Comparing The Barstool Intramural Basketball Team To Professional/ College Players

Vibbs4/05/2024 2:00 PM

The Barstool Sports intramural basketball team is currently two games deep into the season, and while it is absolute insanity to have 12 players on a rec league roster, each player has carved out an essential role for the franchise. As the team's sideline/beat reporter, I have seen enough of this undefeated team to provide professional and collegiate player comps for each player and coach.

Coach Klemmer: Brad Stevens

Both coaches have small town values and style comparable to white bread. It's even been said that Klemmer looks like Brad Stevens, but with a touch of the 'tism. Klemmer and Stevens are the type of guys that would wear a comfortable cable knit sweater while running errands for their wife on a Saturday morning, and say buh-bye when getting off a phone call. They might not be the most exciting, but whatever goes on in those heads produces winning basketball.

Rocky Widner. Getty Images.

Assistant Coach Kenjac: Dom Disandro

I'm not sure what the role of an assistant coach on a rec league basketball team is exactly, but when you need a body buried, you grab one of these two guys. Kenjac and Big Dom are guys you have on the sidelines for when shit pops off. In a "hold me back" moment, they are there to hold you back, but inevitably become the guy that needs to be held back. Also, both are most likely to wear a kangol hat to a team dinner.

Icon Sportswire. Getty Images.

Dana Beers: Zach Randolph

Big guys are having quite the run at the moment. You've got DJ Burns owning the NCAA tournament, while Dana Beers is currently over powering opponents in the rec leauge. Both of those players have been linked to the playing style of Zach Randolph. No disrespect, but you look at these guys, and the human brain cannot comprehend how someone that size can be so graceful. BUT, both players are able get buckets and crash the boards at will.

Joe Murphy. Getty Images.

Marty Mush: Michael Jordan

Yes, that Michael Jordan. MJ. The Jumpman. How can anyone not see it? I wish I could witness every reader's reaction to seeing Marty's name next to Michael Jordan. Eyes rolling out of their skulls, spitting out their coffee when they weren't even drinking any, but Marty Mush is the Michael Jordan of this team … in the sense that at any moment Marty could leave the team and have a below average baseball career. If that's the case, is Marty actually better than Michael Jordan?

EUGENE GARCIA. Getty Images.

Billy Football: Ben Wallace

Shooting the ball is not in Billy Football's repertoire. Living in the paint, rebounding, and simply placing the ball through the hoop is what Billy's game is all about. Billy is the X factor if this team wants to make a championship run. The only difference between Billy and Ben Wallace … well … one of the big differences between the two is that Billy is likely to complain to the refs about reversing a call, while Ben Wallace would simply stare daggers into the official's soul until the ref was so intimidated, he had no choice to change the ruling. In a few years Billy's comp might be Fred Hoiberg because he will be an actual Mayor.

Jennifer Pottheiser. Getty Images.

Wayne Jetski: Jason Williams

Jason Williams was known for his unreal passing ability. With Jetski's off the charts athleticism, and serviceable passing skills, a better playing style comparison would be Russell Westbrook due to the fact that Jetski is like a corvette driving to the basket. All gas, no brakes.

BUT, I can't pass up the opportunity to call Jetski White Chocolate, so Jason Williams it is.

Andy Lyons. Getty Images.

Rico Bosco: Ron Artest (before he became Metta World Peace)

A gritty lockdown defender who makes the right plays on the court. BUT, at any moment, a minor inconvenience could light his short fuse, sending him into a blind rage. While I can't see Rico becoming an R&B producer and releasing an album mid season, Artest did play for about as many NBA rosters as Bosco claims college teams. Every man is capable of change, but until Rico changes his name to some weird shit like Global Utopian Harmony, he will be the same Bosco.

D. Lippitt/Einstein. Getty Images.

Nick Mulcahy: Luke Harangody

This is the only player comparison on the list that is 100% identical in both back story and style of play. Mulcahy is a Boston guy who loves Notre Dame, and Harangody is a Notre Dame legend that played for the Boston Celtics. Even if their narratives didn't line up, their approach to the game is a carbon copy of one another. Bullying down the lane, baby hooks, cleaning up the boards. Mulcahy being a behind the scenes guy keeps him under the radar, but he is an essential piece to this team's winning.

Mitchell Layton. Getty Images.

Jack Mac: Andrew Hurley

JMac may be one of the last guys off the bench, but the team has never lost a game where this man has seen playing time. While Klemmer is not related to Jack Mac, Jack has all the qualities of a coach's son. Knows the game inside and out, always positive, plays his role. With this guy on the roster, barstool will for sure win a title, maybe even two.

Gregory Shamus. Getty Images.

Gia Mariano: Gabbie Marshall

If you want to win a championship, you need players that are able to do a little bit of everything. Gia has yet to have a Caitlin Clark-esque performance, but she has been one of the most efficient players on the team. When she goes into the game, she makes the team better. While the Italian / ties to Philly / 3pt shooter comparison is definitely there with comparison to Donte Divincenzo, I didn't want to put the Italians in a box.

Sarah Stier. Getty Images.

John Rich: Lance Stephenson

John Rich is a boost of energy off the bench, and a demon on the court. Rich isn't afraid to block your shot, and then talk shit to your star player. Give me 5 John Rich's and we will win the game by getting both teams kicked out of the gym. This comparison is ready to change to Latrell Sprewell if John Rich ever ends up choking head coach Chris Klemmer, which would be completely warranted, and has almost come to fruition a few times on the sideline.

Eric Hubbs: Aaron Craft

The guy you want on your roster, but would never in a million years want to play against. While he isn't necessarily a stat sheet stuffer, Hubbs will embarrass you on the court. This is a man you absolutely HATE having to deal with. Not in a Tommy Smokes way where he is a potential locker room cancer, but because he is relentless, and does everything right on both sides of the ball.

Harry How. Getty Images.

Matthew Jenks: Chris Kramer

This is a deep cut, but anyone that was a fan of a school in the Big Ten from 2006-2010 wants this man DEAD. Which is a massive compliment to his playing style. Two guys that personally don't care in the slightest about scoring on offense. It's Defense, Defense, Defense. When either of these players step onto the court you are in a 94'' by 50'' prison cell. If they are guarding you - welcome to hell, buddy.

While you can't find highlights of his play on the internet, you remember him forever from your nightmares.