiago where the sausage was," Deputy George Ozburn wrote, "he advised his dog ate it."

It’s almost like Antonio Vasquez read my mind on how to commit the perfect crime.   Because I’ve long maintained that if I was going to rob a bank the first thing I’d do is throw spices into the eyes of the teller.   I’m always amazed that more people don’t do this. I mean it worked for Mr. Fuji right?  It just seems like a perfect way to neutralize your victim.  Combine this with a sausage to the head and it’s almost impossible not to become a top notch criminal.   If only he could have kept his pants on I’m sure he’d be half way to Mexico by now.  Such a shame…

From Howard Stern.com: Dennis Hof stopped by with a girl named Natalee and her sister, Avia, to auction off Natalee's virginity... She explained that she got the idea after reading a news story about a Peruvian girl who auctioned her virginity for $1.5 million. Natalee noted that he planned to use the money to pay for her (and her sister's) master degree(s) in Marriage & Family Studies, but she won't let just any guy win the auction: “He has to be a good guy.” Howard asked if Natalee was scared that the auction winner might have a large penis, and she confessed that she was both scared and excited by the idea.

There are too many pre-conditions in Natalie's offer for me to be eligible to bid on this. Assuming she's serious about looking for a "good guy" with a big penis, I'll have to recuse myself right now. Plus there's the business of my wedding vows and the fact that I only have eyes for my Lovely Trophy Wife. Therefore I believe I can be objective when I say that if Natalie thinks she's getting $1.5 million, she's off by several zeros. Virginity is not without it's dollar value, but who does this chick think she is? Mylie Cyrus? According to COED Magazine, she went to San Diego St. And if she's not good enough for Kevin O'Connell to deflower for free, she's certainly not worth a mil and a half. If she wants to sell her V-Card to pay her and her sister's tuition, I have two words for them: "state school".

In terms of epic face plants you really can't draw it up any better than this. I mean this was picture perfect.

TMZ.com - Three women are furious after they went to a club called Chapter 8 in Agoura Hills -- SoCal -- back in 2007 and wound up being featured on a G4 program called "Attack of the Show" -- in a segment called "The Great Cougar Hunt." According to the suit, the ladies were portrayed as "older women who were attempting to pick up younger men at Chapter Eight, which was described (on the show) as a 'world famous cougar hot spot.' The segment describes cougars as the easiest and most ravenous prey for younger men." The ladies claim they were filmed without giving consent, and swear they "were not attempting to meet or 'hunt' younger men, or any men for that matter, on the day the video segment was made."  They also thought it was important to put this line in the lawsuit: "In fact, Plaintiffs do not date younger men at all."  The threesome claims the show was so "highly outrageous and offensive," that they're suing G4 and the two hosts of the show for more than $1,000,000!!!!!

These Cougar bitches can cut the shit about not being Cougars.  But that doesn’t mean they don’t have a legitimate complaint here.  The problem is that they are totally missing the boat on what they should be suing about.  This lawsuit should read "Cougars and the United States of America vs. the G4 Network."     Listen, everybody knows that you don’t film Cougars at night.  That’s not how they roll.   This isn’t Girls Gone Wild.  Cougars like to remain in the shadows and hunt their prey in darkness.  You can’t expose them to the light or in this case National TV without endangering the entire species.   It’s fucking wreckless is what it is.  So I’m actually on the Cougars side here.   All G4 did today was weaken a country.    So yeah I’d say 1 million bucks is a fair price to pay for this indiscretion.

This has got to be a record right? Because I'm pretty sure Warren Buffett is the first guy in the history of first pitches to go full uniform. I mean do you really need the sanitaries dude? I guess when you're old and rich as fuck you can do whatever the hell you want.

A former assistant football coach at Los Gatos High School, apparently angry over the loss of his job a year ago, was arrested over the weekend after he allegedly used a shot put to break into the gymnasium and tried to set the building on fire, police said Monday.  Brian Butcher, 34, of Saratoga was arrested about 1 a.m. Saturday after police responded to an alarm at the school at 20 High School Court, said Sgt. Randy Rimple of the Los Gatos/Monte Sereno police.  Officers found that the glass door to the gym had been smashed by a shot put, Rimple said. They also found Butcher driving a vehicle on the front lawn of the campus, police said. Butcher did not appear to be intoxicated but was angry that the school let him go a year ago, Rimple said.  Butcher coached receivers and defensive backs on the freshman-sophomore team, according to the school's Web site.

This story proves the case I've been making for years.  That the most stressful, dangerous job in America is that of football coach.  Ahead of soldier, cop, fireman, commercial fisherman or even "Hell's Kitchen" contestant.  Here you've got Brian Butcher, a year removed from the red hot crucible known as the Los Gatos High School coaching staff, and he's still scarred from it.  We hand young men like him an embroidered windbreaker and a whistle and send them off to face the freshman-sophomore receivers and defensive backs, and as soon as we're done with them, we turn our backs.  He didn't ask us, we asked him!  Instead of giving the Coach Butchers the help they need, we have the Randy Rimples hassle them.  It's a national tragedy.  Some have proposed a 5-day "cooling off" period before an ex-football coach can purchase a shot put, but how would that have helped in this case?  Here's Butcher, a year later and he's still a ticking time bomb from the post traumatic stress.  It's not about taking the shot puts aways from these guys, it's about giving them the treatment they deserve.  How many more gym doors must die, Mr. Speaker?! 

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Tom Brady is out with an injury. So is Tom Brady. That's right, two Toms are down and out this football season. FOX25's Frank Mallicoat explains.

I'm glad the fake Tom Brady can joke about how people think he's a voodoo doll and shit like that, but that's exactly what this motherfucker is! This guy needs to get his name changed, pick a new number or play a new position or something. I mean as long as he's trying to be a mini Tom Brady he is threat to all of New England. I'd say kill him, but I'm afraid the real Tom Brady would die as well. That's the problem with voodoo dolls.

Dlisted broke the news yesterday that Victoria from The Maury Povich Show finally had herself a baby. Took her fucking long enough. I mean she is 18 years old now. She first went on Maury when she was 15. How long does it take to get impregnated nowadays? Regardless if you're out on the town tonight tip a 40 for the beginning of the end of civilization as we know it.

MARBLEHEAD - Law offices representing a former Marblehead High School soccer player have announced their intent to file a legal complaint against the town, school department, superintendent, athletic director, and high school principal for negligence in hiring soccer coach Steve Ingemi. Attorneys Robert K. Rainer and Chris O'Connor claim that their client, former Marblehead resident and current resident of Somerville Jacob Rainer, and other varsity soccer players were subjected to hazing rituals under the direction of Ingemi during the 2004-2006 seasons. The letter alleges that Ingemi would order each accepted player to the team to participate in the "right of passage" ritual known as "branding." The player would be asked to stand inside the goal and face midfield. Ingemi would then kick a soccer ball at "great velocity" toward the player with intent to leave a mark or imprint of the ball across their chest. If the player moves or attempts to protect themselves from the ball, the process is repeated until the player can withstand the blow."This so-called drill willfully and recklessly endangered Jacob's and other players' physical and mental health," the legal presentment reads. They will also file a civil action against Ingemi for assault, battery, false imprisonment, and intentional infliction of emotional distress. Dulac (Marblehead AD) also questioned why the complaint was coming now, two years after Rainer graduated.  O'Connor said that the issue has been something Rainer has been thinking about for some time and just became comfortable coming forward with it.

The Magicians strike again!  First we had the dad who sued the football coach for dipping and now this.  Seriously is there any place in the world with more pussies per capita than Marblehead?   I mean this shit is priceless.  Honestly what type of lunatic sues their high soccer coach two years after they graduate?  This Jacob Rainer must have an awesome life huh?    And the best part of this lawsuit is that this so called “hazing drill” sounds suspiciously like a real drill.    Granted I don’t know much about soccer, but isn’t playing a ball off your chest like part of the game?    So maybe this coach was actually trying to teach his team something?    But I guess when you grow up with a silver spoon up your ass you just sue anybody who makes you break a sweat and doesn’t tell you that you’re awesome all the time.   No wonder the Big Blue pounds Marblehead into submission every year on Thanksgiving.

If this doesn't sum up the Yankees season than I don't know what does. I mean this Yankee fan couldn't even get two words out of his mouth before the cop grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and tossed him out on his ass like the piece of garbage that he is. This contest was over before it even began just like their season. Regardless the moral of this story is that even New York cops know it's illegal for Yankee fans to talk trash right now. Sit down and be quiet or go to jail.

- Thanks to Bryan for the video

ESPN.com - His competitive thirst apparently unquenched, Lance Armstrong has told Vanity Fair magazine that he intends to try to win an eighth Tour de France in 2009. "Ultimately, I'm the guy that gets up," Armstrong told Vanity Fair. "I mean, I'm not going to lie ... my back gets tired quicker than it used to and I get out of bed a little slower than I used to. But when I'm going, when I'm on the bike -- I feel just as good as I did before." The Texan said he would use cycling to promote cancer research as a means of finding a cure for the disease that almost killed him 12 years ago. He also wants to answer the critics who say they believe he doped his way to his seven Tour wins. According to the magazine story, Armstrong has vowed to submit to vigorous testing both by outside agencies and an independent program.  Armstrong said that if French officials were to try to keep him from racing in that country, he would make a direct personal appeal to French president Nicolas Sarkozy. "I've already put a call in to him," Armstrong told Vanity Fair. "Look it up. He's said strong things about me in the past."

I fucking can’t stand Lance Armstrong.    Seriously this may be worse news for me than Tom Brady being out for the season.   I mean are we really going to have put up with another year of non stop Lance Armstrong dick sucking and everybody talking about how he’s the best athlete in the world?Because if we are please kill me now.   Listen, I give Lance credit for riding a bicycle with one nut and for promoting cancer research.  But who cares if he wins another Tour De Bike Race.  We get it already.  He’s better than the  other 12 people who ride a bike for a living.  Seriously being a professional bike rider is like playing Intramurals in college and the winner should be treated accordingly.  Joey Chestnut is a bigger American hero in my mind than Lance Armstrong and he has half the ego.  If anybody should be dating celebrities and getting interviewed by Vanity Fair it should be Chestnut instead of that egomaniac Lance Armstrong.

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(send wakeup nominations to randomthoughts@barstoolsports.com)