BREAKING: THERE IS A BULL RUNNING LOOSE IN NEWARK ON THE NJ TRANSIT TRAIN TRACKS

Clem12/14/2023 5:10 PM

There are a lot of wild reasons to get delayed on a train in the absolute shitshow of a human experiment known as the Tri-State Area. But I think a bull running wild on the train tracks is among the most absurd. I'm not saying an animal getting loose on the tracks is Tier 1 Absurd considering there are a shitload of homeless people, mole people, and just flat out crazy people that could outdo a bull escaping from whatever slaughter house it was in and stretching its legs. But still, if someone told me they were running late for a meeting because a bull was running loose on the tracks, I'd have to at least think that they were fucking with me.

Now based on everything I know about bulls, which is admittedly solely through cartoons, anybody wearing red is at risk of being injured if not killed since bulls will blindly try to steamroll anything wearing red. Also based on everything I know about NJ Transit, they are THE ABSOLUTE WORST and INCOMPETENT, which means they will completely fuck up this situation.

For more, we send it to Barstool's NJ Transit beat reporter Frank The Tank, who is nestled safely in a rat-infested Manhattan office with limited Wi-Fi.

Thanks for the update Frank! Now is when I would throw it to Mintzy for traffic and weather together on the 8s, but he has been banned from any live broadcasts for the time being. Anyway, we will have more on this story as it unfolds from Newark.

UPDATE: