BREAKING NEWS: Coach Klemmer Rips Into Barstool Basketball Team During A Closed Door Meeting
AP News (Manhattan, New York) Players gathered in the Barstool radio room on Monday morning for a mandatory team meeting called by head coach Chris Klemmer. The roster went into the meeting unsure of the reasoning for the assembly, but from second the meeting started, to the moment the meeting ended, jaws were on the floor.
"We are an undefeated team. Winning is fun. If you don't like winning, leave." shouted the winningest coach in Barstool Rec League history, Chris Klemmer, to a confused looking room of faces.
But, after the brief ten minute meeting, the head coach said all he needed to say to his team. With Barstool coming off a tie game, Klemmer doesn't like the direction his still technically undefeated team (2-0-1) is headed. There is a rift in the locker room, and it starts with the bench.
The bench mob has been so open about their attempt at staging a coup d'etat that fans are starting to refer to the rotational players as the Central Intelligence Agency. If the players are the CIA, then that makes Klemmer - Fidel Castro. Impervious to the attempts on his life coaching job, he only grows stronger.
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So far the career assassination attempts are as follows
- outdated style of play - more 3's
- not enough minutes for players
- no one is having fun
Klemmer addressed each one of these in the meeting, the first being the outdated style of play. You want to shoot 3's, and not play like it's 1950, but you guys can't hit them, said Coach K. Which he isn't wrong about. Last week the short handed roster went 2/17 from beyond the arc. The dismal 11% from 3 had coach confident that his close to the basket game plan is what is going to win a championship, and he let his players know if the game plan was a problem, leave the team.
Klemmer admitted it's his fault for bringing 12 people onto a rec league roster where normally you'd have 7 to 8 players max, but after several complaints about minutes he's done trying to make everyone happy. No one will be cut from the team, but no one will be accommodated. No longer will the team be doing platoon subs, it's an 8 man rotation, and the rest of the team is there for emergency scenarios. (i.e. Dana has a heart attack from carrying the team, Rico gets ejected arguing with the refs on what constitutes a charge, or Billy Football missing a game due to attending a rally for equal pay to the filipino tilt-o-whirl workers union of District 3.)
No one having fun is something Klemmer didn't understand. The team hasn't lost a game. Winning isn't everything, it's the only thing. Winning is fun. If player's want a fun coach, you can quit and play for someone else, because I'll die before I quit, said the head coach to his locker room.
If winning hasn't been the cure all for a divided locker room, will a closed door meeting be the remedy? Have players gotten the message that it's Klemmer's way, or the Gulag? Or, did this meeting only galvanize the bench into rising up to overthrow their head coach?
With the locker room turmoil potentially thwarted, or at least addressed, coach Klemmer will rely on his tried and true starters tonight to get the team back to basics, and another W in the win column.