I Need To Attend More Galas

Hey NYC- next time you're hosting a gala, I'm in. I love all the causes, all the charities, all the silent auctions. I'll put on my best suit and tie, shine my shoes, and walk the red carpet like you read about. The cool thing about my best suit, by the way, is I only have 1 suit. I've worn it to everything- weddings, funerals, Barstool Awards at Dunkin' Donuts, etc. And now I'm ready to wear it to a gala. 

Everyone knows the creme de la creme of the galla world is the Met Gala. That's where all the most important celebrities in the world gather to do blow in the bathroom and have wild orgies in the name of giving back. They put on outrageous costumes and prance around acting all high and mighty, and honestly, I want in. There's something about dressing up and *knowing* you're better than all the peasants at home. I don't want that life all the time, just once or twice a year. You can be the manliest beer drinking, truck driving, power tool wielding man in the world, but dressing up for a special occasion always feels good every so often.

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Plus, let's be serious- I need to go to a gala so I can meet my future wife. I believe her name is Emily Ratajkowski.

Taylor Hill. Getty Images.

Gotham. Getty Images.

Theo Wargo. Getty Images.

Theo Wargo. Getty Images.

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If only I was there last night, things would be different! 

Maybe next year! Hit me up galas (and/or Emily Ratajkowski)!