We Have A Good Old Fashioned Pirated Pirate Porn Controversy At Barstool Sports HQ’s
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So yesterday I got the above letter from Comcast saying that somebody had illegally downloaded some Pirate Porn on our servers. Intern Simon was quick to throw Big Cat under the bus. When I called Big Cat out on it during the Rundown he had no idea what I was talking about. However he then pointed the finger at Nate for doing a Pirate Porn MFK. Well Nate sent me this email today…
Nate’s Email
something fishy going on with this letter thing. we get letters like that to my house all the time b/c my roommate torrents stuff. fairly sure they only send it when something is downloaded from your IP illegally…add in that Simon was very, very quick to throw Dan under the bus and I have a full blown conspiracy on my hands. either way, i took down the mfk. hilarious if that’s what we actually get popped for. i’m not completely sold on that though.
Guess what? The more I thought about it Nate is right. Somebody else confirmed it via twitter as well
That letter wasn’t about his MFK. It clearly says somebody ripped or illegally downloaded this porno with our Comcast service. Somebody in my office. Someobdy right under my nose. Somebody who watched all the finger pointing and mud slinging yesterday and sat silently by with a pirate boner. That’s what that letter is about. Once again our office is thrust into a good old fashioned who done it. Who is illegally downloading porn on our servers and letting Big Cat and Nate take the rap? That’s what I got to find out.
Prime Suspects
Handsome Hank (Even Money)
Do I need to even explain why he is the prime suspect here? He has zero moral compass. He has a proven track record of doing devious things. Of being deceitful, dishonest, and borderline schizophrenic. And as I replay this incident in my mind from yesterday I can’t help but think he was laughing a little bit too hard when this all went down. Almost like he knew what was happening and was relishing in the moment. He also has the technology to pull off this caper as he’s our “rip” guy. All signs point to yet another underhanded criminal act by the one they call Handsome Hank.
Simon (2-1)
A huge red flag is how quickly Simon threw Dan under the bus yesterday. The million dollar question is was it too quickly? All I know is I’ve said maybe 20 words to him all summer. For him to pipe up and suddenly get chatty about this Pirate Porn thing is beyond suspicious. I just don’t know if he has the balls to blame Dan when he knew it was him all along and then come defend himself on the rundown. If he did then I’ve never underestimated anybody more than I’ve underestimated him. But again the second I said “pirate” he knew exactly what I was talking about. He also looks like a HUGE porn guy.
Milmore (9-1)
Cartoon guys are strange birds in general. And I don’t recall him really chiming in on this pirate controversy yesterday. Sometimes it’s the quiet guys that you have to worry about the most. Also what makes him a legitimate suspect is that besides Hank he is our other “rip” guy. If somebody is going to rip a video off the internet it’s Milmore or Hank. And if it was Milmore all bets are off on him. He replaces Hank as most unpredictable guy in the office. Borderline psycho scary.
Feits (20-1)
He’s got to be considered a suspect just based on the fact that when we started talking about this controversy yesterday he seemed insulted that I didn’t know what Pirates Porn was. Paraphrasing here I think he said “Bro it’s like the most famous porn ever made.” So clearly he was aware of it and he’s also a big porn guy by his own admission. The only thing that is keeping me from saying it was him is I think he’d admit it? Maybe I’m giving him too much credit here, but I feel like I broke Feits like a rancher breaks a wild horse. He knows not to lie to my face.
Louis (27-1)
Just doesn’t strike me as a traditional porn guy. Pirates doesn’t seem like it would be his thing. Strikes me as somebody who would be into really wacky porn.
Sales Guy (50-1)
If it’s Sales Guy it would be like Usual Suspects. The greatest trick the devil ever played was convincing the world he didn’t exist. By all accounts Sales Guy has no practical use or skills to Barstool other than I trust him 100%. I’m actually not in the office today so I made him call me from a private location to help gather clues because he’s the only one I can trust. So if it’s him then everything I know is no longer true. Up is down and black is white. Let’s hope it wasn’t Sales Guy for the sake of the company.