Quarantine Apparently Boon For Bigfoot, Moves to Oklahoma To Be Near Joe Exotic?

Let's be honest. We're all going through the steps and waves of grieving as we settle in for what looks like a long bout of "sheltering in place". Some of us are binge-watching Netflix, some of us are binge-eating every snack in sight, and pretty much everyone has gotten to the point of wartime internet horniness. I'm currently swinging back and forth between denial and bargaining.

But while the human species is obviously floundering in the midst of this pandemic, animals seem to be living their best lives, galavanting around the desolate forests and streets that would normally be swarming with people.

All over the world, there have been sightings of everything from goats, coyotes and yes, even a gang of rabid monkeys enjoying the empty tourist attractions of Thailand. While we suffer, they thrive. We shouldn't be shocked by that.

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What might surprise us is that the quarantine has brought out another species from the shadows, a mysterious animal that is now taking full advantage of the human race "sheltering in place". That motherfucker Bigfoot. Yes, you heard me right, it appears that Bigfoot is wandering around the hiking trails of Turkey Mountain, just outside of Tulsa, Oklahoma.

Who knew Bigfoot was such a big Tiger King fan???

In a report on the Turkey Mountain Urban Wilderness Area Facebook (lol), authorities confirmed that they've received multiple reports from MULTIPLE travelers who stated they spotted a "large bipedal mammal" casually strolling through the brush while they were on their hikes. 

Yes, while we're stuck at home scrolling social media on our phones with one hand, Bigfoot has set up shop in Oklahoma, mere footprints from Joe Exotic. 

Take a look at these photos for yourself and make your own decision. 

I mean if that's not Bigfoot I don't know what is. 

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Later, the Turkey Mountain Urban authorities followed up with their own Bigfoot update. To the shock of no one, they attempted to sweep it under the rug. Pshhh. 

We have looked into the matter and find no credible information to affirm the appearance of a "Bigfoot" at Turkey Mountain.

As we continue to research these appearances, please remember you are required to practice physical distancing 6ft from members outside of your household when using the trails and greenspaces for exercise and health.

Is this real life? The world was already surreal enough but now I have to know that I'm here, cooped up at home in NYC when I could be organizing a manhunt to find the world's most elusive man-monster and crack a cover-up conspiracy? 

Life is unfair. 

Talk about horrible timing. Yet another crucial sacrifice to discuss in talk-therapy. 

You know what though? Maybe it's actually better this way. We play possum for the next six months, for long enough that Bigfoot feels safe, kind of like deer on a golf course, and then once we're out of this pandemic, he won't even know what hit him. 

Strike that. Since Bigfoot is obviously a bipedal hominid and shares a huge number of commonalities with human beings (and a facial beard line up to the eyeballs like White Sox Dave), is it possible that you can catch corona from him? 

Screw that. I'm going to stay at home avoiding everyone and anything and try to make the best of it by mining the bottom of the Netflix cue and hitting up my exes. Just like everyone else. And I hope Bigfoot and Joe Exotic get to meet up and put their brains together to come up with a working plan to get back at Carole Baskin.