Australia Has Closed Its Beaches Due To A Megalithic Shark Roaming The Coast

(Image is not to scale. I think.)

AUSSIE – Beaches on Australia’s east coast will likely remain closed for a record sixth day after repeated sightings of a giant great white shark, The Telegraph reports. The shark, which is estimated to be 5 meters (16 feet) in length and weigh 1.7 tons (3,750 pounds), is the largest ever seen around Newcastle beaches, the city council said in a statement. A shark of this size could “bite a person in half,” a beach inspector told Australian Associated Press (AAP). “You don’t get a second chance with these things,” he added.

NOPE. And people call me a pussy when I admit I never venture past my crotch while in the ocean. That place is deadly. This isn’t your Jersey Shore where the worst thing you have to fear is swallowing a mouthful of piss or getting pricked by a needle contaminated with Hep-C. This is Down Under. They don’t shut down for your average Joe of a predator. It’s a place that doesn’t close its shit for normal great white sharks, the most venomous snakes in the world and killer freaking jellyfish, and they’re shutting down their beaches for this man-eater.

Fucking Australia. Anything goes down there. It wouldn’t surprise me if this thing evolved to legitimately attack the land via tornado. You want to save your little Queensland isle? Dig up Quint and he’ll deliver the shark. The head, the tail, the whole damn thing.