What if the Celtics Had Won the Draft Lottery?
One of the most overused, cliched, tried-and-true themes of Hollywood movies is “Protagonist feels sorry for self. Wishes for something to happen. Wish is granted. All hell breaks loose (or if a comedy, “wackiness ensues”). Hero realizes they had everything they ever needed all along. There is hugging, learning and tears. The end. Roll credits.” It’s been used in all the beloved, classic films: “The Wizard of Oz,” “It’s a Wonderful Life,” “Liar, Liar.” As movie themes go, it’s right behind war, cops & robbers, and “Adam Sandler as a mildly retarded loser with a heart of gold who gets the girl” in terms how many times it’s been used.
And it gets used so often because it’s a universal theme. At some point it’s happened to every one of us. You get what you wish for and in no time your life is careening out of control like a Fung Wa bus. That car you always wanted is such a bucket o’ bolts, three months into the loan you’re praying someone steals it. You land your dream job only to find out the last three guys who had it blew their brains out, and you understand why. You pick up a girl, go back to her place, and she turns out to be a guy. Like I said, it’s happened to us all. So be careful what you wish for.
But one in history has benefitted more from NOT getting what he wanted than Danny Ainge. This year’s unanimous NBA Executive of the Year is the greatest example ever of a guy falling out of a tree and landing on his feet. It was exactly this time last year, while the NBA “haves” were going at it in the first round of the playoffs, Ainge and the rest of us were combing through Draft Lottery ping pong ball algorithms trying to act like we had a clue. When in fact there’s not one of us who could pass the 7th grade math MCAS. All we knew is the Celtics needed to land Greg Oden or Kevin Durant, otherwise the franchise would be wandering in the desert for another ten years and Ainge would likely be out of a job.
Instead we all know how the story went. Fortune not only laughed in Danny’s face, she gave him a knee to the pills for good measure. The ping pong balls gave the C’s the almost worthless 5th pick. But instead of crying in his non-alcoholic beer, Ainge went to work and did nothing less than put together the greatest single offseason any executive ever has in the history of Boston sports. That’s not hyperbole. Think about it. What break did Danny get? What bit of luck befell him? I say none. Everything good thing that’s happened to the Celts since the draft lottery ... and there have been a lot of them... has been the result of shrewd, ballsy decisions by Danny Ainge. Period. The Ray Allen trade. Drafting Big Baby Davis in the 2nd round. Kevin Garnett. Eddie House. James Posey. All worked out and resulted in the greatest turnaround in NBA history.
The only lucky break Ainge caught was from beingunlucky in the lottery. He’s like the antipodean of Hurley from “Lost.” Which is enough to make you wonder what would’ve happened if we had all gotten what we all wanted in the first place:
May 22, 2007. After a season of futility and months of hoping and praying, the Celtics land the 1st pick in the NBA Draft Lottery. Thousands of drunken Celts fans riot at Bob’s stores in the crush to get Greg Oden #20 C’s jerseys. Tickets for the season sell out in 2 ½ minutes.
June 28. Ainge rejects all trade offers and the C’s make it official by drafting Oden. In the 2nd round he takes Gabe Pruitt but makes no other deals.
June 29th. The newest Celtic is introduced in the Garden to a throng of media approximately size of the Vatican City Easter Address. The Boston Pops plays “Ode to Joy.” Doves are released. Babies throughout the region are being named “Greg” or “Oden.” People in Oden’s presence leap from their wheelchairs, able to walk once again. The blind can see.
June 30th. Oden’s honeymoon in the Boston press starts to subside. Bob Ryan starts to wonder how long it will take Oden to learn the ropes. Glen Ordway spends each weekday afternoon screaming that you need a veteran team to win in this league. Shaughnessy writes about Larry Bird since he’s never seen Oden play. Ainge is being asked if he’s confident Doc Rivers is the right coach for such a young team.
July 1st. Oden throws out the first pitch at Fenway. Few notice the little limp or the way he seems to be favoring his right knee.
August 1st . Garnett is traded to the Knicks. Two days later they acquire Allen and Posey as well.
Sept. 14th. Oden has microfracture surgery on his ailing knee. Ainge and Rivers announce he’ll miss the season, but say they’re confident their lineup of Ryan Gomes, Gerald Green, Al Jefferson, Theo Ratliff and Paul Pierce will be “competitive” while the press corps laughs derisively. Afterward, Danny and Doc sprint back to their offices, each trying to beat the other to phone to call TBS and ask for their old job back.
Oct 1st. Training camp in Rome. An inexperienced, overmatched Celtics team continues to get pounded by 20 points on a nightly basis. Doc preaches the concept of team unity, of “Ubuntu,” but an increasingly disgruntled Pierce doesn’t hear it because he’s out at a Rome nightclub where he gets injured in a brawl. The bar fight creates an international incident and Italy and the US cut diplomatic ties.
Oct. 6th. London. More 20 point losses. The British people are insulted by the disgusting exhibition of basketball and the appalling lack of effort. Crowds storm Parliament demanding action. In an emergency session, the House of Lords passes laws that makes it illegal for anyone in England to play any sport that involves the use of hands. The Queen declares that her ancestors were right; the Celtics should’ve been wiped off the face of the Earth generations ago while everyone claps politely.
Nov 3. Opening Night. The C’s lose to Washington. Point Guard Rajon Rondo has 0 assists and 6 turnovers before being benched 8 minutes into the game. The 18.624 people stuck with tickets they bought in May start chanting “Fire Doc!” a minute later.
Dec 31st. The Celtics are off to a horrific start, routinely getting blown out by the dregs of the NBA. Attendance dwindles. A game again Toronto draws less than 8,000 people and the C’s brass responds by back-dating a fake press release which welcomes fans out to “Come Dressed Like an Empty Seat Night.”
Feb 1st, 2008. Paul Pierce leads the team in every statistical category and continues to deny reports he wants to be traded. The denials are met with skepticism as he delivers them with all the sincerity and cheerfulness of a guy in an Al Qaeda hostage video.
Feb. 13th . With the team in a tailspin, Danny gives Doc Rivers a vote of confidence.
Feb 14th . Doc Rivers is fired. Ainge takes over as interim coach.
Feb 29th. The C’s have the worst record in the league. Garden grows emptier and more depressing with each passing game. 6,000 show up on “‘We’re Only Five Years Away From Being Competitive’ T-shirt Night”
March 1st. The first place Knicks sign the only missing piece of their championship puzzle: back up point guard Sam Cassel, virtually assuring Isiah Thomas will be win the Executive of the Year award. Tears of real blood miraculously appear on the statue of Red Auerbach.
April 1st. “The Celtics Dancers Show Nipple Night” draws 5,000. Danny Ainge is fired. Ironically, TBS has no openings for him because they just hired Doc Rivers.
April 30th. The Celtics finish with the worst record in the NBA. Fans begin counting down the days to the NBA Draft Lottery where the C’s have a 35% chance of getting the top pick, and hope this time, they get lucky.