I'd Rather The Earth Go Extinct Than Use Paper Straws

-If God himself came down to me and said, “Hey Tommy. I’m giving you the power to make Earth paradise. The planet and nature will be protected. World hunger will end. There will be world peace and prosperity for all. But the key to all of this….is you can only use paper straws for the rest of your life.” ….. Well… Let’s just say there’d still be a lot of hungry people out there. 

-I think eating a really great meal might actually give you more sadness than happiness. Because hear me out. While you’re eating it, it’s amazing and you love every bite. But the amount of sadness you get during those last few bites, when you’re just seeing that you’re running out of food and it’s a ticking time bomb, that makes you so miserable. And seeing that empty plate get taken away? It’s horror. So for your overall mood, it might actually be a net negative. 

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-I think one official sign of being an adult is when you no longer have to call your mom and ask what’s allowed to go in the microwave and how long it should be in there for, and if it’ll blow up your apartment and/or give you cancer, and if that is the case… well then I am still not an adult. 

-A sad realization I came to is that I’m currently at a stage in my life where it’s impossible for me to get my back scratched, or tickled, or drawn on. And it sucks because it feels so goddamn good. I mean as a kid your mom can do it. But I’m obviously too old for that now. If you’re in a relationship, your significant other can do it. If you’re a girl, you can do it with your girl friends. But as a single, 25-year-old guy, I have no options. I can’t just say to my group of guy friends, “Hey you boys wanna do a back scratch sesh together?” And I don’t really want to be in a relationship right now, but I’m considering getting in one just so I can get a week of back scratches, and then break up. Or maybe there can be an app to meet people where you just scratch each other’s backs. Call it “You Scratch My Back, I’ll Scratch Yours.” That’s actually genius. 

-It’s sad that as a society, we’ve just completely lost  “Sorry my phone was off” as a valid excuse. At one time years ago, it was plausible someone shut their phone off for a bit. Now? We all know it’s on 24/7. Maybe you can try to get away with the “it died” excuse but even that is a little fishy because we all charge it immediately. But today if someone told me that The Lochness Monster and Santa Clause broke into their apartment and had a tea party and started making out and then stole their phone to take pictures and threw it out the window, I’d believe that before I’d believe that they just voluntarily shut their phone off. 

Thank you for your time. 

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