Here Is Your Guide To What Happened To FIFA Today And Why They Are But Aren't Fucked -- Probably
Sam’s Guide to Why FIFA is but isn’t Fucked — Probably
Mmmmmmmmmm’yellow there Stoolie nation.
Some of you might know me as the guy who posts overly loquacious blogs about lawn fairies on a weekly basis. Others may remember me as “that guy I hated from the World Cup” last summer. And plenty of you probably wouldn’t recognize me from Adam (or Eve).
Hi, I’m S-s-s-s-s-sam
Regardless of how/if we’ve been acquainted, here’s what I am right now: the guy who is about to give you the lowdown on what the hell is going on with FIFA – and what it does and does not mean for soccer (and for you!) going forward. Figured we might as well do this in a Q&A format because extended sentences and long paragraphs can be scary.
Also, because JJ asked so nicely, I’ll include a nice little executive summary… at the bottom, to make you work for it.
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WHAT HAPPENED TODAY?
The Swiss authorities – at the behest of the FBI and US Justice Department (from here on known collectively as the US mother fuckin’ A) – arrested some mid-level FIFA officials who were gathered at… wait for it… an “elegant five-star property with views of the Alps and Lake Zurich” because that’s what FIFA does: makes money off of the world’s love of soccer and spends it however the fuck they want. In addition to the six arrests, criminal investigations have also been opened into the awarding of the 2018 World Cup (to Russia) and 2022 World Cup (to Qatar).
WC22 Opening Ceremony
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WHY THE FUSS?
FIFA is one of the richest organizations in the world. It is also one of the most corrupt organizations in the world. Everybody knows this but nobody has done much of anything about it for decades. Under Sepp Blatter, who has led FIFA since he bought an election in 1998, the organization has become rotten to the core, but because they have more money than all of Africa and do not hesitate to pay off or threaten into submission anybody who opposes them, they have been allowed to go on about their business.
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BUT WHY NOW?
Because FIFA – and specifically Blatter – got too big for their britches and fucked with the wrong country. The USA was the leading contender to host the 2022 World Cup but FIFA allowed Qatar to steal it by bribing enough of its members into voting to host the event in the middle of a god damn desert.
Almost immediately there were widespread whispers suggesting what everybody with a brain already knew: Qatar bought the World Cup (Russia likely did as well, essentially stealing it from England, but at least the Russkis have some stadiums ready to go and aren’t – you know – located in a fucking desert so it can at least be sort of accepted as not completely ridiculous.)
As a result, the FBI finally got involved (along with the DOJ and IRS and who knows what other federales) and spearheaded an investigation that has brought us to where we are today.
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YAY! HAPPY DAY! SO FIFA IS TOTALLY FUCKED?
No, not necessarily.
“Wait, what????”
Listen, anybody who has followed soccer for years know that Blatter is a wily bastard. There are a lot of comparisons being made between Blatter and Roger Goodell online right now and they are just plain dumb. Roger Goodell is basically a walking, talking stooge for the NFL owners who – while money hungry and self-aggrandizing – are not all that corrupt (not when it comes to football anyway).
Blatter, on the other hand, is a walking, talking poster child for the maxim that “Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.” He got where he is today by buying votes, peddling influence and silencing enemies, and – at least up until today – he believed he was all but untouchable by government authorities. (Anybody who hasn’t but wants to learn more about Blatter needs to watch the recent E:60 documentary done by Jeremy Schaap on ESPN.)
This is the kind of chutzpah that may ultimately lead to the downfall of Blatter (and thus FIFA as we know it). But for right now, anybody who has followed the situation for more than just the last few months — let alone the last 24 hours — knows that Blatter is corrupt, he is sexist, he is deluded – but he is not a dumbass. He will have insulated himself from the dirty politics of the vote-buying with many, many layers of essentially middle managers (like the six who were just arrested), ALL of whom are getting rich as hell thanks to the very corruption that Blatter helps facilitate.
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WILL BLATTER LOSE THIS WEEK’S ELECTION FOR FIFA PRESIDENT?
Hahahahahahahaha. No. No he will not. The fact that this DEFCON11-level shitstorm just hit the fan the week of the election for the next FIFA President, and yet Blatter is still the odds-on favorite to win says every single thing you need to know about the organization. Right now bookies have Blatter’s chance of winning at (2-5), while his only rival, Prince Ali bin Al-Hussein, is listed at (7-4).
The smart money is on Blatter. So is mine.
Me? Lose? Ya’oooooooooooooooooooooookay guy.
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DOES THIS AT LEAST MEAN WE GET THE WORLD CUP?
Ah yes, the only question anybody actually cares about. Short answer: probably not.
Listen, I want the US to get the World Cup – ALL the World Cups – as much, if not more, than the next guy. But the fact is that FIFA is like a hydra that can grow an infinite number of heads and until somebody chops off Blatter it will continue to function as the corrupt POS organisation it is
Don’t believe me? When in doubt check with the people who are putting their money on the line: bookies.
Right now the odds that Russia will host the 2018 World Cup are listed at a healthy (1-6)… followed by England and Portugal/Spain.
The 2022 World Cup is slightly more up in the air for a number of reasons (including there still being plenty of time to switch, the hundreds [and counting] of deaths among migrant workers living in slavish conditions, the fact the USA wants it and perhaps the fact that we’re talking about playing a soccer tournament in the middle of a fucking desert?) but Qatar is still listed as the favorites at (1-3)… followed by the USA (3-1) and Australia (8-1).
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WHAT COULD BRING LEGITIMATE CHANGES TO FIFA?
It is certainly not outside the realm of possibility that the ongoing FBI-led investigation eventually topples Blatter. My guess is it won’t.
Instead, it will come down to the only language that FIFA speaks: money, meaning the general public will have to put enough pressure on corporate sponsors (some of whom are already pulling out or showing signs of wanting to do so), thus threatening the organization’s financial lifeblood, which will “organically” force Blatter to step aside.
Now you know who to blame
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SO WHAT HAPPENS NOW?
I’ve been jaded by too many “allegations” and “investigations” to really expect that this will force wholesale changes within FIFA. Make no mistake, having the FBI on your ass is totally different ball of wax than having some documentary makers chase you around. And there will undoubtedly be some more arrests of FIFA members but eventually the hubbub will pass, the media will focus on other things, hundreds more migrants workers will die building Qatari stadiums, and – to reiterate – ultimately the World Cups will be held as planned in Russia and somewhere in the middle of a fucking desert.
I could be wrong. I want to be wrong. Religion isn’t really my thing but I’d be willing to pray that I’m wrong if it would help kick Blatter’s ass to the curb. But this is FIFA we’re talking about. Until proven otherwise, it is fair to assume that the organization – aka Sepp Blatter – is untouchable.
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Executive summary: FIFA is a piece of shit organization that finally got a little too big for its britches, poked the wrong bear (ie, stole something from the wrong country) and got bitch-smacked. But ultimately – until proven otherwise – any expectations for major changes from FIFA or its president-cum-dictator Sepp Blatter are fanciful.
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So there you have it. That’s where we stand for now. For those of you hoping I will disappear from the Stoolie universe, bad news: I’m wilier than Blatter. I’ll be back with posts on things like the finals of the FA Cup and Champions League, plus there will be more than enough international soccer (WWC, Copa America, Gold Cup) and the MLS to keep me “employed” for a while longer.
So sowwy.
One for the road
Holler,
Samuel Q. Army