The Idea Of Purdue Winning A National Title Makes Me Want To Puke My Guts Out

Vibbs4/08/2024 5:20 PM

What do I do?!? God, Jebus, Jersey Jerry I'm begging you to send me a sign. Purdue plays in the national title game tonight, and as a fan of the Indiana Hoosiers, I'm sick to my stomach. What if the Boilermakers actually pull off the win and become *dry heaving* the 2024 NCAA Champions.

Purdue has dominated the Hoosiers over the last few decades in every essentially every basketball statistic since IU's loss to Maryland in the 2002 title game, but IU fans are able to drone Banners! as the knockout punch. If Purdue wins, they'll be able to give IU fans a taste of their own medicine. The shit talking will be ruthless, an entire year of being the reigning champions, but it wont stop there. It will go on until IU has post season success. Granted 5 > 1, but the Hoosiers' banners have gathered a thick coating of dust. A banner from this millennium will be the final stone in Purdue's trash talk infinity gauntlet that can snap Indiana fans into oblivion in an instant.

So how does an IU fan cope? I flirted with the possibility of unplugging the television, powering down all electronics, and going to bed at 8pm. Oh, there was a game last night? I didn't even watch. Unfortunately, living the rest of my life in denial, hiding from the truth doesn't seem plausible.

Maybe I shouldn't worry? UConn winning seems like the most likely outcome. The Huskies are 6.5 point favorites, they've beaten everyone by double digits, and Purdue's sophomore point guard hasn't been playing championship basketball.

BUT THEN YOU REALIZE THE COSMOS ARE LINING UP THE MOON AND THE STARS TO GENERATE 100 YEAR BLACK MAGIC FOR THE PURDUE BOILERMAKERS

The path of totality (sick name) of the solar eclipse is passing right through the heartland of Indiana, which will give the university that prides itself on moon landings, and sending astronauts into space, special astrological powers. You can't convince me otherwise. With the universe literally against UConn, I've decided to take shallow, disgusting measures to supply myself with enough copium to survive a Purdue victory - I'm going to emotionally hedge this game by betting the Purdue money line.

I could bet the spread and have the best of both worlds with a Uconn win and Purdue cover, but I'm going the moneyline route. If the universe wasn't plotting against UConn, betting the spread with UConn would be a no brainer, but this a one in a billion circumstance that calls for doing something drastic. If Purdue wins l'll always be able to say, well at least I won $$$ off that horrible, terrible, no good, very bad day.

If UConn wins, we can all go to sleep knowing that even with the cosmos on Purdue's side, the Boilers still lost.

Ugh. I absolutely hate the position I'm in with this game. Maybe I will simply live under a rock for the next decade if PU wins. Hopefully, by the the time I emerge, Indiana basketball won't stink.