You Might Be Wondering Why My Shirt Is Off And There's Needles In My Face (Acupuncture)
Today was the first time that I’ve ever had acupuncture. It was an absolute delight. While I sit here and type this to you, I am relaxed as the day is long and I’m not even as bloody as a gutted pig which I full expected.
My friend is an acupuncturist so she came over to give me a little treatment for anxiety and basically a Chinese wellness medical exam. I, like I presume most of you, am not well versed in the ways of Chinese medicine.
“But Chaps, my handsome slut, I thought you were well-versed in most medicines around the globe. In fact, I look to you as sort of a bearded medicine man like you’d see on the movies.”
“Which movies?”
“You know. The one with the medicine man. Can’t think of it right now. My b.”
God damn it. Be more specific.
Anyway. Common mistake. I don’t know much about Chinese medicine but I am willing to learn.
When I was going through the exam, my friend touched a few points on my wrist. She said that I had the inner aura of a woman which I found to be surprising considering the girth of my privates. She diagnosed me with something I was not expecting.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce that I am menopausal. The diagnosis makes perfect sense. You see, I haven’t had a period in months, years, and maybe ever. I have hot flashes and suffer through unusually long spells of diarrhea (11 years running) but I never put two and two together. The diagnosis hurts but it certainly is accurate.
During the exam, she asked me to point to my pelvic bone. I immediately pointed to my upper hip because I was confused about what part of the body is the pelvic bone.
“No. That’s your hip. Your pelvic bone. Where’s that?”
I then pointed to my penis because I was confused. In my defense, I always point to my penis when I’m confused. She caught on to my confusion and we moved on to my feet. I know where those are. Size 11.5s.
While the needles were in me, I felt like I was as relaxed as my denim fits (relaxed fit). The needles got to stay in my body for about 15 minutes. While they were in there, I was off the grid. No phone. No twitter. No internet. It was a delight. I had no contact with the outside world except for my voice-activated Google Home device that I used to play a relaxing playlist. Picking out what music to relax to was very stressful during my time of complete relaxation. I ultimately landed on piano playlist broadway. It’s a little number that takes classic Broadway tunes and makes them instrumental. For the most part, it’s relaxing but I’ll admit that I wanted to sing my heart out when a song from Rent comes on. That shit is fire. Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes and whathaveyou.
Speaking of fire, we also did a little cupping!
I felt lovely with these little cups on back. It was sucking my blood but in the best way. It gave me some back hickies, but as you know, I love a good hickey!
All in all, it was a relaxing day. The only issue is that I didnt have time to look for something to blog about so I have no blog for you at this time. I will start working again soon and have a blog for you shortly. Enjoy your lunch break, everybody. I’ll be working through mine.