Tossed Salad and Scrambled Tragedy
Morning.
Every now and again, I like to highlight a person that my readers kind of know either from history or from pop culture, and then give some details on that person that the reader has either forgotten or never knew in the first place. I have written similar pieces on LBJ (exhibitionist), Woody Allen (fucking creep), Ben Franklin (nudist), Liam Neeson (cocksman), Rick James (super freak), and Boy George (super freaky cocksman who now kinda looks like me?)
I’d like to think these historical pieces are equal parts informative and entertaining. Hopefully, you laugh while you learn.
So with SHARK WEEK rapidly approaching, I can’t help but think back to my absolute fascination with the life of Kelsey Grammer.
What does Kelsey have to do with SHARK WEEK you ask?… Well read on, you lazy fuck.
I have no clue about this younger generation, but I would argue that probably 8 or 9 out of 10 middle-aged Americans know who Kelsey Grammer is… I just can’t commit to saying 10 out of 10 because of those fucking unpredictable Amish, amiright? I would also argue that out of those 8 or 9 Americans, only 1 or 2 of them know that his dad was murdered when Kelsey was only 13 years old, his sister was brutally assaulted and then also murdered when Kelsey was 20, and then in 1980 Grammer’s twin brothers were both killed while scuba diving off of St Thomas… One of the brother’s body was never found, and is presumed to have been eaten by sharks.
SHARK WEEK!
Lemme repeat that… Kelsey Grammer’s dad was murdered, his sister was even more brutally murdered, and one of his twin brothers was eaten by a fucking shark.
Now, everyone who knows me knows that I am an ‘old weirdo’ who doesn’t mind getting inappropriate for the sake of a little comedy. Then, maybe 8 out of 10 of those who know me know that I have gout and I ride a Vespa. Wanna know why?… Because those are probably the most interesting facets about my miserable existence.
Kelsey Grammer has been in the public eye for DECADES… Dare I say, the man is a public institution? Yes, I dare. And people don’t have the first clue what this asshole has been through.
I don’t have to read you his IMDB, but Cheers was arguably the best show on TV for 9 years, and then Frasier was a consistent hit for another 11. How were these morbid tidbits not more on the forefront of every People Magazine article or Inside Edition episode?
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I mean, you know what is the only thing more interesting than having a family member murdered? Having 2 family members murdered? And you know the only thing more interesting than that? Fucking shark attacks. And Kelsey has an intimate connection to all 3… He has essentially hit for the cycle, but nobody cares. Shit, he hosted SNL at one point, and the writers there pitched a skit where he was a Bond villain who was eaten by a shark. What are the fucking chances of that?
SHARK WEEK on TBS!… With your host, Kelsey Grammar!
One last thing… You know what the last name of the guy who murdered Kelsey’s father was?
Niles.
You explain to me how someone can anchor a sitcom like Frasier, and have the second most popular character be named Niles fucking Crane? A character name that Frasier had to repeat thousands of times over the course of 11 years.
It’s like losing your child on 9/11, and then naming your new puppy “Osama”.
So let’s sum up.
Kelsey Grammer has had his fair share of personal tragedy in his life. On top of this, there are other random facts that make him more interesting than, say, Justin Bieber, even without all of Grammer’s dead kin…
He started smoking a pipe when he was 12, which I kind of admire for some reason.
He won a scholarship to, but was soon expelled from, Juilliard.
He was homeless for a brief time… Spending his nights in rat cum infested Central Park.
Has had 7 children and 4 different wives.
The third wife, Camille Donatacci, was a sufficiently hot 1990’s Playboy playmate who had a bit part in Stern’s Private Parts…
… before having a fair amount of plastic surgery and becoming a MILF-y reality TV star (who apparently can still dance).
He once brought his 3 year old daughter to a Playboy Mansion party, because he couldn’t find a babysitter.
One of his other wives held a gun to his head during an argument (presumably for bring their infant to meet Hef).
He’s had a heart attack, a couple of DUI’s, a stint in Betty Ford, a 30 day stint in prison for cocaine possession, and he’s Sideshow Bob.
As far as I’m concerned, Kelsey Grammar is the most interesting man alive… That Dos Equis Guy can suck Frasier’s dick.
Take a report.
-Large