Research Shows The Average Dick Size For Each World Cup Country #PrayForJapan

Let’s go back to 4 years ago. The World Cup. The USA having games in the middle of the afternoon during an otherwise dull Summer. Bars packed to the brim with drunk hooligans taking off work to drink 8-15 beers and go nuts about soccer. That’s what the World Cup is all about. It didn’t matter if you knew any of the players or what formation they should use to slow down Ghana’s attack, it was 90 minutes of boozing, drinking, yelling, and having a great time in the name of America.

Now let’s fast forward back to the present.

This World Cup though, I’ve barely watched a minute of it. And not because I’m some anti-soccer hardo- I don’t mind soccer. I’ll watch it if I feel like it and enjoy it. But not having the US of A to root for sucks.

So how do you pick a team to root for? Based on where your great great great grandparents were from? Meh. Based on where the best food comes from? Maybe, but again, that would be America and Italy didn’t make it either. So here’s a new way: Dick size.

Wow! Colombia dominating the field with their massive dongs! Colombia: Big cocaine, bigger cocks.

Senegal finished 7th, but still are probably going to want a recount.

England and Spain finished much lower than I thought they would, but at least they are still above France, so they have that going for them.

And then coming up just short, South Korea and our poor pals in Japan. 2.4 inches shorter than Colombian dicks, woof.

Thank you, Hims, for the fantastic insight into what REALLY matters at the World Cup.