Instagram's New Update Is The Worst Thing To Ever Happen To You In Your Life

I’m not one of those people who gets up in arms every time there’s an app update because it’s always futile. I don’t even mean it’s futile in the sense that your anger won’t change anything, I just mean that your brain will forget the “old” way the app looked or operated by lunch. Remember the great uproar when Twitter changed stars to hearts? For an afternoon I thought we were going to burn down the internet then no one mentioned it again.

But this one is different. This one is legitimately dangerous. Literally the very first picture that popped up after I was alerted to the new update was liked by me and guess what? I had no intention of liking that picture. In fact, I didn’t care for that picture whatsoever, but now that person is getting a push noti that I liked their picture because Instagram did some stupid goddamn update. I’m not a like slut, I choose my likes very carefully, and that wasn’t one of them.

If that happened to me while I was in control of all my motor functions at 10 AM on a Thursday then just think how many pictures you’re going to be accidentally liking after a few adult beverages. You think you tapped once to keep scrolling but it didn’t move so you hit it again with the frustrated COME ON I DEMAND INSTANT SATISFACTION double tap and bam, your ex thinks you’re in love with her again. Maybe that girl you’ve been following quietly accidentally gets a like, notices you, checks your profile, and blocks your ugly ass all because a page didn’t load quick enough. Or how bout just giving a model a like? Wouldn’t that be the worst thing ever, as your three year plan of not giving her attention so she likes you would be ruined (I know it’s crazy but part of me thinks that Emily Ratjakowski lays her head down at night and is like “who’s this feitelberg kid who follows me and why hasn’t he ever liked a single picture? I need to meet this mysterious man and ask him what the fuck his deal is”)

Accidental likes happen, we’ve all done them and all considered suicide a very real option in the moments that followed, and I think Instagram making the accidental like so much more of a possibility is a crime that should land them in front of a Senate committee. It’s insanity and I’m shocked and appalled that a social media app would do such a despicable thing.

PS – It is hilarious/scary/sad that the New York Times had this huge expose about how Facebook is continuing to share all our private messages with third party apps but this is the news that made me go WHOA HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE