A Guide On How To Survive Your Once Proud Team Becoming A National Embarrassment And A Viral Sensation Ruining Your Life

We know what happened last night. I've declared what needs to be done. It's time to move on from John Calipari. Get rid of him, convince him to take the Duquesne job, convince him to take the role in the athletic department where he can still get $1 million a year. But I've slept on it and woke up to the horror that is Jack Gohlke. I woke up to the horror realizing a man I blogged about, a man I tweeted about has ruined my life. 

This is a blog about watching your once proud team become a national embarrassment. Your once proud team becoming the joke of someone who watches basketball once a year and acts like they know who the Toppin brothers are. Your once proud team becoming the joke of someone who is celebrating the fact their team isn't even in the NCAA Tournament so they can make fun of other people. 

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As someone who was ruined by St. Peter's and had my soul crushed in by Jack fucking Gohlke, allow me to explain. 

Step 1 - Denial 

You keep thinking no way it happens to you. I mean he can't KEEP making threes firing from wherever he wants. Kentucky is known for defense, right? Surely, they had to work on it. I mean it's not like Jack Gohlke was known as the guy who only attempted 9 2-pint attempts on the year. Surely, that was relayed by a Hall of Fame coach. Simply won't happen. 

Step 2 - False hope

This is the bigger kick in the dick than anything else. We're Kentucky, we will go on one of those 10-0 runs where Reeves and Sheppard hit a couple threes and then we have a dunk. Game over. Simple. Let's move on and get ready for whatever's next. Every time Kentucky got the lead, they shit the bed. Almost like the defense was ass all year and Calipari shrunk in the biggest moment. Don't ever believe in false hope. I don't care if it's sports or life, you will get kicked in the nuts. 

Step 3 - The juju change

I'm lucky enough to live in the same neighborhood as one of my college roommates. The moment Gohlke banked in that three I got a text 'on the way over, need a change for juju.' This is key. This is the moment you realize you need to take matters into your own hands because your shitbag coach forgot that's all Gohlke does and keeps having guys who refuse to go over screens. 

Step 4 - Sadness, questioning the meaning of life

This is where I'm currently at. I spend all year looking forward to this month. I could be back in an office setting, wearing a sick polo shirt and khakis just saying 'get me to March.' Instead I'm blessed with this job of talking about the team I live and die for becoming the laughingstock of the country. Sick. Everything I've known about Kentucky basketball is gone. The aura is gone. The fear of playing them is gone. The winning is gone. See the false hope: sure wins over UNC, Auburn, Alabama and Tennessee were nice. They were false hope, leading me to this moment. 

Step 5 - Anger

Correction, this is where I'm at. I want Mitch Barnhart fired on the spot today. I want John Calipari fired on the spot today. I've slept on it and my dumb brain is ready to go drive to Sean Miller's house and convince him to go become the next head coach at Kentucky. At least he knows how to coach defense and in-game shit. I paced around my house barely sleeping, mostly talking to my dog at 1:30 in the morning about how this can't happen. I can't even say Jack Gohlke's name without puking. I can't say the name John Calipari without letting out a wet fart. I've dedicated my 37 years on earth to basketball. What's the point? It's meaningless when all I do is get my heart ripped out year after year by St. Peter's and Oakland. 

Step 6 - Question the meaning of life

You just saw what I said. What's the point of caring about basketball? Besides it being the one thing I love the most. Besides being the one thing I can watch every single hour of every single day of my life. There's no point. It's dumb. I probably care too much and it's all dumb. 

Step 7 - Refuse to acknowledge anything

I refuse to acknowledge there's hope. I feel like I'm in a meeting right now saying this. I refuse to get my hopes up even if I'm a fan a heart and this is all I want to do. I won't get excited until I see March wins. I won't get excited until I see this program take serious steps. No more Draft talk. No more recruiting talk. Fucking win you assholes. 

There you have it. A guide from the one person here who has seen his once proud program becoming a joke. A program that can't fucking win in March. A program that needs to fire its coach who is in the Hall of Fame because he's too fucking dumb to get his guys in the right spot against Oakland.