BREAKING NEWS: Tommy Smokes Has Been Named To The Starting 5 Of The Barstool Basketball Team

Has hell frozen over?!? What's more rare than the solar eclipse path of totality crossing through the United States? Tommy Smokes being named a starter. 

Despite a slanderous blog war between Smokes and head coach Chris Klemmer where Smokes called his coach - a low basketball IQ, sexist, nightmare to play for - Tommy Smokes will immediately be seeing the court tonight due to a massive roster shake up. 

Has Coach Klemmer had a change of heart after taking to X (formerly twitter) and telling bench players they'd be riding the pine even more thanks to Smokes' slanderous rant? 

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No. Not at all. In fact, Coach Klemmer had nothing to do with the lineup decision. At the moment, all coaching decisions go through interim head coach Jack Kennedy, due to the fact that Klemmer will be absent from tonight's game due to prior commitments at the company's Chicago office. 

Klemmer won't be the only one absent due to prior work obligations: Nick Mulcahy, Wayne Jetski, Billy Football, Rico Bosco, and Jack McGuire will also be absent. 

When asked for reason behind the decision to start Smokes above others, interim coach Kennedy simply said, "Let's see what Smokes is made of."

I reached out to Tommy Smokes for a quote about if this was the right decision, "It's about time we have a coach with some actual brains. I'm excited to reward coach Kennedy's faith with hustle, grit, and a lot of points. Nobody out there will play harder than me ... except when I'm a little bit gasses, and take some plays off on defense." 

Smokes isn't the only new face in the starting lineup. Defensive specialist, Matthew Jenks, will also get starting minutes tonight. It will be a heavy load to bear for this diminished roster. Can they get the job done? Coach Klemmer reached out via text with all the faith in the world for his squad ...