Contrary To A Fake News Story Published Earlier Today, I Think That Eating Dogs Is Actually Bad
I don’t know how many people read Chaps’ unprovoked and unwarranted hit piece on me from earlier today or just skimmed through the website and saw the headline, but I am here to clear my good name on this smut blog. For the people that did read the blog, you saw the end where Chaps admitted this was all a hoax and a ruse to get a rise out of me. I’m always down for a good prank. But being called a dog eater on the internet falls closer to D’Angelo Russell’s idea of a prank than Jim Halpert’s. I have people tweeting me pictures of sad dogs like I am that psychopath All Business Pete (no offense Pete).
And you want to know the most fucked up thing about it is? CHAPS IS THE ONE THAT PROMOTED EATING DOGS ON PODFATHERS! He talks all about it in the podcast. Listen to it. Go ahead, I’ll wait.
Okay so now that you listened, are you ready to apologize for any rash judgments you made about me? Chaps said that he would eat a dog even if he wasn’t starving but was in a “meh, I could eat” on a Friday afternoon. This is the same guy that is on the record saying that he enjoys pissing on dogs to declare himself the alpha and drinks pumpkin beers in August. You can’t trust a guy like that. Chaps is also an admitted freak in the sheets. I don’t know if that makes him a dog eater, but I imagine people that eat dogs have a huge sex repertoire. Oh yeah and I can’t ignore Chaps’ apparent love of his cat.
Unc may have two dogs, but it was Kitty Chaps that was in the picture of him bragging about his fancy new chaise lounge. And we all know you can definitely not trust cat people.
Chaps is a warrior. But he is also a trickster and a shapeshifter (1 Clem Quarter to anyone that understood that reference). Before he was writing for Barstool, Chaps was getting paid Retweets and Twitter Likes by tricking people into thinking he was breaking stories as Adam Schefter or Ian Rapaport.
Again, are you going to believe the words that come out of that man’s blogging/Twitter fingers?
Me? I’m just a boring fat guy that loves snack food and the occasional missionary sex. I came in 2nd place for Nicest Guy in my high school senior superlatives and don’t even hold a grudge to the guy that came in first. I may not own a dog, but that’s because I know I would be shitty dog owner. Not because I would eat it, but because I would be too lazy to walk and play with it. I did however get my daughter a fake dog that she could play with and even helped build a house for it, even though it is always barking and bothering the shit out of everybody.
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Am I perfect? Of course not. Far from it. But I am no dog eater. Just because I am fat doesn’t mean I eat anything that is in front of me like a slightly rounder and much paler Pac Man. I am actually a pretty picky eater when it comes to meat. I don’t stray outside of your basic chicken, beef, or pork. My weakness is complex carbs. And last I checked dog meat is not commonly found in a bag of chips or chocolate.
Chaps on the other hand is probably laughing his ass off while eating a dog paw from his local pound, thinking how he fooled all the Stoolies just like he did during his Twitter shapeshifting days. I love Chaps, but I think I deserve an apology from him as well.
Does this look like the face of a guy that enjoys eating dogs?
Does this look like the face of a guy that enjoys eating dogs?
You tell me.
And for people waiting until the end of the blog to listen to the podcast, we also talked about which NFL and college coaches would be the best dads, lamented on how much dads love talking about weather, and had a very special Uncle Chaps Challenge for all the members of our Podfamily. Oh yeah and we touched on eating humans and asses. Things occasionally go off the rails when KFC isn’t on the podcast.