Chaining An ATM To Your Truck Then Dragging It Through The Streets, Knocking Down Trees, And Causing Sparks To Fly Is Certainly One Way To Steal Money

I usually hate watching a group of crooks steal from innocent people. If you can put that type of time and energy into a heist, why can’t you put some effort into living like a scumbag while ruining other peoples’ lives.

But there is no way you can get upset at this group of rejects for thinking they were getting away with the perfect crime while actually waking up every single person in a 5 mile radius. That was the most relatable felony* I have ever seen. There’s no fancy Danny Ocean tricks or misdirection. Just good old fashioned human ingenuity using tools that you can buy at Lowes, the new home of Craftsman! If us idiots at Barstool ever robbed an ATM, that’s exactly how we would have done it. Brett would have gotten us a pickup truck instead of a trailer, Smitty and Nate would be arguing with each other like the brothers from Ocean’s Eleven as they chained up the ATM, and Dave would be complaining about the idiotic crew he hired as the path of destruction with downed trees and shattered blacktop led police directly back to our headquarters. So if I were to were to clown this band of rejects for the way they attempted to cash in on a big payday without truly working, I would be pretty much clowning my own band of rejects for attempting to cash in on a big payday without truly working (I can say that because I am a fellow reject).

*I Googled “Is stealing an ATM a felony?” and never got a concrete answer, but I’m pretty sure it is. Anyway, I now have that little breadcrumb in my search history, which hopefully doesn’t send off any alarms to the FBI*