New Study Says That Smoking Weed May Cause Man Boobs

(CNN) — A young man in his 20s — let’s call him George — sits across from me in the exam room. “Dr. Youn,” he says, “I have man boobs.” I notice a not-so-unfamiliar smell wafting from his body. It’s the same odor that floated my way during a rock concert I recently attended. “How long have you had a problem with this, George?” “Hard to say. But it seems to have gotten worse over the past year or so.” “George, the first thing you need to do is stop smoking pot. Marijuana could be causing your man boobs.” Gynecomastia, otherwise known as man boobs (or moobs for short), is a condition that affects approximately 33% to 41% of men between the ages of 25 and 45. It’s even more common during puberty, affecting 60% of 14-year-old boys. Interestingly, it also affects 55% to 60% of men aged 50 and older.

Phew, glad I got this information. Don’t smoke pot, John. Because the last thing in the world I’d want is a pair of man boobs. My life is pretty depressing as it is, so do you know what slapping a pair of bolt-ons to my chest would do? It’d give me a firm, two-handed shove right off the cliff. No fucking thank you. I’ll stick to my beer and carbo-loaded diet and keep being svelte as fuck.

PS – In all seriousness I can count the times I’ve smoked weed in my life on two hands. I hate it. Just makes me tired as shit and I fall asleep in 5 minutes. So I guess my tits are just one of those freak of nature things. Like a health nut who’s never touched a cigarette but gets lung cancer, you just chalk it up to bad luck.