Alex Cooper's Wedding Was A Fairytale Featuring A Beautiful Prince Who Deserves A Deeper Study

Some people have it all, man. If you had any doubt as to whether Alex Cooper's wedding would be the most tasteful, magical, understated-yet-otherworldly gala of the century, you can put those doubts to rest. Thanks to Vogue, we've been given a little window into this intimate affair. And if a picture says 1,000 words, these Vogue photos say there are hundreds of thousands of would-be brides who will soon be telling their wedding planners "I want the Alex Cooper wedding." 

It was only a short year ago that I wrote a breakdown of her engagement:

Suffice it to say, I'm not surprised whatsoever that she was able to put this thing together in a year. After all, you don't make $487 million annualy from Spotify by being disorganized! By not having a clear vision and the wherewithal to manifest it! 

Now, we've done more than enough glazing of Alex Cooper at this place for a lifetime. So I'm going to shift focus here and honor the unsung complement to the father of DaddyGang: her new husband, Mr. Alex Cooper. Aka Matt. Matt Kaplan. The boy next door. Who happens to be a hard 12 and an incredible success story in his own right. 

Sweet Jesus. If there's a better looking man, I'm yet to meet him. It's like Tom Brady and Ben Affleck had a baby who grew up to play quarterback at Columbia before becoming a massively successful movie and TV producer worth an estimated $50 million on his own! And that's before he snagged the comeliest hand in all of media—a hand that holds the keys to Spotify's gigantic podcasting treasure chest. 

Speaking of chest, excuse me? 

Holy mother of ideal pectoral symmetry, holy father of fortuitous nipple placement. We're really putting the "rope" in "power couple" with those sinewy traps, pecs, lates, bis, and tris. That's a dude who's just as comfortable sliding beneath the undercarriage of a Pontiac GTO as he is sliding into the awkward slant of a decline bench press. I don't see a hair on his body, probably because it's all planted deeply, safely, and securely into that fortified hairline. And if I know Matty K as well as I think I do, he's not the type to groom it to the skin; he's just one of those body-hairless, jacked specimens who appears perfectly at home in the ocean. Like he was born to it, this amphibious salamander. Nobody hand him a towel. Let him air dry for the love of God. 

I mean honestly, where do you get off with hair like this? 

But actually Matt. Where do you get off. 

Of course they got the Vogue treatment. If you're not deep in the wedding game, a Vogue spread of your wedding is the highest endorsement. Not that there was ever any doubt that Alex Cooper and this fucking barrel of perfection wouldn't make the cut. 

You ever wonder what it took for God to make a guy like this? I picture that God is up there like in the old NBA 2K games where you'd create your own player, and he's got a certain amount of credit to use in making a crop of people. But on this day, God decided to throw all the points on one dude— 99 speed, 99 jaw, 99 brains. Which means there are like 49 other people from this same batch who are absolutely fucking HIDEOUS, STUPID, AND DROOLING their way through life. 

Next time you see someone so ugly they take your breath away, just know that person might be the castoff counterpart to Alex Cooper's husband. 

Congratulations to the newlyweds. A beautiful day for a beautiful couple. Matt, let's get a workout in sometime. I can meet you anywhere really, but preferably downtown. 

PS- I wish they'd shown a few pictures of the dessert selection. That's how I typically judge a wedding. Maybe in the coming days.