64-Year-Old Christie Brinkley is Not Playing Fair

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The current state of Christie Brinkley is doing nothing less than giving me an existential crisis.

The woman in these photos is 64 years old. At the beginning of February she turns 65. That’s the age most Americans are eligible to live off their pensions and 401ks. When men start wearing fishing hats and calling their wives “Mother,” as in “I’ll have it fixed in a jiffy, Mother. I just gotta grab mah Phillips head and I’ll be right there.” On their 65th birthdays, women traditionally put clear plastic rain kerchiefs on their heads, go out to early bird specials and loudly ask their husbands, “Did you remember to take your Beano?!?” (Note: That happened. I have witnesses.) They don’t put on bikinis and pose for glamour shots. But behold:

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OK, I acknowledge that Christie’s had some work done and has that Joker Face thing going on. But that’s like watching Nolan Ryan throw his 7th No-Hitter at age 44 and focusing on his two walks. As Joker Faces go, her’s is less distracting than any Real Housewife of Anywhere has ever had. But focusing on the rest, the human body is just not supposed to be preserved like this. I mean, where do you ever see a 64-year-old belly button unless you’re in the medical profession? The answer is never.

Which is where my crisis begins. I don’t mind answering to “Old Balls,” but these balls aren’t so old I want them moving at the sight of a woman who’s the age all my aunts are perpetually preserved in my memory. I shouldn’t be sexually attracted to a 64-year-old, I should be yelling inside my own head as she slowly writes a check for $11.54 at the Express register. I should be offering to help pump her gas, not priming the pump to her Instagram.

I’m totally not ready to put a woman at retirement age on my sexual attraction radar, and yet what can you do? A man is wired the way he’s wired. And this man is helpless in the face of all her GILFishness.

Ladies, the bar has been set. Jerry Gergich’s wife is what you all should be striving to become.