End Of An Era: Coach Klemmer Announces This Is His Final Season Coaching Barstool Basketball
AP News (Manhattan, New York) Do NOT let this team get hot. In a game that felt as if it were being played on the surface of the sun due to the gym's air conditioner being broken, Barstool sweats out the win in the final seconds of game. Despite half the available roster of out of shape, vaping bloggers being on heart attack watch in the extreme heat, the team managed to find a way to stay undefeated (5-0-1) in their last regular season game.
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Head coach Chris Klemmer was scrambling to rearrange rotations right up until tip off due to unforeseen unavailability for several key players. The team's starting center, Billy Football, was ruled out after he decided to selfishly put his loving relationship with his girlfriend above the team, and spend his weekend doing half of one of the worst weekend activities - running a marathon.
The progression Billy Football posted of him running the half marathon made me legitimately laugh out loud. Billy went in with zero training, but wore a breath right strip like it would save him. With this kind of determination, it doesn't matter what race he's running - Billy Cotter is the guy for the job (This message approved by Billy Cotter for Congress)
Veteran guard, Rico Bosco, was a healthy scratch for the night due to load management. As the oldest player on the roster, it's important to consider the toll a full 6 game season takes on a player's belly body. After a taxing 5 point Herculean effort in last week's win, it was important to rest Bosco so he's ready come playoffs.
Wayne Jetski was listed as Billy Football's replacement, but due to wifi speeds at the office sucking dick through a straw, Jetski was forced to stay at the office past game time to upload a video. So, Gia Mariano made her first career start in place of Jetski, who was replacing Billy Football.
OFFICIAL STARTING LINEUP: Eric Hubbs, Nick Mulcahy, Marty Mush, Dana Beers, Gia Mariano
BENCH: John Rich, Tommy Smokes, Jack McGuire
DNP: Rico Bosco, Matthew Jenks, Billy Football, Wayne Jetski
There was a sense of bittersweet emotion in the sweltering hot air leading up to tip, as rumors of this being head coach Chris Klemmer's last ever regular season game due to his plans of retirement at the end of the season. Coach K has had an illustrious career as the winningest regular season rec league coach of all-time, but with a record of 0-1 in the playoffs, he's missing a post season run on his resume to make him a shoo-in basketball hall of fame candidate.
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Barstool's Big 3 of Beers, Mulcahy, and Mush were in prime form from tip - immediately putting the team ahead with a 9-0 lead. Everything was par for the course - Dana crashing the glass as the biggest tree in the forest, Mulcahy patiently finding his spots to hit his floating jumpers, and Mush driving in the lane with his one signature stutter-step move that somehow works on defenders every. single. time. Eric Hubbs was also doing his typical best Josh Hart impression of flying into the lane and grabbing boards.
A terrifying moment for the team a few minutes into the first half when Nick Mulcahy went down grabbing his ankle. The roster was already short handed for this game, but an injury to one of Barstool's stars right before the playoffs would be a devastating loss. Mulcahy bounced back up, and walked off the ankle roll. If Mulcahy was in pain, you never would have noticed, Probably thanks to the injection of adrenaline Tommy Smokes gave the arena.
With the shot clock winding down, Jack McGuire, didn't let panic set in, McGuire orchestrated a beautiful set-up pass to Smokes from the corner. Smokes heaved a shot up over his defender to drain a bucket as the shot clock hit 0. In all my years covering the game, I've never heard a pop in the arena like I did for the Smokes basket. Even the Barstool bench was on their feet cheering for the man who scored his fist points 6 games into the season.
When asked about the criticism on his shot form, Smokes said, "It might have looked like a bad shot, or complete luck, but I am the first person in the gym, last to leave, and I'm putting up thousands of shots exactly like what you saw during that play. I'm always waiting for the moment to prove my haters wrong, and it was hard to hear the haters over the cheers."
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Tommy's shot took the score to 13-4, and unfortunately the team went softer than a dude 8 bourbons deep. Barstool thought this game was in the bag with a star like Smokes on the court and got lazy. Within minutes, the opposing team brought the score to 16-13.
Thanks to co-captains Mush and Beers, the team woke up before the half and took the team on a 7-0 run.
HALFTIME SCORE 23-13
In classic fashion, team Barstool managed to keep their opponent at a bay with a consistent 10 point lead the entire second half, only to let the lead slowly dwindle until the opposing team was right back in the game. With 11.5 seconds left in the game the score was 41-37 with Nick Mulcahy at the line shooting free throws. The entire season this team's kryptonite has been the charity stripe, with the team hitting an abysmal less than 50% at the line. Mush went one for two - taking the score to 42-37.
The opposing team quickly pushed the ball down the court and drilled a 3 pointer: 42-40. You could feel the tension. Barstool wasn't playing like they were trying to win, they were playing as if they were trying not to lose.
The opposing team read the scouting report and knew they if they sent Barstool to the line, they had a shot. With 5.1 seconds left on the clock Mulcahy went back to the line, again hitting the first of two. 43-40.
Taking as little time off the clock as possible, the opposing team hit a floater in the lane, bringing the score within 1 at 43-42.
The opposing team went back to intentional fouling with 1.8 on the clock, sending Mulchay back to the line. The first free throw went up - miss.
With less than 2 seconds on the clock the move was to intentionally brick the free throw and let time expire. Mulcahy put up the shot and bricked it like harder than a Stool Mintzy wristwatch.
The clock hit double zero and Barstool managed to eke out the win. Relief. Barstool stays undefeated on the season.
With the playoffs starting in 3 weeks, Coach Klemmer has stressed the team will be getting in practices to keep the rust off and figure out their free throw problem. The entire roster should be available for the playoff run that begins May 13th, which will be needed due to the entirety of the playoffs (including championship) being played on the same day. Everyone will be needed to keep legs fresh.
RICO REWARDS PROGRAM
Hardhat (hustle): John Rich
Windex (rebounds): Dana Beers
Pad Lock (defense): Nick Mulcahy