Knee Jerk Reactions to Week 8: Patriots vs. Dolphins

Things to consider while shedding a single, masculine, Spartacus-like tear for the state of American manhood:

--We can think of this one as yet another game this Patriots team could've won but instead found a way to lose. And believe me, that's what I intend to spend the next couple of thousands of words doing. But years from now, historians teaching our future leaders at Football War College will merely look back on this one as yet another battle lost to a superior opponent. That yes, there were other factors involved that we're about to get into. But the major factor was the significant gap in athletic talent across the line of scrimmage from them. So that, while a game like this is theoretically winnable, in order to be one everything has to work out perfectly. Like it did in the American Revolution. The War of the Ring. The Rebel Alliance. North Vietnam. 

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--And this one was far, far from perfect. Calamitous defensive breakdowns. A disastrous red zone turnover. An inability to handle Miami's coverage schemes. And it didn't help at all that it was officiated by Azathoth, Lovecraft's Blind Idiot God. The Daemon Sultan who symbolizes the primordial chaos brought it to this game in order to drive our own ancient deity insane:

--No other explanation makes sense. You can argue simple incompetence all you want, but there's more to this than mere bad officiating. These were science fiction/horror tropes. So blatant that they had to be deliberate. From the creepy twins who moved together through the Overlook Hotel inviting the Patriots to come play with them:

To the whistle that went back through time to undo a Dolphins turnover:

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The phantom Pass Interference:

The incredible disappearing Ineligible Man:

And worst of all, the poltergeist that nearly killed DeVante Parker, while an innocent man was convicted of a crime he didn't commit:

Even in the best of circumstances, Hard Robbie Pro Shark Rock Joe Stadium or whatever they're calling it now is The Last House on the Left for New England, with an even creepier class of hillbillies. But factor in the blatant disregard for the basic rules of football and civilized society from this officiating crew, and it had to be a deliberate attempt to drive a sane man mad with rage. And it succeeded. Is it mere coincidence that the place is ruled over by an angry, vengeful god who doesn't want his wins record surpassed? I think not. 

--The hit on Parker is truly the most egregious non-call I can recall. Though at the moment, my memory is a little impaired by a rage headache. It was just a week ago that 180 pounds of Jack Jones, who isn't tall enough to reach Josh Allen's shoulder pads, got flagged for a helmet hit while drilling him right in the numbers. But Parker is on the business end of a Helmet-to-Helmet/Defenseless Receiver daily double, his head snapping back like he got hit by the Magic Loogie with every eye in the stadium focused on it, and not a single flag hits the ground:

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And when it was announced Parker was leaving the game due to a head injury, was there anyone in the building asking themselves, "Gee, I wonder what happened?" We're a year removed from him lining up for a play when his brains were so scrambled that he could barely keep his feet under him and Kendrick Bourne had to alert the officials to his condition so they'd stop the play. At this point you couldn't hold against Parker if he decided the NFL doesn't have his best interests at heart and called it a career. While he's still capable of calling anything anything. 

--But again, while the officiating was a contributing factor, the reason the Patriots couldn't build off the win over Buffalo was the talent deficit. We can contribute some of that to injuries. In the best of times, they've always been able to let Jonathan Jones off the leash to neutralize Tyreek Hill so they can double whoever his opposite number is, Sammy Watkins in Kansas City or Jaylen Waddle now. But Jones is playing through a knee injury, and the plan seemed to be to go with a lot more zone than they normally would. And both Hill and Waddle, continually found the weak spots and exploited them. 

--Hill's touchdown was set up by the Dolphins showing an underneath wide receiver screen look behind him. JC Jackson said after the game that the Pats were in Quarters coverage, meaning four zones across, exactly the kind of deep shell meant to take away a Go route like the one Hill was running. But Marte Mapu in the middle zone bit on the screen, took a step up, froze for a Planck time, which was plenty enough for Hill and Tua Tagovailoa who delivered a throw sharper than the part in Mike McDaniel's hair. The inside safety is suppose to stay "deeper than the deepest" in that situation, but one misstep was all it took. Hesitation kills:

--Whereas Waddle's score was just a total breakdown in communication. Jack Jones went in motion with Hill, while Jonathan Jones was lined up as the boundary corner to the motion side. Both Joneses took the same guy, leaving Waddle to appear like the Babadook all alone in the middle of their secondary. That's the kind of thing that happens to a defense that's being stressed, unable to win one-on-one matchups, and constantly having to change coverages in an attempt to gain an advantage by scheme, rather than talent. Sooner or later you'll find guys reading off different pages of the playbook and giving up big chunk plays.

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--But even pointing that out, while true, is sort of letting this defense off the hook. Their problems went well beyond a couple of broken plays. Every time the offense finished a drive with points, Miami came right back with a touchdown on the next possession. They continually got themselves in good position, putting Miami into 3rd & longs with solid run defense and negative plays, only to undo all that good work with Charmin-soft coverage and shoddy tackling. And the Dolphins played those down & long distances like they were in four down territory at all times. Because they were. Three times they picked up enough yards on 3rd to make it managable, and all three times they converted on 4th. And when you see how every short yardage/goal line situation is an adventure for the Pats offense (last week's 2-point try from about six inches being a prime example), you appreciate how much of a luxury it must be to just know you're going to go for it on 4th whenever you need to. And the confidence to know you'll make it. I seem to remember once feeling that way. It must be nice. 

--I don't want to ignore the defensive positives, because there were some. If you told me they'd lose Ju'Whaun Bentley for half the game and still manage to hold the top rushing offense in the league to 3.0 yards per carry and 2-for-4 in the red zone, I'd consider that a win. Actually I'd ask why if you can see the future, you're wasting my time with trivial football stats instead of telling me where to invest my IRAs or when AI will become sentient and destroy us all. But still, I'd take it. Beginning with yet another solid game from the safeties. Jabrill Peppers had another of the kinds of performances that, if he keeps them up, will eventually make people stop calling him "Julius." On Miami's first drive he came inside of Waddle to drop Raheem Mostert for a loss that led to a punt. Later Kyle Dugger came free off the edge on a safety blitz for a sack. And made the defensive play of the game, from Buzz coverage in which he came up to jump the route as Jalen Mills dropped back:

--Additionally, I'll give credit to Keion White, who took his most snaps of the season. After moving around the line in preseason, he's been used exclusively at defensive end and held up well against both Miami tackles. And the one play that stood out the most was him sniffing out a Jet sweep, shedding Kendall Lamm and dropping Salvon Ahmed for an 8-yard loss. That's the kind of play that will often times kill a drive. The fact this one was the second snap of a 14-play, 75-yard drive that ate 7:30 off the clock and ended in a touchdown shouldn't take away from the fact the rookie is playing well.

--I wish we could say the same of Mac Jones. If anything, I'd say Vic Fangio is demonstrating a genius for taking his No. 1 option on any given play away from him and making him go through his progressions. Unlike earlier in the season, he's getting time to throw for the most part. But you see him forced to search around for the right target like a tourist trying to read a NYC subway map. It's like the look he was expecting pre-snap isn't the one he's getting post-snap. Add that to the fact his receivers and tight ends aren't winning too many battles on their own, and he's forced to settle for checkdowns and insufficiently short gains with no YAC. 

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--And of course one of the few times he did take a shot deep, it was an ill-advised throw. It might have looked open as he decided to release the throw, but Jalen Ramsey read it from the jump and was lurking like the monster under his bed the entire time:

Just to keep beating the Halloween theme to death, it feels like every time Jones steps into a throw in the red zone, you automatically get a pending sense of doom. Like it should come with Bach's Fugue in D-Minor:

--Which is not exactly fair. He turned Dugger's interception into seven points when he stood up in the face of a nice blitz pickup by his line to hit Kendrick Bourne breaking open on a Dig route against Justin Bethel:

But again, like everyone else, Jones has to be near perfect to beat a team like the Dolphins. And pretty much perfect to beat them in Miami. His margin for error is non-existent. To the point that even winning the turnover battle, which they did, isn't enough. Every drive has to pay off in some way, either with points or by at least eating up yards and clock. So even a drive like the one after Miami's first touchdown, where they lost 11 yards and punted to midfield, ends up fatal, as it lead to their second touchdown. That's no way for a team to succeed. 

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--The good news is, Juju Smith-Schuster came off the bench to score a touchdown. The bad news is, Juju Smith-Schuster came off the bench only after Parker and Bourne got hurt. This guy once had a 1,400 yard season and last year topped 900 yards for the Super Bowl champions. Now he's lucky to dress on Sundays ahead of Tyquan Thornton. What is it about this scheme that it can magically turn accomplished NFL receivers into useless spare parts in an instant? It's at moments like this that I wonder if it's really worth holding onto if this is what it does to good athletes.

--This Week's Applicable Movie Quote: "What's wrong, what's wrong? I'll tell you what's wrong. Everything's wrong. Take a look around you. Nothing's right. …  I'll tell you what that smell is. It's me. I smell, and you know why? I've been wearing this suit for three days. I smell like ass. Or foot. Or some kind of foot that's been lodged up deep, deep, deep, inside an ass." - Matthew Perry, The Whole Ten Yards. (RIP)

--So with half the season in the books, the Patriots are the only 2-win team in the AFC. Let that sink in. I'm going to try not to let this shake my faith in the winning power of pants color:

So while they are, by any objective measure a terrible team, at least they look good getting to 2-6. I'd ordinarily say I can't wait for Washington. But I think at this point the only relief we can realistically count on is the bye week.