Rob Gronkowski's Playful Sexual Rhetoric Is Actually Harmful, Disgusting, And Homophobic
It’s easy to laugh off the paleolithic comments of the popular New England Patriots’ tight end, Rob Gronkowski. “Gronk,” as his cavemen fans call him, is known as much for his spectacularly brutish on-field play as he is for his equally brutish off-field remarks. In a recent interview, Gronk quipped, “I’m not even a wide receiver. I got a tight end and a tight booty.” Ignoring the thuggish verb choice of “I got” as opposed to “I have,” let’s break down what he means. This “joke” is meant as a thinly-veiled double-entendre about his position. He plays tight end, but he wants the world to know that his anus is not wide enough to receive penetration from a partner. Instead, he has a tight end and a tight booty, implying that his rectum is too narrow for him to be bottomed. Of course, given that Gronk is 6’6”, 265 pounds, his anus is almost certainly large enough for penetration. He probably wouldn’t even feel it, given the density of his porridge brain.
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These comments are harmful to both the gay community and to people who enjoy anal sex but struggle with the complexities of parts that don’t fit. Gronkowski trivializes the vulnerability of couples that long to spice things up. The act itself is already taboo; do we really need this overgrown sea urchin making it worse? It takes an enormous amount of courage and trust for someone to broach the idea of anal. Our sports heroes should be educating people about it, not condemning it through crude humor.
Gronk is known for spiking the ball after scoring touchdowns. It’s likely that he chose this celebration as a nod to his habit of “spiking” bowls of punch at holiday parties with incapacitating drugs. Hey Santa, looks like somebody deserves coal in his stocking this year.
Gronk is consistently amused by the number 69. In frat boy parlance, this number refers to the act of mutual oral sex. In fairness, the term is quite brilliant. The numbers 6 and 9 line up next to each other as though flipped over an axis, just as two sexual partners might perform a simultaneous blowjob/cunnilingus. I was not taught this until last year; I had assumed the number was chosen at random, and it made little sense to me. Once my mother explained it, I gained a newfound respect for both the act and the practicality of its nomenclature. In terms of sex, the move is one of the few moments were true equality is achieved in the bedroom. I insist upon performing the 69 with every woman I bed, out of respect.
Here is a YouTube compilation of “Gronk Funny Moments.” Whoever posted the video challenges you by saying “try not to laugh.” Well, sir or madame, I did not laugh once. And I think it’s high time we stop laughing at Gronkowski’s antics and start realizing just how deadly his words can be.