Summer Savings: PA Men Shove Crab Meat Down Pants & Evade Long Claw Of The Law
Is that free shellfish meat in your pants or are you just crabby to see me?
No? Fair enough.
(Full disclosure, I’m writing this from a late Philly-bound Amtrak train after a couple old fashioneds at the Penn Station TGIFridays (sadly the disco ball is still out of commission) so please don’t expect anything Hemmingway-esque.)
Where was I? Ah yes…
From The Philly Voice:
Two Pennsylvania men are accused of stealing crab meat from a Weis Markets grocery store by shoving packs of the seafood into their pants.
Haven’t these poor crabs already been through enough? You’re having a good ‘ol time snipping up a primo dead flounder on the bay floor when suddenly you’re scooped in with 1,000 of your bretheren in a moldy net. Making matters worse, you’re not even slated to go out fresh on some fun beach dock restaurant somewhere.. You get frozen & shipped to a processing plant, then packaged in a landlocked state for the grocery shelves.
And then you’re inside this guy’s nervous-sweat soaked cargo-pocketed And1 sweatpants.
Advertisement
Stressful I’m sure. Here, have a quick smoke break.
Continuing on:
The first alleged theft happened the evening of June 2, when the men entered the store on Lowther Road near Camp Hill. Police said one man put nearly $42 worth of crab meat in his pants. Then two men then left the store without paying for the items. The other man then returned to the store to return one pack of crab meat, receiving cash back.
Getting cash back for stolen seafood… that’s just too much for this Old Bae.
The second alleged theft happened the afternoon of June 4, when the same two men performed the same routine at the same store, police said.
Weis’s Loss Prevention Manager contacted the Lower Allen Township Police Department on Wednesday morning to report the retail thefts.
A double hit. Bold. These guys are feasting on stolen crab meat like there’s no consequences. Like Deadliest Catch is all fun & games for those providing us with tasty crustaceans.
After a little scrutinizing of the crab thief’s ‘fits, the Lower Allen PD noticed one of the guy’s hoodies repped the very oddly named “SS Storm Chasers” group, (who emphasizes that they are NOT directly associated with any major weather or news outlets, but just fucking love tracking weather). So we know at least one of these guys is total weather-head, but that’s about it.
Besides that small clue, the forecast appears to be clear skies & smooth sailing for the thiefs on this one. Our only hope is that the crabs get wise & start defending themselves.
Advertisement
(Again, TGIFridays old fashioneds in the basement of Penn Station & boredom on the train are to blame for this blog; I started typing & got on a real lobster-roll. Thank you for your time and have a lovely weekend.)