I Am On The Short-List To Become The Washington XFL Team President
Well I’m on a list, and I’m short so technically it’s true. Plus it sounds cool to say shortlist so hopefully they’ll just assume I’m a finalist if I say that.
The rumors are true: I have submitted my resume to become the President of the Washington XFL Team and folks they’d have to be a idiot to not give me consideration. Thats right, the XFL is having open tryouts for the front office positions and I’m like the executive version of Marky Mark when he made the Eagles and delivered them a Superbowl title just 30 years later. Here is the job decsription, which I think I’m more than qualified for:
Its been my lifelong dream since 2018 to run a XFL team in Washington DC and I am humbly submitted myself for the position. My salary requirements are reasonable and negotiable but it’s tacky to include that in a opening paragraph, but you get what you pay for so in order to provide maximum value for YOU it would need to be worth my while. A little about me: I do a podcast- which is like a radio show that people listen to, and I dont wear pants without elastic waists. I also play guitar and have redzone. So without further ado instead of giving you a boring resume like Im sure you’ve gotten from alot of nerds in suits who dont know a damn thing about what football fans want, here is my plan of action.
Number one- if you can control the narrative of your team youve allready won. In order to do this we will need to really go all out and treat the local press like the kings and queens they are. The media lounge would be second to none with a animitronic Bruce Springsteen concert on one wing and a coca cola freestyle machine consising of 400 different variations of diet coke. We will need to cater to the DC media in ways that have not been considered in order for them to give our team and my tenure as President favorable coverage. We would have “1st amendment zones” where journlists can take a leisurely nap, every game will end on time so that we dont run into deadline issues, and at halftime all of our fans will turn to the press box to applaud like they do at Iowa with the childrens hospital.
Football-wise I’m fairly confident in my ability to place a series of fake road signs around the beltway designed to trick Jim Tomsula into driving into our team facilty every day to coach our defensive line.
Lets take a quick look at our SWOT (Strenghts, Weaknesses, OpportuniTies). STRENGTH: What does this team have going for it that the Redskins do not? We dont have Dan Snyder. In fact, I would ban Dan Snyder from all games and invite both his friends so he feels left out.
We are going to name the team “The Washington Dan Snyder Sucks’s” and our logo will be a characture of Dan Snyder drawn by the worlds best artist at drawing short assholes. But it will be repsectful and honor him and all his traditions. The name “Dan Snyder Sucks” is a homage to our past, and a recent poll of Dan Snyders found that 9 out of 10 didnt find it offensive at all. The Washington Dan Snyder Sucks team, our fans and community have always believed our name represents honor, respect and pride. Either that or just call ourselves the Bullets since we have name recogniton.
We will also actively pursue all the Redskins good players including Ryan Kerrigan, Trent Williams, and thats pretty much it. We will offer to pay these players in crypto or CBD futures which is basicaly infinity dollars but dont cost that much right now. We’re selling wealth verse richness. Easy sell for the type of forward-looking player we want.
Ok obvously we need to talk about what we would do diffrently because this team is about the city not about sticking it hard to Dan Snyder, which is just a bonus.
While I realize the leagues valid concerns aganst signing any players with criminal records I would suggest humbly that we could put a futures contract on OJ Simpson to play running back on plays where our offensive line could just let the opponet through to knock the shit out of him as a treat for the fans to hopefully see him get his ribs broken repeatedly. This is neogitable since maybe that business plan is quite similar to the current Redskins offense.
My next idea is to create a unique homefield advantage enviroment by having the metal band from Mad Max playing in each endzone during the games. Also a pupil dilation test will be given to ensure that fans with a BAC of .07-.11 or “the golden zone” will be given premere seating and a vuboozeala- our franchises proud combnation of a vuvuzela and a beer bong.
There will also be a dog track around the outside of the field running 3 races a quarter in the 1st and the 2nd, then switching over to the ponys for the second half, allowing fans the opportunty to make (in realty they will likeley lose, so thats more dollars for us, business-wise) a return on their investment of season tickets. If a field goal hits the uprights we will have a big doink bell and everyone gets a free taco bell taco, people love tacos.
Another good idea is to have a “kids klub” thats just a brainwashing school inside the stadium so that way the entire arena is a tax write-off. We could educate the kids on why all of our corporate sponsors products are so great and how they should ask mommy and daddy to buy them stuff after the game when there still buzzed. That way companys that pay us sponsorships will have more money to pay us later. At the very minimum we could have local small busnesses like Lockheed Martin or Booz Allen name the classrooms.
Also lets threaten to move the team to Oakland right off the bat before we even play a game that way we can make more money. I dont want to use the word extortion for legal reasons but i’m winking as I type this.
I recognize all these changes may sound less then sane, but this is the type of out of the box thinking that we will need to drain the swamp of DC footballs mysterous 20 year curse. Thank you for your time.
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PFT Commenter, President, Washington XFL Franchise