Key DEA Informant Describes Meeting El Chapo: "He Had A Naked Man Chained To A Tree and He Made Fun Of My Jean Shorts"

New York (CNN) – A key informant in the case against Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman testified in federal court on Tuesday, highlighting his meetings with the reputed cartel boss and the bloody drug war that drove him to cooperate with investigators.

Pedro Flores, who operated a cocaine and heroin distribution business with his twin brother Margarito in Chicago, said he made recordings, which included a conversation with Guzman’s son.

I’ve said it about these guys, I’ll say it again: the fact that they’re alive to testify is unbelievable.  That’s something you wake up every morning smelling the roses and basking in the sunshine, because it’s almost statistically impossible that you’re not smelling the dirt on top of your shallow grave.  We’ve watched TV.  We know what happens to rats.

Anyway as far as El Chapo encounters go, this is just about as well as you can expect it go.  Been a lot of horror stories, a LOT worse meetings.  Like the dude who didn’t gives Chapo daps so he shot him in the head.  All things considered just seeing a naked guy chained up to a tree and getting ribbed about your jorts is a great meeting.

…Flores described the first time he met Guzman, in Mexico in May 2005.

He and his brother hopped on a plane that could carry only four or five passengers. The plane landed in the mountains on a runway that was on an upward incline, which made him nervous.

He soon became more nervous when on the drive to meet Guzman, he spotted a man, naked and chained on the side of the road, someone he presumed had run afoul of the cartel.

When he finally met Guzman, the kingpin made a crack about Flores’ jean shorts.

“He said with all that money I couldn’t afford the rest of my pants,” Flores said in court. [CNN]

That’s just some friendly trash talk, just guys being dudes.  I used to make fun of Pat’s jorts all the time. Buddy stuff.

Guzman needs to lighten up. This isn’t the movies man.

During his last meeting with Guzman, Flores testified, he told him about how nervous he was meeting him for the first time.

He told Guzman, “I had this idea like in the movies. You had a line of people shooting them in the head and saying, ‘Next.’ “

Guzman and the armed men surrounding him all broke out in laughter.

“He said in a serious tone ‘no,'” Flores said. ” ‘Only to the ones we have to.’ “

Now you’re one of the ones he has to, you jort wearing rat.